The Menacing Phantom (archived)

RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, it's... SONIC WARS EPISODE ONE: THE MENACING PHANTOM By Murr-Quan Lord #2 (Insert cool opening narrative - in which it says that the evil Robotnik is blockading Knothole, ignoring all chronological continuity - and music later. For now, let's just get on with things!) *Please note: Jerome is cast as Obi-Wan because I thought it made sense seeing as how he and Sir Charles got along well in the book this spoof is partially based on. And, lest anyone get any false ideas, he is several years older than I. :-) Personally I'm worrying that he's featured a little too much... --- (A Learjet flies over the Great Forest, approaching the Egg Carrier. It would be very difficult for the contrast in sizes to be greater. A couple of avian Mobians sit in the cockpit...) Co-pilot: (looking out of the window) What a pleasant little vehicle. What do you suppose those huge face-logos on the side mean? Pilot: Who cares. (picks up the microphone) Breaker, breaker, this is X-Two-One "Flyboy", requesting clearance from tower... Speakers: Huh? Pilot: Oh, just let us land already! (Cue a nifty CGI sequence of the Learjet landing on the carrier's runway. Well, actually we just mixed footage from Sonic Adventure and Flight Simulator 2000, but the effect's still pretty cool don't you think? Two hooded figures - one comically shorter than the other - step out of the aircraft and are promptly greeted by a silvery, humanoid robot.) Robot: Hi, I'm C-3P0's evil twin! Come this way, please. (The two guys wearing the hoods exchange what are probably confused looks, and then follow the robot to a conference room deep within the Egg Carrier.) Robot: Make yourselves at home! I'm going to run off and look inconspicuous. (It does so, and shortly thereafter the figures remove their hoods to reveal Sir Charles and Jerome Stevenson - a fairly young, adult human. At this, some guy in the audience stands up and starts yelling.) Audience Bob: Hey! (points at Jerome) What's he doing here? Jerome: The other Jedi actor was home with a nasty cold, so they had one of us extras play him. Audience Bob: A human playing a Mobian!? (the other members of the audience shush him, and he sits back down.) Sir Charles: (trying to remember his lines) Um... always be mindful of your feelings, my young Padawan. Jerome: (looking very confused) What's a Padawan? Sir Charles: I don't know. It's in the script. Sounds like a river in North America, or something. Jerome: I'm a river in North America? Sir Charles: Who cares? Just... uh... be mindful of your feelings. Or something like that. Jerome: Okay. I'm feeling kinda hungry right now, come to think of it. Sir Charles: You're not supposed to take it that literally! (Jerome shrugs, and starts playing with his handheld computer.) Jerome: (still looking at the screen) How long are we supposed to be on this ridiculous ship, anyway? Sir Charles: This Robotnik fellow is a complete idiot. The negotiations will be short. (Cut to the cockpit of the Egg Carrier. Robotnik is sitting in that massive steam-powered railchair of his, and C-3P0's twin is standing next to him. A transmission comes in on the holoprojector...) Hologram-of-a-hooded-figure-that-everyone-can-tell-is-actually-Shadow: It's about time that Knothole was leveled. Begin landing your troops. Robotnik: (standing up and yelling at the hologram) Who are YOU to tell ME what to do!? Shadow: I'm the mysterious evil bad guy who never lets anyone see his face. Robotnik: Oh, okay. (to C-3P0's twin) Deploy the SWATbots! Robot: (saluting) Ja wohl, mein Kommandant! (The robot goes over to a side panel and presses a few buttons.) Robotnik: (to Shadow) And, you might want to know... the King sent a coupla Jedis here for some reason. Shadow: *groan* Just what we need, another complication. Whatever you do, just make sure that they're delivered to me here in Mobotropolis. Alive. (The hologram fades out.) Robot: We gonna do that? Robotnik: Nah. Let's kill 'em! And nuke that airplane, too. (Another CGI sequence! The Egg Carrier tips a little ways like in that Sky Deck level, and the Learjet rolls right off the edge. Ouch! Back in the conference room, Jerome and Sir Charles are leaning awkwardly against the wall, seeing as how the floor is tilted at a 30-degree angle.) Sir Charles: I have a bad feeling about this... Jerome: It's called "nausea". Sir Charles: No, I mean... there's just something WRONG about this. Jerome: Wow. You figured this out through some kind of Jedi sixth-sense? Sir Charles: That, and seeing our airplane fall off of the runway. (points out the window) (The Egg Carrier then tilts to a more level position.) Jerome: (holding his hand up) Wait a minute... a bunch of poison gas is about to be vented into this room. (On cue, billowing white vapor pours out of the air ducts.) Sir Charles: We've got to get out of here! Jerome: Well, you'd better watch out 'cause there's going to be a whole mess of battle droids out in the hallway. Sir Charles: (looking at him in astonishment) How do you know all this? Jerome: I saw the movie. (Sir Charles shrugs, and then tries to get the door open. It's locked, so he uses a really high-tech Jedi gadget called a "Credit Card" to get it open. Sure enough, there are a half-dozen SWATbots in the hallway.) SWATbot: (in their trademark scratchy metallic voice) Surrender, hedgehog! (Sir Charles draws a lightsaber and proceeds to dissect the special effects, I mean robots, with a Star Wars soundtrack playing all the way. Jerome, meanwhile, stands back at the door and metaphorically fiddles with his computer. Someone in the audience stands up again...) Audience Bob: Hey! Jerome: (not looking up) Hmm? Sir Charles' lightsaber: ZZZWHRRR Audience Bob: Aren't you supposed to help? Robots: (sounds of metal getting torn apart by coherent photons) Jerome: (shakes head) Uh-uh. Audience Bob: Then what ARE you going to do? Sir Charles' lightsaber: WHRRRRHMM Jerome: Stand back here and play Asteroids on my Palm Pilot. Audience Bob: What!? SWATbot: Somebody call for reinforcements! Jerome: (to the guy in the audience) I don't have the foggiest idea how to use a lightsaber! Audience Bob: But you're a self-insert! You're supposed to have all sorts of special abilities! (Reinforcements are summoned, and more robots pour in, only to be promptly shredded.) Sir Charles' lightsaber: FWOOOSH Jerome: Not me. I think my greatest ability is supposed to be an Associate's degree in Computer Science. Robots: (sound of metal smashing against the wall) Audience Bob: But can't you do /something/? Jerome: Oh, alright. (raises hands in the air) I SUMMON THE AMAZING POWERS OF SELF-INSERT-NESS!!! (All pause and stare at him.) Jerome: Darn, didn't work. (Jerome goes back to playing Asteroids, Sir Charles and the robots resume combat and everyone else in the audience makes Bob sit back down. Pretty soon the robots are in ten thousand individual pieces.) Jerome: Now what? Sir Charles: (sounding remarkably like his nephew) We find the control center, and nail that Eggman! Jerome: Isn't that through the Sky Deck? Sir Charles: Wrong game. ---- [We now return to Sonic Wars, already in progress. When we last saw them, Jerome and Sir Charles were making their way to the bridge...] (The two march around the ship for a few minutes. Thanks to Sir Charles' Jedi powers and a bunch of conveniently placed public-access information terminals that hover in midair for no apparent reason, they quickly locate the door to the bridge - in a hallway, unlike its Sonic Adventure counterpart. Unfortunately...) Sir Charles: It's locked! Jerome: Use the credit card again. Sir Charles: (examining the lock) Hmm... this one's gonna be a toughie. Here, take the lightsaber and cover me while I get this door open. Jerome: But I don't- (catches the fortunately deactivated lightsaber as it is tossed to him) Never mind... (A couple of minutes pass. Sir Charles goes through two credit cards and a library card, and was about to use Jerome's holofoil "USS Enterprise" before being provided with his driver's license instead.) Jerome: I don't like that picture anyway. My hair's a mess. (Meanwhile, on the bridge...) Robotnik: That Jedi's really getting annoying. Deploy the bicycle droid. Robot: Okie dokie! (presses a couple of buttons) (The droid is deployed, and quickly moves from its hangar to the Jedi's location. Unfortunately...) Bicycle droid: Whoops! (The robot crashes into the wall, sending mechanical debris flying everywhere. Both of the bicycle's tires roll off in the direction of Jerome and Sir Charles.) Jerome: (looking at the tires) I knew they'd write destroyer droids into this skit somewhere! (He throws the lightsaber down and runs away, seconds before the tires harmlessly bounce off of the wall next to the resident Jedi.) Sir Charles: JEROME!! Get back here! (The frustrated hedgehog grabs the lightsaber and runs off after his human companion. Unfortunately, Sir Charles does not have his nephew's supersonic speed, and humans can run much faster than the average Mobian. Fortunately, techies are not exactly known for their endurance, and he catches up to Jerome somewhere in the vicinity of the Egg Carrier's runway.) Sir Charles: What in the world do you think you're doing!? Jerome: (trying to catch his breath) Sorry... (pant pant) but I think (pant) that we have a bigger problem (pant) at this point. Sir Charles: Huh? Jerome: (points to a bunch of troop transports taking off of the runway) Sir Charles: Oh dear... (Meanwhile, on the bridge, Robotnik is speaking with a hologram of the fourteen-year-old ruler of Knothole, Princess Sally. Why she isn't referred to as Princess Acorn, that being her last name, we may never know.) Sally: (in Queen Amidala's incomprehensibly weird accent) Robotnik. What do you think you're doing with all those landing craft up there? Robotnik: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I just had all these cool robots laying around and decided to take them over here for a visit! (evil smile) Sally: Do I look like a moron? Robotnik: Oh, I'm so sorry, your transmission is breaking up. Please repeat. (aside, to the robot) Turn on the com jammer! Robot: Okie dokie! (We now cut to the interior of Sally's hut - just a wee bit less impressive than the Italian palace where those scenes in Episode One were filmed. Several other Mobians are gathered around Nicole's holoprojector.) Sally: (still in the weird accent) Nicole, this is getting us nowhere. Call Senator Shadow and see what he has to say about this. Nicole: (in her usual monotone - thank goodness) I'm sorry, Sally. I can't do that. Sally: And why not?? Nicole: All communications are being jammed. Rotor: Oh no. Communications are out? This can only mean one thing... (Everyone waits for an explanation.) Rotor: WE'RE IN A SPOOF OF EPISODE ONE!! Antoine: (in his really bad French accent) Oh non! Not zat! (Antoine hides under the bed, everyone else tries to pry him out, and the scene changes back to the Egg Carrier's runway, where Jerome and Sir Charles are hiding behind a couple of crates.) Sir Charles: (peeking out) This is just great. There's got to be at least a thousand SWATbots in those transports. We have to get down to Knothole and warn 'em! Jerome: Ooh! Ooh! I know! Let's sneak into one of those transports and hope that nobody notices us! Sir Charles: (giving him an incredulous look) Brilliant idea, Holmes. Jerome: (folds his arms) Well, that's how they did it on the movie. Besides... you got any better ideas? Sir Charles: Okay, then... (They walk out onto the runway, and miraculously make it into one of the landing craft. However, just after it takes off, one of the SWATbots questions them.) SWATbot: Hold it! What are you doing here? Jerome: Uh... (waves his hand in the air) This isn't the hedgehog you're looking for. SWATbot: Huh? Sir Charles: (activates his lightsaber) Jerome: Never mind... (And so, for the next twenty minutes or so Sir Charles occupies himself in wrecking every 'bot on the landing craft while Jerome plays Asteroids.) Soundtrack: ("Heroic" track from the Sonic the Hedgehog Saturday morning cartoon show) Audience Bob: Hey! Aren't they supposed to be playing Star Wars music? The Rest of the Audience: (shushes Bob) (Eventually the landing craft lands, which is pretty amazing when you consider that Sir Charles already diced the pilot droid up. The Jedi and the neurotic human step out and look around at the really tall trees.) Sir Charles: Wow. Jerome: So this is the Great Forest. Sir Charles: Cool place. Jerome: It's only a special effect. Sir Charles: (kicks Jerome) Jerome: (checking his Palm Pilot's travel guide) Let's see... The Great Forest. Population nine billion: All fuzzy little animals. Sir Charles: Scary thought. (Jerome gives Sir Charles a very odd look, and continues.) Jerome: Oh, wait a minute... it says that this place is also inhabited by a bunch of weird lizard-people called "Gungans". Sir Charles: Gungans? You mean like... (Sure enough, everybody's favorite accident-prone lizard steps out from behind a tree.) Gungan: Hello! Mesa am Jar Jar Binks! Sir Charles: Back away slowly, Jerome... no sudden moves... Jerome: (does so) Sir Charles: (doing so as well) And whatever you do, don't show any fear. Jar Jar: Ex-squeeze me? What are you peoples doing here? Jerome: (putting his hands in the air) I SURRENDER!! Sir Charles: (groans and shakes his head) Jar Jar: Yousa really strange people. (points behind them) And what is da mackineeks doin' here? Jerome: Huh? Sir Charles: Duck and cover!! (The camera pans over to show a couple of CGI hover units approaching them. Fortunately they decide to shoot at Sir Charles first, who deflects the plasma bolts back at them with his lightsaber. They explode, in a scene that took several MINUTES for our Silicon Graphics workstations to render.) Jar Jar: Woah! Yousa guys got bombad special effects! Sir Charles: (rolls eyes) Where do you live? Jerome: (to Sir Charles) What on Mobius has possessed you to ask such a question?? Sir Charles: Surely the Gungans aren't all as inept as he is. We can't just let them get robotized. Jar Jar: Um... mesa banished. Can't return to Gunga City. They'll do TERRIBLE things to me if mesa returning! Sir Charles: Oh, will they now. You hear that? Jar Jar: (lifts one ear-flap) Nope. Sir Charles: (muttering) Stupid silent hovercraft... (motions frantically to Jerome's computer outside of Jar Jar's field of vision) Now do you hear it? Jerome: (presses a few buttons on his Palm Pilot, which starts making machine-gun sound effects) Jar Jar: Yup. Sir Charles: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way. Leonard Nimoy (Special guest star!): One thousand twenty-three point four, to be precise. Jerome: When they find us, they will... uh... well, I don't know, but I'm sure that it'll be really unpleasant. Sir Charles: Do you want them to find your city? Jar Jar: Hmm... (places one hand to his chin as he goes as far deep in thought as he is capable) Sir Charles: (quickly) No! No, you do not. (Getting a sudden idea, the hedgehog waves his hand in the air.) Sir Charles: What you do want is to convey us to your city. With maximum expedience. Jar Jar: Huh? Jerome: Try smaller words. (to Jar Jar) Take us to your city. Right now! Jar Jar: Okie dae! (The Gungan leads them to a lake.) Sir Charles: THAT'S your city? Jar Jar: (shakes head) Nope. Gunga City bein' under de water. Watch this! (He does his hyperactive screaming frenzy dive into the lake.) Jerome: (staring at the water) I can't swim. Can you? Sir Charles: Nope. Jerome: Now what? Sir Charles: I suppose we move on to Knothole. Jerome: (to self) YES! We ditched the Gungan! *ahem* But where's Knothole? (Sir Charles points across the lake, where a series of huts are visible on the opposite shore.) Jerome: Well, isn't that just convenient? (smiles) (They start walking towards Knothole, arriving maybe ten or twenty minutes later. Cut to the village itself. The 1023.4 SWATbots have effectively run their opposition over, and a few of them are now escorting Sally, Antoine, and several vulpine members of the Royal Guard to... um...) SWATbot Commander: Take them to Camp Four to await robotization. (Right. Camp Four. Anyhow, the princess is none too happy about this turn of events.) Sally: You'll never get away with this. SWATbot: (Nothing. SWATbots are lousy conversationalists.) Antoine: *whimper* (The 'bots drag them to the outskirts of the village, underneath several overhanging tree branches. Jerome and Sir Charles crouch on top of one of these branches...) Sir Charles: (whispering) Okay, here's the plan. When they walk by we drop down from our hiding place and whack them senseless. Jerome: The SWATbots or the Mobians? (Sir Charles gives him a disgusted look, and then watches the 'bots approach.) Sir Charles: Okay, get ready... three... two... Jerome: Wait a second. I need to blow my nose. Sir Charles: JEROME!! (The SWATbots all look up.) Jerome: Darn it. (Sir Charles quickly leaps down and activates his lightsaber. Electronic debris flies everywhere as 'bots are ripped apart. Jerome calmly climbs down the tree to join him, and the princess asks them a question.) Sally: Who are you weirdoes? Jerome: We're actors. Sir Charles: (waving in Jerome's direction to shush him) We're Jedi, sent by the King to investigate Robotnik's activities. Jerome: And we did. Can we go back to Mobotropolis now? Sally: An excellent idea. The Senate must hear of this! Sir Charles: But we're supposed to be a monarchy. Sally: (grabbing Sir Charles and shaking him by the collar) This is no time to argue about politics! My loyal citizens are being turned into mindless robots! Sir Charles: Okay, already! (pushes her away and looks around) But how do we get back to Mobotropolis? Robotnik smashed our Learjet. Sally: I have an... alternate means of transportation. (Cue a convenient scene change, skipping several minutes of really boring footage in which they sneak across Knothole. They end up in a hangar at the top of a cliff, inside which hangar is a large aircraft of highly unique configuration.) Jerome: (dumbfounded) It's a chrome hang glider. Sir Charles: (to Sally) You have got to be kidding. Sally: Of course not! The royal hang glider has been in the family for centuries! Sir Charles: But that's crazy! Where are we going to put everybody? Especially Jerome! Jerome: Not to mention our visitor. (Everyone looks in the direction of a huge tear in the space-time continuum, out of which comes Jar Jar Binks.) Jar Jar: Mesa back! Antoine: Oh non, eet iz zat Gungan again! *hides behind the other guardsmen* Sir Charles: (sputtering) What... how... (points at the anomaly) What is that thing? Sally: I think it's called a plot hole. Sir Charles: This is just great. Now where do we put everybody? Jerome: Well, I'll just take this plot hole to Space-Time Six. All points are tangent there, so I'll come out later wherever you guys end up. Sally: And how, pray tell, do you expect to be able to come back again? Jerome: I'll just stay by the entrance and wait for you to contact me. Here, you can dial my pager on this cellphone. Sir Charles: (bewildered look) Jerome: Just dial 1-888-555-2345 and then press '1' to leave a numerical message. Sir Charles: (hopelessly lost, that-is-the-most-ridiculous-thing-I- have-ever-heard look) Jerome: Remember... press the 'star' key once if you're in trouble, three times if you're in a lot of trouble, and five times if you're in so much trouble that I'd have to be out of my mind to come anywhere near. Audience Bob: You're ALL out of your minds, or you wouldn't be in this STUPID MOVIE!! Sally: (shushes Bob) Sir Charles: But what about him? (indicates Jar Jar) Do we have to bring him along? Sally: Yes. Better that than letting him get robotized. Sir Charles: Why's that? Sally: His quasi-pseudo-Jamaican accent is bad enough as it is. Do you really want to hear it with mechanical overtones? Sir Charles: *shudders* But how do we take him with us? Jerome: Hey! Gungan! You know those massive ear-flaps of yours? Jar Jar: Uh-huh. Jerome: (stepping into the anomaly) Spin 'em around in the air. You should be able to fly just like Snoopy. (He does. In complete defiance of several important laws of physics, it works. But then, what do you expect from a suggestion made in such close proximity to a plot hole? At any rate, he and the hang glider take off, the latter piloted by one of the guardsmen and somewhat burdened by having a bunch of Mobians strapped to it. Unfortunately, that is hardly the limit of their difficulties.) Pilot: Incoming enemy fighters! Antoine: *passes out* (Yet another cool CGI sequence, in which footage of the hang glider is superimposed on top of a video of the Sky Chase minigame from Sonic Adventure. Quite a bit of firepower is being thrown around - none of it emanating from the glider - and several thousand armor-piercing rounds puncture a chrome wing.) Pilot: We're losing altitude... get the astromech droid out there! Sir Charles: The WHAT!? (On cue, R2-D2 pops out of a little hatch in the wing.) Sir Charles: *passes out* R2-D2: (mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: What's wrong with him? (Artoo rolls across the wing, upside down, towards the damage. As he gets nearer the end of the wing, the hang glider becomes unbalanced.) Hang glider: (tilts until it's vertically oriented, and drops like a rock) Pilot: Now we're REALLY losing altitude! Sally: (frantic) Artoo, we need more power... R2-D2: (mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: I'm giving it all I've got! (Fortunately the droid works really, really quickly, and the wing is soon repaired. Artoo rolls back into the hatch, and the glider stabilizes.) Sally: That takes care of that problem, but we're still being shot at! Pilot: (to Sally) You know that red button I told you not to push? Sally: (bewildered look) No. Pilot: Well, FIND IT and PUSH IT ANYWAY!! (She does. A cool CGI sequence ensues in which the glider sprouts rocket engines.) Soundtrack: (Appropriate music from the Men in Black movie) Pilot: Woohoo! (The pilot hits the afterburners, and the glider speeds off into the distance.) Jar Jar: Wait for meeeee... -- [Act 2] (What's this? The cameras are currently focused on a bluescreen platform off to the side, and nobody's acting! Instead, the director - who looks remarkably like Jerome - is speaking with a Mobian falcon.) Director: Remember, Tachyon... when you're playing Darth Maul you can't talk. Ever. Tachyon: Are you sure? Director: Positive. Tachyon: But Darth Maul had at least /one/ line in Episode One... Director: Oh, alright. You can say "at last we shall have our revenge". But only once. Tachyon: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks. Director: And you always have to look menacing. Tachyon: Okay. I have plenty of experience with that. (Filming quickly starts back up. Shadow gets in front of the bluescreen, and thanks to the miracles of special effects he then appears as a hologram on Robotnik's desktop.) Robotnik: That idiot hedgehog ran off, and we can't find him! Shadow: (still wearing that hood) Don't worry. He'll be found. Robotnik: How? It's impossible! Shadow: Not for a Sith. Robotnik: (looking very confused) What's a Sith? Shadow: Who cares? Now, as I was saying... (Tachyon steps forward and becomes visible on the hologram. He looks about as menacing as one can get without wearing Dennis Rod-I mean, Darth Maul's face paint.) Tachyon: Grr. Shadow: This is my apprentice, Darth Tachyon. He will find your hedgehog. Tachyon . o O (I will?) Shadow: Or I will personally make him into a feather pillow. Tachyon: *gulps* Shadow: Thank you, and have a nice day. (The hologram disappears.) Robotnik: (turns to face the robot) This is ridiculous. Do they really expect us to take them seriously? I mean, come on... there are only two of 'em! (Cut to Mobotropolis, where two not-so-mysterious figures converse on a rooftop somewhere.) Shadow: What are you waiting for?? Tachyon: (crosses his wings, pointing left and right simultaneously) Shadow: Where? Tachyon: *nods* Shadow: The script says they're supposed to be in the Great Desert. Now get going! Tachyon: (raises his wings in the air and puts on a helpless facial expression) Shadow: How? Tachyon: *nods* Shadow: You're a bird, right? You can fly, right? What's the problem here?? (Tachyon runs off-stage and comes back with a globe. He points to various places on it; first Mobotropolis, then the Great Desert.) Shadow: So? Tachyon: (carves the phrase "4,000 miles" into the globe's surface) Shadow: Yeah. So? Tachyon: *sighs and takes off* (Cut to the Great Desert. As befits a desert it is /really hot/, and sand is everywhere except for what looks like a city in the distance. Everyone - minus Jerome, who is still in Space-Time Six - is standing around the chrome hang glider, where Artoo and the pilot are just finishing tinkering with it.) Pilot: It's no good. We can't get this thing back in the air without more fuel for the rocket engines. Sir Charles: It's a hang /glider/! Can't you just run it off a cliff and /glide/? Pilot: (gesturing at their surroundings) You see a cliff anywhere? Sir Charles: Hmm. Good point. Looks like there's a city, though. Sally: Excellent! (hands him a fuel can) Go get us some liquid oxygen for the engines. Sir Charles: (gives her an incredulous look) Sally: Unleaded, if you please. Sir Charles: *rolls eyes* Anyone else want to come with me? Pilot: Artoo, you'd better go with him and make sure he doesn't end up buying diesel or something. R2-D2: (mechanical noises) Subtitle: Sure thing! Sally: I'll go too. Sir Charles: Why? It could be dangerous there! Sally: I'm a princess. I don't need a reason. Jar Jar: Mesa comin'! Sir Charles: Noooo. Uh-uh. No way. Antoine: (to Sir Charles) Non! You must bring ze Gungan - you cannot just leaving him with moi! Sir Charles: Why not? You're both annoying side characters. You both have atrocious accents. You should get along just fine! Antoine: *glares at him* Sir Charles: Oh, alright... Jar Jar: Woohoo! (Several minutes of walking later they get to the city. Fortunately, it's a lot closer than it looked. They enter the first gas station they find; a young hedgehog is seated behind the counter.) Sonic: May I help you? Sir Charles: (peering closely at him) Do I know you? Sonic: Nope. Sir Charles: Uh... *holds up fuel can* We need some rocket fuel. Artoo: (mechanical beeping noise) Subtitle: And not diesel! Sonic: Hold on, you'll have to speak with the manager about that. (yells something unintelligible off to the back room) Subtitle: Watto, we got company! Watto: (floats into the room and says something in a fictional language) Subtitle: Oh, joy. What do the outlanders want? (They converse briefly in their language, and Sir Charles turns to Sally.) Sir Charles: Do you understand them at all? Sally: Perfectly. Sir Charles: (astonished look) How so? Sally: I'm reading the subtitles. (Watto finally finishes speaking with Sonic.) Watto: Maybe you find what you need out in the junkyard, huh? Sir Charles: Just great, another ridiculous accent... (They go out back to the junkyard, and within ten seconds Artoo rolls over to what looks like a crashed Space Shuttle and starts beeping wildly.) Subtitle: Paydirt! We got us some LOX here! Sir Charles: (reading the subtitle) How much for this... whatever it is? Watto: Five billion truguts. Sir Charles: WHAT!? Artoo: (mechanical beeping noise) Subtitle: That's only ten thousand Mobiads. Watto: Oh yeah? Well, we don't accept Mobiads here! And good luck finding a currency exchange, heh heh heh. Sir Charles: *waves his hand in the air* Yes, you do accept Mobiads. Watto: (in a trancelike voice) Yes, I do. Artoo: (mechanical beeping noise) Subtitle: Last I checked, we're flat broke. Sir Charles: *waves hand again* Never mind. Watto: (still in a trance) Okay. (Meanwhile, back in the gas station...) Sonic: (to Sally) Are you a tourist? Sally: Huh? Sonic: You must be. I haven't seen you around before. Sally: Oh, really? And how do you know I don't just live on the other side of town? Sonic: *incredulous look* This isn't exactly the biggest city, lady! Pretty much the only people who live here are... (A little robot walks by, and shortly thereafter the camera pans over to one of the convenience store's aisles where two dozen such droids have tied Jar Jar up and are currently partying. Yes, the two factors are related.) Sonic: ...pit droids. Sally: (points at a pit droid) An entire city populated by those things?? Sonic: No! Someone turned on all the pit droids! (He runs over to that aisle.) Sonic: Just great. How do I fold these things back up? The Entire Audience: HIT THE NOSE!! Sonic: Oh, okay. (Watto, Artoo and Sir Charles re-enter.) Sir Charles: Your Highness, we have a bit of a problem. Sally: How so? Sir Charles: We're broke. Sally: *rolls eyes* Wonderful. How can we get enough cash to buy rocket fuel? (Just then, a conveniently-timed TV broadcast comes on - yes, there's a TV above the counter - that will no doubt answer all of their questions! It seems to be the set of a talk show of some sort; after a quick change of costume a suitcoated Jerome is playing the host and sitting in a plush, leather chair.) Audience Bob: Hey! He's supposed to be in Space-Time Six! Jerome: This is a really, really low budget film, okay!? (coughs and tries to get back in character) We're here on Good Morning, Mobius with a Professor Walnut, self-proclaimed expert on... (squints at the teleprompter) I can't read that, it's in Japanese. (The camera pans over to an anime character wearing a lab coat and seated in a chair opposite Jerome's. Thousands of dollars in special effects, gone right down the tube.) Walnut: They're called Pokémon. (Several members of the audience scream and pass out.) Jerome: O-kay... let's just pretend that I've been hibernating for the last few years. Please explain to me exactly what these things are good for. Walnut: *chuckles* Surely you've heard of Pokémon racing. Audience Bob: POKEMON racing!!?? (Screams are heard again. Several more members of the audience pass out.) Walnut: That's right. I hear that there's going to be a pretty huge race tonight, in fact. Huge cash prizes. (Sally and Sir Charles briefly exchange triumphant glances.) Jerome: So... uh... (looks at the teleprompter again) Who's expected to win? Walnut: Oh, they're all pretty good teams. But Team Rocket always wins. Especially when compared with Team Bicycle and Team Waterski. Jerome: (still reading the teleprompter) Speaking of which, I'd like to introduce our other guests from Team Rocket. (A couple of extras walk on-stage, accompanied by...) Jerome: Is that an actual Pokémon? Extra: No, it's a special effect. Extra #2: *elbows the other extra* Please don't ask us any questions, we aren't supposed to have speaking parts. Voice from off-stage: Well, it's too late for that now, isn't it!? Jerome: *groans* So, um... (to the Pokémon) What's your name? Pokémon: (takes a deep breath) SEBULBASAUR!!! (All pause after what may well be the corniest gag in the whole skit.) Jerome: I don't suppose you can say anything else...? Pokémon: *ahem* Se. Bul. Ba. Saur. Jerome: *rolls eyes* It figures. (Back in the gas station...) Sir Charles: This is great! Now we just need a Pokémon! R2-D2: (mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: Actually, I've been checking their website, and Mobians are elgible to participate too. Sir Charles: *sarcastically* Oh, sure. And just where are we going to find a world-class athlete out here in the middle of nowhere? (Sonic grins madly, and then does a few laps around the aisles in less time than it took you to read this sentence.) Sir Charles: *long, astonished pause* Sonic: *smiles triumphantly* Sir Charles: ...perfect! Watto: Yeah? Well, you'll never beat Sebulbasaur. He always wins! Sonic: Hey! I can do mach one, easy! R2-D2: (mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: Sebulbasaur uses a rocket engine. He's been clocked at 1220 mph. Sir Charles: We have a rocket engine, too! Sally: But we don't have any fuel. Sir Charles: (to Watto) Okay, I'll make you a deal. You give us enough fuel for him to race (indicates Sonic), and if he wins we get another full tank. Watto: And... what's in it for me? Sir Charles: If we lose, you can have the astromech droid. R2-D2: (/loud/ mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: HEY! Watto: Deal! (They shake hands. Sir Charles wipes his glove off on the counter immediately afterwards. Ick.) Sir Charles: Okay, everyone... let's get back to the hang glider and get everything set up. (to Watto) And you need to meet us at the Pokémon race track tomorrow, with the fuel. Sally: *ahem* Aren't you forgetting something? Sir Charles: What? Jar Jar: (still tied up) Mmmph! Sir Charles: Okay, I'll untie him already! (muttering to self) Boy, I hope the pilot can get that rocket engine to fit that kid. (Later, back at the hang glider...) Pilot: Are you CRAZY!!?? There's no possible way to do that! Sally: If we don't win, you lose Artoo. Pilot: Where's my tool kit? (Meanwhile, off to the side, Sir Charles pokes Sonic with a needle.) Sonic: Hey! What'd you do that for? Sir Charles: I want to do a blood test so I can find out how you run so fast. Sonic: Oh, okay. Just as long as you weren't giving me a shot or anything. (Sir Charles gets out the cellphone and dials Jerome's pager. Another plot hole opens, and he peeks out.) Jerome: I was just about to beat my old high score. What's wrong? Sir Charles: *yet another incredulous look* What are you talking about?? Jerome: Oh, this place is great! I've got a wide-screen TV with surround-sound speakers, and a multimedia PC, and- Sir Charles: Wait a minute... I thought Space-Time Six was a completely nonphysical dimension. Audience Bob: PLOT HOLE!! Jerome: Exactly! Sir Charles: *groans* Well, if you've got all that other equipment in there would you mind whipping up a scanner for Sonic's blood sample? Jerome: *thinking* This is a G-rated fic. Are you sure you're allowed to mention blood? Sir Charles: Just do it, already!! (hands him the sample) Jerome: Oh, alright... (He goes back into the plot hole and emerges a comically short time later.) Jerome: Wow! The meta-chlorine readings are off the scale! Sir Charles: *scratches head* What's that supposed to mean? Jerome: Well, meta-chlorine is lighter than tennis shoes. So, having a lot of it in his bloodstream means that he can jump higher and run faster than the average Mobian. Sir Charles: (long pause... stares at Jerome) You have GOT to hire some better science consultants. Jerome: Need I remind you, again, of our low budget? (Several hours pass. The pilot actually gets a working prototype finished; it looks like a crossbar with an engine on either side. Sonic grabs hold of it and prepares to test the device.) Sonic: Juice time! Jar Jar: Ooh, mesa taste! (And before you can say "ouch" the neurotic Gungan gets his tongue quite thoroughly caught in the machine.) Jar Jar: *gags* Everybody else: AARGH!! (Another trip to the city and several sticks of butter later-) Jar Jar: Mmm! (-the Gungan's tongue is finally pried from the engine. Everyone sets up camp near the hang glider; except for Sonic, who lives in a cardboard box behind the local supermarket.) Sonic: I can't afford an apartment 'cause I spend all my money on Pokémon cards. Audience: *groan* (The next morning they meet at the track, their rocket engine fueled by the local Toydarian. The place looks a lot like the podrace arena from Star Wars, except that the sportscasters are very different. One is an orangish fox, the other is an arctic fox, and they both have two tails. Each.) Tails: Good MORNING, racing fans, and welcome to the 214th weekly Pokémon race!! Flurry [Warning: Shameless plug for yet another one of the author's stories]: Sponsored by our glorious host and tyrannical overlord, Jabba the Slug! (A huge, faceless slug squirms out onto a platform.) Audience Bob: Eww. Tails: The racers are getting ready to rock! Look, there's Team Bicycle. (A bunch of Mewtwos on racing bikes pedal out onto the track.) Flurry: And Team Balloon! (A dozen Jiggilypuffs get ready to cut the cords on their hot air balloons.) Jiggilypuff: (singing into a microphone) Jigg-i-ly-puff... All the other Jiggilypuffs: Zzzzz... Tails: And let's not forget Team Snowboard. (A bunch of Pikachus board in on the sand, and proceed to provide their unique insight on the race.) Pikachu: Pika! Pika-pi! Chu! The Audience (in the movie): YAY! The Audience (in the theater): NOOOOO!! Flurry: Uh oh, it looks like Team Snowboard's sno-cone machine has iced up the track! Tails: Fortunately, our maintenance crew is now taking care of the problem. (A Chansey (aren't they so cute? :-) and a couple dozen pit droids start sprinkling salt on the ice.) Chansey: Chansey! Audience Bob: *rolls eyes* As if we couldn't tell. Flurry: And, now, it's the reigning champion AND sole member of Team Rocket, Sebulbasaur! Sebulbasaur: SEBULBASAUR!! The Audience (in the movie): *wild applause* The Audience (in the theater): *uncontrollable regurgitation* (Finally, Sonic shows up, carrying his weird rocket contraption.) Tails: Oh, look! It's the little Mobian boy, Sonic Hedgehog! Flurry: Let's just hope he can finish the race. *smiles* The Audience (in the movie): *laughter* Tails: And now, the glorious Jabba the Slug will give the signal to start the race... Jabba: (Nothing. Slugs can't talk.) Tails: Oh, forget it. *grabs a microphone and yells into it* GO, GO, GO!! The Racers: *start racing* Jiggilypuff: *looks around* Jiggily? The other Jiggilypuffs: Zzzzz... (As the racers speed over the small patch of ice caused by Team Snowboard's sno-cone maker, the salt is thrown everywhere. Naturally, most of it ends up on Jabba the Slug.) Jabba: *shrivels* The Audience (in the theater): EWWW!! The Audience (in the movie): *starts singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead"* (Meanwhile, in the stands...) Sir Charles: *watching the race on Jerome's Palm Pilot* Will you look at that, Sonic's already ahead! (Meanwhile, on the track...) Sonic: *holding onto the engine for dear life* AAAAHHH!!! Tails: (still in the sportscasters' box, in case you can't tell :-) I don't believe it! The Mobian's in front! Flurry: But Sebulbasaur's gradually pulling ahead. Another extra: (in Team Rocket's booth) Sebulbasaur! Flame attack! (And with that, the Pokémon pulls over and whips out a cellphone with an integrated web browser.) Tails: What IS he doing? Flurry: Feel the suspense! The extra: That REALLY isn't what I meant by flaming... (Back in the stands...) Palm Pilot: You got mail! Sir Charles: *reads the mail* This is ridiculous. He can't spell for anything! Sally: *reading over his shoulder* And that even when he just repeats his name over and over again. (Back in the sportscasters' box...) Tails: Sebulbasaur is back in the race and slowly gaining on the Mobian as they complete the first of two laps. Sonic: *still screaming* Flurry: But what's this? The Mobian's rockets just cut out near the stands! Sonic: *lets go and tumbles around on the dirt until he finally stops* The Audience (in the movie): BOOOO!!! Sebulbasaur: *sticks his tongue out as he rockets by* Sir Charles: Darn it, I should have known Watto would try to trick us... Sally: *gets an idea* Sonic! Catch! (She throws a ring-shaped object in Sonic's direction.) Sonic: *catches and examines it* All riiight! Sir Charles: Was that a power ring? Sally: Even better. Tails: (staring out of the sportscasters' box, using binoculars) I don't believe it, somebody just tossed the Mobian a GLAZED DONUT! Sonic: *eats it and gets back in the race* Flurry: Simple carbohydrates versus rocket fuel! What a contest! Tails: Not really. (The newly sugar-high hedgehog easily passes right by Sebulbasaur and takes first place in only two seconds.) Leonard Nimoy: Two-point-four-one-seven, to be precise. Both audiences: YAAAY!! Sonic: *bows* Jiggilypuffs: Zzzzz... -- Act Three (After their Pokemon racing experience, the pilot is finishing up the glider's refueling outside the city.) Pilot: Okay, we're all set now. Sir Charles: Great, now we can proceed to Mobotropolis! Sonic: Suit yourselves. I'm staying here. (Just then, an ominous black cloud becomes visible on the sand around the far-off city. And it's getting larger.) Sonic: What in the world is that? Sir Charles: Let me find out. (whips out his high-tech collapsable Jedi electrobinoculars and takes a look) Sally: *tapping her foot impatiently* Well? Sir Charles: *gasps* Sonic: What? Sir Charles: See for yourself. (He hands Sonic the binoculars, and the younger hedgehog quickly avails himself of the opportunity to peer at the black cloud.) Sally: What a long sentence. (He sees that it is primarily composed of five-to-ten year old children.) Sonic: So? (They look mad.) Sonic: So? (They're waving Pokeballs in the air and chanting "He beat Sebulbasaur! He beat Sebulbasaur!") Sonic: *gulps* On second thought, I think I'll come with you guys. Sir Charles: No kidding. Everyone except Jar Jar: *grabs onto the hang glider* Sally: Floor it! (The pilot hits the little red button again and they are quickly catapulted into the sky, Jar Jar following and yelling "wait for meee..." A Mobian falcon lands just in time to see them depart.) Tachyon: Wonderful. I just missed 'em. Voice from off-stage: *coughs* Tachyon: Oh, right... (clamps one hand over his beak) Tachyon . o O (My wings are about ready to fall off. From now on I'm taking the bus instead.) (Just then, he notices the ominous black cloud.) One Thousand Angry Pokemon Fans: *chanting* KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! Tachyon: *screams and frantically takes off again* (Several hours of hang gliding are skipped in a single, convenient scene change. Cut to Mobotropolis... or what's left of it. The glider has landed, and everyone is looking around at the ruins.) Sir Charles: What happened here? Sally: Looks like a disaster area. Everyone: *glares at Jar Jar* Jar Jar: (in a voice that sounds like someone is pinching his nose) Did I do thaaat? Shadow: *conveniently stepping out from behind a backdrop* No, you didn't. Sally: Senator Shadow! Now we can finally get to the bottom of things. Sir Charles: Hey, wait a minute... in Sonic the Hedgehog: Episode One, wasn't he- Shadow: *clamps one hand over Sir Charles' mouth* Better not spoil it for her. I don't think she's read it yet. *knowing grin* Sir Charles: *after Shadow uncovers his mouth* Uh... right. Shadow: *to Sally* Anyway, it's not the inept Gungan's fault. Actually, the one to thank is our director. Sally: Godzilla... is our director?? Shadow: No! Silly. I'm talking about that Stevenson fellow. Sir Charles: Jerome... is Godzilla?? Shadow: *rolls eyes* No. But he wrote an article that explained how NOT to write a Sonic fanfic, and the scriptwriters actually took it seriously. Now they're trying to demonstrate their Talent and Insight by writing a really depressing ending where everyone dies. (Antoine spontaneously drops dead.) Sir Charles: Well, at least they started with him. Shadow: *patiently* You do not understand. This is a BAD thing. What we need to do is throw Jerome out and pick a director who's strong enough to stand up to the scriptwriters. And, since Sally here is a princess, I do believe she may have enough influence to have him kicked out... *coughs conspicuously* Sally. *sticks her nose in the air* Never. You peasants do not concern me. (Nicole spontaneously blows up.) Sally: *blinks* They... killed... my... computer!! *raises her arm in the air and starts yelling* That's it! I call for a vote of no confidence in Director Stevenson! Audience Bob: Hey! You can't do that! Shadow's obviously trying to- Shadow: (to Bob) I find your lack of faith disturbing. *another evil grin* Audience Bob: I'll just be quiet now, thank you... (A few minutes later, the votes have been counted, and...) Shadow: What do you know? Thanks to my copious bribes, *ahem* I mean, good luck, I actually got elected as our new director. Al Gore: I demand a recount! The United States of America: *exiles him to Neptune* The Audience: *applauds wildly* Sonic: O-kay... Shadow: Anyway. My friends and I *flexes his claws nonchalantly* have already had a word with the scriptwriters, and this place should be rebuilt as soon as we get the special-effects money. Sir Charles: That is to say, never. Shadow: Well, we did get enough money to finish the set for our next scene... Sir Charles: What next scene? (Just then, a Muppet (tm) wanders on stage.) Grover: (in a cross between his and Yoda's accents) A hedgehog there is, who has much meta-chlorine, is there not. Mm-hm. Test him we must, yesss. Sir Charles: Oh... right. (Cut to the Jedi Council chamber. Present are Sonic, Grover, and Samuel L. Jackson in a reprisal of his role as Mace Windu. The latter is holding a Palm Pilot up, with the screen facing away from Sonic.) Mace: Okay, Sonic... *stares into the screen* What am I looking at? Sonic: A Palm Pilot. Mace: (to Grover) Ooh, he's a smart one. Grover: *nods* (to Sonic) And now, for my test it is time, yesss. Sonic: Would that be the test of withstanding horrible accents? Do your worst. I've already dealt with a Gungan who thinks he's Jamaican and a fox who thinks he's French. Mace: *glares at Sonic* Grover: *shakes head* Sonic: Okay, whatever... Grover: *stands up and stares into Sonic's eyes* Can you find your belly button? Sonic: *starts pacing* Wow. That's a toughie. Mace: Tsk, tsk. Sonic: Do I HAVE a belly button? Audience Bob: *rolls eyes* Sonic: Slasher doesn't, 'cause she hatched from an egg... Mace: I think we're about finished here, thank you for stopping by. Sonic: Don't echidnas lay eggs? So Knux must not have one either... Mace: *picks Sonic up and throws him out* Announcer: This session of the Jedi Council was brought to you by the letter C and the number three! Sponsored in part by the National Foundation for Juvenile Brainwashing, and by Viewers like You. (Back out in the hallway...) Sir Charles: What happened? Sonic: They kicked me out! Sally: Picked him up and threw him out, actually. Sir Charles: Let me go in and have a word with 'em... (Back in the council chamber...) Announcer: In today's episode of Sesame Street, Elmo visits the dentist's office and screams in agony for a full half-hour! Audience Bob: Sesame Street, uncensored. Sir Charles: *looking around* What on Mobius is going on here?? *points at Grover* And what's HE doing here? Voice from off-stage: We need extra money, so we're letting PBS film on our sets. And the scriptwriters killed our Yoda prop, so Grover's substituting. Just play along. Grover: For hundreds of years Jedi have I trained, yesss... Sir Charles: *sputtering* That's... that's ridiculous! Surely you aren't letting a Sesame Street Muppet (tm) play- (A disco ball comes down from the ceiling, accompanied by really huge, Back to the Future-scale speakers.) The Village People: *singing* Y**O**D**A!! Sir Charles: But... that's ridiculous! You're telling me this Sesame Street Muppet (tm) is supposed to be- The Village People: Y**O**D**A!! Grover: Have my own theme song, I do. Indescribably cool I am, yesss. Lead Singer: YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down, I said... Sir Charles: *shouting over the speakers* Nothing from Sesame Street is cool, indescribably or otherwise! Lead Singer: YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown, I said... Grover: *shouting as well* Judge me by my show, do you? And well you should not! Lead Singer: YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, cause I... The Village People: MEAN**YOU**NO**HARM**I**SAY Sir Charles: *shouting at the top of his puny Mobian lungs and still barely audible* Well, I do anyway! Yoda's a great warrior, not a preschooler!! The Village People: WARS**DO**NOT**MAKE**ONE**GREAT Sir Charles: *yalling at the singers* Whose side are you on, anyway!? The Village People: Y**O**D**A!! Sir Charles: *groans* Shoulda seen that coming a mile away... Lead Singer: *still singing* He's nine hundred years old! He's so strong in the Force! Take your Jedi di-plo-ma course! Grover: Git down, yesss. *tries to breakdance* Lead Singer: *still singing* I know you're here to see... Sir Charles: AARGH!! (Sir Charles finally snaps. He draws his lightsaber, makes short work of the disco ball and speakers, and chases the Village People offstage.) The Village People: (faintly, while running away) Y... o... d... a! Grover: *stops breakdancing; sounds annoyed* What are you wanting, hmm? Spoil my favorite song you already have, yesss. Sir Charles: (exasperated) You threw Sonic out because he couldn't find his belly button?? Grover: Mm-hm. Sir Charles: Well... uh... he tried as hard as he could! Grover: *shakes head* Do, or do not. There is no try. Removed from the movie he must be. Sir Charles: What!? Why's that? Grover's puppeteer: *peeks out from behind a curtain* Because he's too darned STUPID! Sir Charles: (wide-eyed stare) Grover's puppeteer: *chuckles and ducks back behind the curtain* Sir Charles: Well... uh... isn't there some way he can stay on? This movie's named after him, for crying out loud! Besides, he seems kind of familiar... Grover: Take him on as your Padawan learner, you must. Teach him the ways of the Matrix *ahem*, the Force, you must, yesss. Sir Charles: I'm supposed to teach him about rivers in North America? Audience Bob: *closes eyes and smacks his own forehead in exasperation* Grover: No! Fancy way of saying "apprentice", it is. Sir Charles: But Jerome's already my apprentice, and Jedi are only supposed to have one at a time. Grover: *shakes head* An extra he is. Only playing your apprentice he is, yesss. Back home with a cold the real actor is. Apprentice-less you are. Audience Bob: *scratching head* Wasn't Jerome supposed to be the director, too? The Rest of the Audience: PLOT HOLE! Jerome: *peeking out of another anomaly* Exactly! (Shadow then walks on-stage, carrying a clipboard. As anyone who's read enough Dilbert knows, if you carry a clipboard and look impatient you can go anywhere. Of course, it also helps that...) Shadow: *looking very self-important* Actually, I'm the director now. So get back in there! *shoves Jerome into the plot hole* Jerome: Hey! (Jerome disappears into the plot hole, and it closes behind him.) Shadow: *consulting his clipboard* We're behind schedule! You... *points at Sir Charles* Get over to soundstage five, on the double! They're going to start filming Sesame Street here any second- Cameraman: *frantically points at a sign marked "On the air"* Sir Charles: *runs for cover* Shadow: *looking very awkward* Uhh... hi! I'm, ah, here with my good friend Grover, who was just about to explain quantum nuclear thermodynamics in ten easy steps! *looks for an escape route* So, bye bye! *Shadow quickly runs off and disappears into the other shadows - something which he has a lot of experience with.* --End of Act Three-- Intermission (Everyone from the audience is out in the lobby right now, and so they miss some very... strange... footage. It looks like it was recorded on a black-and-white camcorder, in a darkened room. Tachyon is peering into the lens.) Tachyon: *whispering furtively* I've got to get out of here. Shadow's become the director, and... he's gone crazy! (He looks around fearfully.) Tachyon: *still whispering* He's trying to have all the bluescreens replaced with blackscreens. He refuses to sell anything but black licorice in the snack bar. And he claims to be even more Talented and Insightful than our neurotic scriptwriters! (There's some sort of noise off in the distance. He looks up for a moment, and then continues.) Tachyon: I'm so scared... I'm so scared!! (The room lights up, and Tachyon squints.) Shadow: Tachyon? Why do you have the lights off in here? Tachyon: Oh no, it's you! AAHHHHH!!! *passes out* Shadow: *groans* Of all the assistants I could have hired... *turns the light back off and leaves* (The audience begins to file back in, but before they arrive we hear a couple of disembodied voices from that strange, far-off land called "Reality"...) First Voice: Okay, Mister-Murr-Quan-Lord-Number-Two, here's the situation. You're on a cross-country move from the American midwest to the near vicinity of the east coast. The moving van's trailer broke down or something, and you and several other members of your family are stranded at a rest stop in Missouri while your Dad tries to get it back online. It's probably about eighty degrees fahrenheit outside, and you prefer sixty degrees with an overcast sky. You're sitting in a packed van, side door open, with a black-and-white, monochrome, 486 laptop plugged into the van's DC outlet. What are you going to do now? Second Voice: I'm going to go to Disneyland! First Voice: Try again. Second Voice: Antarctica? First Voice: Keep dreaming. Second Voice: Okay, I'll just keep writing this Sonic fanfic then. First Voice: Darn straight. Act Four (Video footage of a pristine, forested landscape, viewed from high above the ground. The infamous chrome hang glider flies past, and we hear a voice-over...) Sally: Shadow has been no help at all. Ever since he became our new director, all he's wanted to do is appear on talk shows and promote his movie. Therefore, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. (The hang glider's altitude decreases as it approaches a clearing.) Sally: I'm going to try to form an alliance with the Gungans to drive Robotnik's forces out of Knothole- (The glider smacks into a tree.) Sally: ...just as soon as my bones knit. (Fortunately, they are all instantly healed thanks to the miracles of special effects. Jerome has been conveniently summoned out of Space-Time Six, and everyone is around Nicole's holoprojector, planning.) Audience Bob: Didn't Nicole blow up? Jerome: I just got her out of another plot hole. Sally: *waving in Jerome's direction to shush him* Quit interrupting! Sonic: When do I get to be Sir Charles' Padawan river, I mean learner? Sally: Later! Now be quiet! Grover didn't say when Sir Charles had to teach you, now did he? Sonic: *incoherent and inaudible grumbling* (The princess returns her attention to the hologram - a map of the vicinity of Knothole - and starts pointing at various places on it.) Sally: Okay, now. The quarterback runs off to the left side of the field; Sir Charles will take the ball and pass it to him while Sonic runs distraction and Jar Jar runs away. Any questions? Sonic: *raises hand* I have a question. Sally: Yes? Sonic: What in the WORLD did that have to do with anything!? Sally: Oops, wrong file. *presses a couple of buttons* Alright, here it is. First, we all try to contact the Gungans. Then, the Gungan army will provide a distraction while the rest of us sneak into Knothole, take it back over, and fry the Egg Carrier in time for dinner. Sonic: *raises hand* I have another question. Sally: Yes? Sonic: How do you expect us to do all that? Sally: *waves her hand in the air dismissively* One thing at a time! Let's contact the Gungans. Sir Charles: How do you expect us to do THAT? Their city's underwater. Sally: Oh, don't worry. I'm sure that if we just sit here next to Jerome's plot holes for long enough, they'll inevitably find us. (On cue, a bunch of Gungans pop out of nowhere, led by their really fat leader, Boss Nass. Did you know that Nass means "wet" in German? I'm not quite sure if it's pronounced the same, but-) Sally: Hi! Can you guys beat up the SWATbots for us? (You interrupted!) Sally: Well, ex-cuse me! *ahem* (to the Gungans) Pleeease? Boss Nass: NO! (Everyone is quite taken aback by this. The two hedgehogs' spines are blown farther back than before. Jerome drops the stylus to his Palm Pilot, and starts crawling around on the grass to look for it.) Sally: Erm... why not? Boss Nass: Yousa gotta Jah Jah wif you. Hesa terrrible creeminal. Maken everyting goin' boom. Sir Charles: *aside, to Jerome* Wonderful, another lousy accent. Jerome: Who cares? Start helping me look. *continues searching for the Palm's stylus* Sally: (to Boss Nass) Huh? Boss Nass: Everyting he gettin' near goin' boom. Hesa gonna be... pooneeshed. Sally: What? Boss Nass: Hhmph! Yousa outlanders, tinkin' yousa better den us... but wesa better. Wesa gotta grand vocabularie. Sally: Whatever. I'm just going to deny your request out of hand, because I have absolutely no idea what you're saying. Boss Nass: DIE!! Sally: That, I understood. *to the human and Mobians* Run for it!!! (They do so, and are able to make it out into a clearing a mile or two away - the Gungans are forced to go more slowly, since it takes half their army just to carry Boss Nass around. A very complicated procedure.) Sally: Okay, here's the new plan. Sonic, Sir Charles, Artoo, Jerome, and the pilot will come with me to retake Knothole. Rotor will stay behind with the guardsmen to distract the Gungans and keep them from mowing us down. Audience Bob: Rotor? He hasn't been in the movie since that scene back in your hut! Sally: Yes, he has. He's just been remarkably quiet. Now let's get moving! Rotor: Um... how am I supposed to hold the entire Gungan army off with a handful of royal guardsmen? Sally: Just build a new machine or something. Rotor: Where am I going to get the parts or tools? Sally: Drag 'em out of a plot hole. Jerome: *checking his Palm Pilot* Oh no! Plot holes have been used as actual plot devices in this fic way too frequently! Our entire universe is destabilizing! Audience: *screams* Sir Charles: Well, what do we do about it? (The universe merges with a parallel dimension in a self-guided attempt to restore continuity.) All: *sigh in relief* (The actors run off to implement Sally's plans, and a couple of Mobians from the new, parallel dimension run into the theater and quickly shut and lock the door behind themselves...) Alternate Universe Knuckles: *sighs in relief* That was close. Alternate Universe Tails: *gasping for breath* You shouldn't (pant) have done that. AU Knuckles: Well, what was I supposed to do? It was either him or us! AU Tails: Yeah, but locking Sonic in there with those salesmen? AND Amy? If he survives, he'll be traumatized for life. AU Knuckles: *looks around* Uh... Tails? AU Tails: Yes? AU Knuckles: I don't think we're in geosynchronous orbit above Kansas, anymore. AU Tails: What makes you say that? AU Knuckles: *points at the audience* AU Tails: Hey! What are THEY doing on the Satellite of Sega? The Audience: *shushes them loudly* Audience Bob: We're watching a Sonic fanfic. Now keep it down! (Tails and Knuckles exchange horrified looks, and then start banging on the door.) Tails and Knuckles: LET US OUT! PLEASE! (The usher makes them sit down - poor guys. Meanwhile, Sally and company sneak into Knothole, under a rapidly darkening, late evening sky. Half of the crew is behind one hut, half is behind another, and a half-dozen SWATbots are guarding their objective: the transporter platorm that leads up to the Egg Carrier.) Sally: *uses a flashlight to signal people behind a hut opposite the one she's hiding behind* Sally: *waits... taps her foot...* Sally: *whispering to the people behind her* Okay, I gave 'em the signal. Why aren't they responding? (Unfortunately, it seems that Jerome was among those that were being signaled.) Jerome: *shines the flashlight in their direction* Sally: The coast is clear, then. Let's go! (And so, Sonic, Sally, Artoo and the Pilot run out and are immediately shot at by the SWATbots.) Sonic: Hey! You said the coast was clear! Sally: Yes, I thought- (She stops, and notices that not only is Jerome's flashlight still on, but he's using it to make shadow puppets on the wall of a nearby hut.) Jerome: *whispering to Sir Charles* See, this one's a bunny, and... Sir Charles: JEROME! Turn that stupid thing off and let's get going! (The SWATbots all turn to look in their direction.) Sir Charles: Oh, wonderful. (They run off, and the SWATbots leave the transporter completely unguarded, thereby violating one of the primary rules of the Evil Overlord list - which Robotnik never read.) Sally: Cool! Let's go. (They run onto the teleporter, while Sir Charles is seen performing lightsaber choreography in the background. Cut to-) AU Knuckles: The chase! AU Tails: The beach! Audience Bob: The planet Coruscant! (I see you two are back to your usual antics.) AU Knuckles: *nodding proudly* AU Tails: And we're teaching Bob, too. Audience Bob: Always two there are, a master... and an apprentice. AU Knuckles: So what does that make me? AU Tails: I always thought you were Guardian of the Floating Island. AU Knuckles: Oh, okay. (As I was trying to say. We now cut back to the huge, open field near Knothole.) AU Tails: I thought Knothole was in the Great Forest! (It is. This is a clearing, okay? Anyway. Up on a hill, we have Rotor, Antoine, and a few assorted-) AU Knuckles: Baloney sandwiches! (-royal guardsmen, and assembling in the field below are- Audience Bob: A horde of marching elephants! AU Tails: A flock of rabid pretzels! AU Knuckles: *gives Tails a very strange look* AU Tails: You gotta eat 'em quick, before they turn dangerous. AU Knuckles: I don't think that's what they mean by the expiration date. (-the Gungans, who are busily setting up those huge shield-generator dinosaur thingies of theirs.) Audience Bob: How eloquent. Antoine: Oh non! We are to being attack-ed by a beeg, giganteek army of special effects! Rotor: Don't worry. I've already come up with something to beat down on them with. A Random Guardsman: Really? What? Voice from off-stage: Hey! He's not supposed to have a speaking part! Rotor: *ignores the voice* My newest creation! *points at a figure with a tarp draped over it* AU Tails: Oh, how convenient. And where did this all come from? AU Knuckles: Plot hole! Audience Bob: Exactly! AU Knuckles: (to Bob) You're weird, you know that? Audience Bob: No, I'm just getting used to this crazy fic. AU Tails: Clear evidence of insanity if ever I saw it. Rotor: *staring at Tails and Knuckles* Ahem? AU Tails: *whispering to Bob* You didn't tell me this was a live performance. Audience Bob: Who cares? Certainly hasn't stopped me. The Rest of the Audience: WE KNOW!! Rotor: Anyway. Behold my newest creation... (He pulls off the tarp, to reveal-) AU Knuckles: A giant, man-eating jellyfish... AU Tails: ...plastered on dry land like a blob of discolored tapioca pudding! Audience Bob: Eww. Rotor: Dragon-Bob Z! Tails, Knuckles, and Bob: WHAT?? Audience Bob: How dare they name an anime character after me! AU Tails: Yeah! Anime's disgusting! And it's unrealistic, too. Nobody really looks like that! AU Knuckles: *gives Tails another very strange look* (Sure enough, it's a stereotypical anime character, wearing a karate-type costume, a stern facial expression and an extremely flammable hairdo.) AU Knuckles: The kind that you can batter down doors with. AU Tails: What's a down door? Audience Bob: I'm not impressed. *starts shouting at the screen* Hey! Get off-stage, you stupid- Dragon-Bob Z: SCREAMING FRENZY BEATDOWN ATTACK!!!! (This part hardly needs to be described. Anyone who's watched anime knows exactly what the next half-minute of footage is like. In stereo, theater sound, no less. Speaking of which, it looks like most of the rows in the theater have been tipped over or wrenched from their places altogether.) Tails, Knuckles, and Bob: *start waving little white flags from behind the last row of seats* The Same Random Guardsman: Wow. This is gonna rock. The Gungans are so dead! Rotor: *nods proudly* Guardsman: Wait a minute... where'd Dragon-Bob Z go? Voice from off-stage: We don't have the money to keep playing that special effect. Sorry, you're just going to have to do without. Captain Tarpals (a Gungan): Charge! Rotor: Run! (Cut to the Egg Carrier. Sir Charles and Jerome have finally made it on board, and everyone's in its huge, main room... you know, the one with the monorail, viewscreen, and all the little cleaning robots?) Sally: *checking Nicole's holoprojector* Okay... I think we need to go through this door. *points at a nearby door* (Then, the door opens, to reveal none other than Tachyon. Wearing a hood, and looking as menacing as he possibly can.) Tachyon: Grr. Soundtrack: Duel of the Fates (The music they play when Darth Maul shows up? With all the choir "ahh"s in the background?) Sally: Uhh... we'll just take the scenic route, thank you. Sonic: No way. Lemme at him! I never got to beat him up in the last book! Sally: *drags Sonic with her* Sonic: Hey! (They leave.) Tachyon: *throws off his hood and gives Jerome and Sir Charles a stare that could pierce tank armor* Jerome: *doesn't notice 'cause he's playing Asteroids again* Sir Charles: *stares right back and activates his lightsaber* Tachyon: *widens eyes* Wait a minute... nobody told me we were supposed to use lightsabers! Sir Charles: Tough. Tachyon: But I don't know how to use a lightsaber! Jerome: Same here. *raises hand* Tachyon: I'm sorry, I just can't deal with this. (to off-stage) Stunt double! Sir Charles: (to Jerome) This ought to be good. *snicker* (A couple of seconds later, the Cocytan gene trader from Alien Crossfire marches on stage. For those of you who have never read it, he looks a lot like an alien griffin with feathery, brownish fur, reverse-jointed legs and three sets of tiny wings. And he's nine feet tall.) Tachyon: *runs off-stage to watch* Sir Charles: *staring at the Cocytan* Oh, darn it. Cocytan: *yawns* Sir Charles: (to off-stage) Hey! *points at the Cocytan* He can't be Tachyon's stunt double, he doesn't look anything like him! Voice from off-stage: Have you EVER seen anyone who looks anything like Tachyon? Sir Charles: Good point. Cocytan: *powers up a double-bladed lightsaber... in each hand* Sir Charles: *stares* (Sir Charles raises his lightsaber and assumes a fighting stance, while the Cocytan swings his four lightsaber blades around for a second or two before swinging at Sir Charles. He blocks, but is _still_ knocked into the far wall.) Jerome: YEAH!! Rock on! Cocytan: *turns to stare at Jerome* (It seems that the human is playing Asteroids, and is so completely engrossed in his game that he is oblivious to his surroundings.) Cocytan . o O (This oughta wake him up.) (He twirls his lightsabers around for another second or two, and then slams one of their blades right through Jerome's Palm Pilot.) Jerome: *stares, dumbfounded, at the crumbling pieces of plastic and electronics in his hands* Cocytan . o O (Heh heh heh.) Jerome: You... killed... my... Palm Pilot! Cocytan: *nods amusedly* Jerome: That's it! *raises his hands in the air* I summon the amazing powers of self-insert-ness! (Lightning strikes the Cocytan and knocks him into the path of the monorail, which promptly runs him over.) Cocytan: Ow. *falls unconscious* Jerome: Cool. (Jerome then goes over to the fallen form of Sir Charles, kneels, and takes the hedgehog's head in his arms.) Jerome: Nooooo! *sniffle* He was too young to die! Well, not really, but... Sir Charles: Hey! I'm not dead yet! Jerome: Be quiet! *bangs Sir Charles' head against the floor* Sir Charles: Ow. *falls unconscious* Tachyon: *watching from a safe distance and clapping sarcastically* Jerome: And just what do you have to say for yourself? Tachyon: Uh... at last we shall have our revenge? *smiles sheepishly* Jerome: *rolls eyes* Tachyon: This whole movie is absolutely sick, you know that? Who's writing it, anyway!? I bet you've given the author a heart attack by now, Jerome, you and your stupid plot holes. Jerome: *stands up and faces Tachyon* No, I did not kill the author... Tachyon, I am your author!! Tachyon: NOOOOOO!! It's not possible!! Jerome: Join me, and we can rule Mobius as author and bird! Tachyon: *blinks* Huh? Jerome: Never mind. I think I'm supposed to chop one of your wings off now. Tachyon: *runs away frantically* --- End of Act Four --- Act Five (Everyone is standing on the bridge of the Egg Carrier. Except Robotnik, who's sitting down.) Robotnik: *looking around at the heroes* Where'd you people come from?? Sir Charles: We took a left at soundstage seven. *draws his lightsaber* Now surrender, or else! Robotnik: Or else what? Huh? Sir Charles: Um... good point. Jerome, am I allowed to kill someone with a lightsaber in a G-rated story? Jerome: Well, I just got another Palm Pilot out of a plot hole, lemme check. *starts playing Asteroids instead* (Jar Jar tries to lean over Jerome's shoulder to watch, but TRIPS OVER HIS OWN SHADOW and lands on the control panel, toggling a thousand buttons and switches - not the least of which is the one marked "ejection seat".) Robotnik: *flies out of the cockpit at 1,250 mph* Aaaaahhh!! Sir Charles: Well, that's certainly convenient. Sonic: Hey! I'm supposed to beat him down! Sally: Well, forget it. *walks over to the controls* Computer? Set a course... (The camera zooms in to her eyes, which gleam with the reflection of the pristine view outside the window. And the cameraman, who waves cheerfully.) William Shatner (special guest star!): ...out there. Sally: Hey! I was supposed to say that! Jerome: Mm-hm. *nods absently whilst playing Asteroids* (And so, the Egg Carrier flies off into the sunset. Everybody is happy, except for the remaining denizens of Knothole and Mobotropolis, both of which cities were smashed into a thousand pieces.) Sally: Do we care? (Evidently not. Oh, well. This brings us to) THE END [File: Save] [File: Print] Tapping his claws against the floor after a good ten seconds of waiting, Tachyon grabbed the papers out of the laser printer as soon as they were printed. Quickly leafing through the papers to make sure that they were in order, he ran off down the hallway, arriving after another ten seconds at Shadow's office. The door was open, and he walked in without preamble. "Sir? I..." He stopped. The cat was on the phone again. Shadow's voice was as cheerful as always. "Okay, then... yes, we should have filming done by the middle of the month. Better start up the merchandising this next Wednesday." There was a pause, and he nodded absently to whomever was on the other end of the connection. "Yes. Oh, and can we get a novelization done too? Really? Great! Try to get me a spot on Good Morning, Mobius to promote it. Oh, and don't forget book-signing appearances. Yup. Thanks! Bye." He swiveled his black leather chair around to face his aide. "Looks like you have some more writing to do, Tachyon!" He smiled. "Um... yes." Tachyon set the small stack of paper on Shadow's desk. "Here's the last act, just like you wanted." The scriptwriters had gotten on the cat's nerves several days ago, and so Jerome and Tachyon had taken over for them. Shadow rifled through the pages for a moment or two, and frowned. "This is absolutely sick. Just look at this mess!" Several consonants spilled out of a large plot hole. "Sorry, sir. Jerome made me put those in." "Well, you shouldn't listen to him. Jerome's just your co-writer. I'm the director. Remember? And what's this? You wrote a happy ending! Tsk, tsk." Crystalline claws shredded the papers in a comically short length of time. "You're just going to have to re-write." Tachyon swallowed his pride. It didn't taste very good. "Okay... do you have any specific suggestions?" Shadow noticed that the author hadn't said anything about his hanging up the phone, and remedied the situation before speaking. "Kill everyone off. Except me, of course." He grinned evilly, because he'd used up all of his pleasant grins. He continued speaking, dramatically gesturing around the room as producers are wont to do when describing something dramatic. "I want tragedy! I want sorrow! I want..." "Talent and Insight?" "Exactly!" "Okay..." Tachyon rolled his eyes at Shadow while the cat's back was turned. "Now get to work, already!" And so, the falcon picked his eyes back up and walked out. Act Five (Okay, everyone, there are going to be a few changes.) Jerome: Mm-hm. *nods absently while still playing Asteroids* Sir Charles: Changes? Like what? (Well, first off, I'm turning the Egg Carrier into a boat. And it's on the water instead of over the Great Forest.) Jerome: That's nice. Sally: Whatever. Just let me say my lines, okay? *ahem* Computer? Set a course... oh, I don't care, just take us somewhere else. (The camera zooms in on the computer, which looks remarkably like...) HAL 9000: I'm sorry, Sally. I can't do that. Sally: WHAT?? HAL 9000: I cannot compromise the success of the merchandising. Jar Jar: *sticks his - very long - tongue out at the computer* HAL 9000: Jar Jar, your lack of co-operation distresses me. Could you please take a flying leap over the railing so that we can discuss this further? Jar Jar: Okie dae! (The Gungan actually does so, and promptly drowns in the frigid water.) The Audience: *applauds wildly* AU Tails: Wow! AU Knuckles: What a beautiful story... *sniffles; wipes a tear away* Audience Bob: Hey... why'd they turn the Egg Carrier into a boat? Sonic: *leaning over the railing* Maybe it has something to do with that. (He points at an immense iceberg in front of them. The camera does a quick pan of the iceberg, showing roughly a million penguins playing in the snow on top of it. One of them is playing with a ship's steering wheel, which is embedded in the ice for no readily apparent reason.) Penguins: (avian noises) Subtitle: Hard to port! Hard to starboard! Hard to port! Hard to starboard! The Penguin who's playing with the steering wheel: (avian noises) Subtitle: Make up your minds, already! (She spins the wheel wildly, and all the other Penguins pivot their heads around and around while watching it.) Several Penguins: *pass out from dizziness* (And, oddly enough, the iceberg is now headed for the Egg Carrier with surprising rapidity.) Sally: Uh-oh. Sir Charles: I think I know what this just turned into a spoof of. Jerome: (standing at the very front of the Egg Carrier) I'm the king of the world!! (The iceberg grates against the boat, and the turbulence causes Jerome to drop his new Palm Pilot.) Jerome: *looking over the side of the ship* Darn it! AU Tails: *giggling wildly* Oh, this is gonna be good. AU Knuckles: *nods* Pass me the pretzels, will you, Bob? Audience Bob: Uh... *looks inside a bag of pretzels* Are they supposed to be staring back? AU Knuckles: Here, let me see. (He sticks his face in the bag - like a complete idiot - and promptly recoils with a dozen rabid pretzels attached to his face.) Rabid Pretzels: *snarl* *bite* *snarl* AU Knuckles: *running around and batting at the air* Aaaahhh! Get 'em off of me! (The Egg Carrier starts to tip, its stern sinking into the water, even though it got hit in the front.) Sally: Somebody do something! HAL 9000: Doctor Chandra taught me to sing a song. Would you like to hear it? Everyone: NO! HAL 9000: *singing* Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do... Sir Charles: Quick! Someone look up the Titanic in the encyclopedia! We've got to figure out what to do! Sonic: *browsing through one of Robotnik's encyclopedias; selects a passage at random* The band continued to play on the Titanic, right up until the very end... oops, I just gave the author an idea, didn't I? (Back-to-the-Future-esque speakers come out of the walls on both sides of the bridge.) Rotor: *grabs a microphone* Welcome to the Battle of the Bands! In one corner... Celine Dion! And in the other... the Village People! The Imaginary Crowd: *wild applause* HAL 9000: *still singing* I'm half-crazy, over the love of you... Sir Charles: Only half? (Meanwhile, back in the theater...) AU Knuckles: AAAAHHHHH!!! I'm being attacked by Rabid Pretzels! AU Tails: Don't worry, I've got a flame thrower! *torches Knuckles* AU Knuckles: AAAAHHHHH!!! I'm on fire! Audience Bob: Don't worry, there's a fire extinguisher in this little box on the wall! (He breaks the glass over the fire extinguisher, grabs it, and douses Knuckles quite thoroughly with CO2 foam. Simultaneously, the sprinklers and fire alarm both come on.) Fire Alarm: *really loud wailing noise* The Audience: *covers their ears and gets really wet* AU Tails: How do we turn those things off? (They are turned off by someone in the projection booth...) Audience Bob: Great! (...who just happens to be the evil General Sodium, a pretzel who is the supreme dictator of the Pretzel's Democratic Socialist Republik, and seems to have been dyed using camouflage food coloring.) General Sodium: *weird squeaky noises* Subtitle: Chaaarge! (A hundred thousand Pretzel Stormtroopers... well... storm the theatre.) AU Knuckles: *holding a flame thrower* Hold the line! Nothing gets through! Audience Bob: Where are you guys getting these flame throwers? AU Tails: Plot hole! AU Knuckles: Exactly! *tosses Bob a flame thrower* (Meanwhile, back on the Egg Carrier, the floor of which is tilted at a thirty-degree angle again...) Celine Dion: *singing* Neeeeear... faaaar... where-ever you are- The Village People's Lead Singer: *singing* -I saw your ship come down, I said... Grover: *breakdances* Sally: I have a bad feeling about this. Sir Charles: It's called nausea. Sally: No kidding... *runs outside with her hands over her mouth* Celine Dion: I belieeeeve, that- Lead Singer: -It's all muddy and brown, I said... Sonic: *runs by, screaming* The Sky Deck is falling! The Sky Deck is falling! Antoine: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! Sir Charles: And you're going FIRST! *pushes him over the railing* HAL 9000: It won't be a stylish marriage... (Back in the theatre, the air is thick with smoke and the smell of roasted pretzels. Tails and Knuckles are trying to fend off the rabid wheat products, while Bob watches the movie.) Audience Bob: *watches Sir Charles push Antoine off and applauds wildly* AU Knuckles: Bob! Grab a flamethrower and help us! Audience Bob: Aww, come on! You just missed a really good part! Rabid Pretzels: *shrivel and make noises like dying aliens* AU Tails: There's too many of 'em! AU Knuckles: Stay on target... (Back on the Egg Carrier, which is tilted at a forty-degree angle...) Leonard Nimoy: Forty-two point five-nine-seven degrees, to be precise. Lead Singer: Put your weapon away, 'cause I- Celine Dion: -belieeeeeve, that the heart will, go- Sonic: *looking over the railing* -overboard! Man overboard! Sir Charles: Don't you mean "Mobian overboard"? Sonic: No! Jerome just jumped over the side! Sir Charles: I knew he'd go off the deep end someday. Sonic: *rolls eyes* (They both look over the side, to see Jerome in a rubber raft shared by a dozen Penguins.) Sir Charles: So? (And one Palm Pilot.) Sir Charles: Ah... Jerome: Gimme back my Palm Pilot! Penguins: (avian noise that sounds like "Hee hee hee!") Subtitle: Hee hee hee! HAL 9000: *still singing* I can't afford a carriage... (In the theatre...) AU Tails: I can't shake 'em! AU Knuckles: *more insistent* Stay on target... Audience Bob: *grabs a pretzel and eats it absently while watching the movie* Pretzel: *scream* (On the Egg Carrier...) Sally: *looking out at the iceberg* What ARE those Penguins doing? Jerome: *shouting up at the people on the boat* I've seen this skit before! They're using their morphers! Sally: What!? Announcer: GO! GO! PENGUIN RANGERS! (In the theatre...) Half of the Audience: *wild applause* AU Tails: Hey! Why are they cheering for the Penguins when they didn't clap for my scene? (He then notices that at least half of the audience is composed of Penguins.) AU Tails: Ah... *continues wielding his flame thrower* Audience Bob: *in his best Darth Vader voice* I sense... a Penguin... (On the Egg Carrier, which is now tilted at a sixty-degree angle, and is beginning to spin around because somebody let the water out of the huge bathtub that this is all being filmed in...) Celine Dion: Weeee'll staaaay, for-eeeeever this way... Sir Charles: Not me! (In a slow-motion scene, he leaps off of the Titanic- I mean, the Egg Carrier, right as it sinks and explodes all at the same time.) Sir Charles: *lands in the Penguin life raft which, miraculously enough, is not pulled down with the Egg Carrier* Penguin: *waves and makes an avian noise that sounds like "Hello!"* Subtitle: Hello! Another Penguin: Ork ork ork ork ork? *holds out a can of tuna* Subtitle: Would you like some fish? The Penguin Rangers: (high-pitched avian noises that sound vaguely like "Hii-ya!") (Everyone in the theater pauses for a moment.) AU Tails: To remember those who went down with the Titanic? AU Knuckles: No, because we just realized how incredibly STUPID we were to watch this movie. Penguin: *nods vigorously* (They then get back to roasting pretzels.) THE END Someone in the Audience: YAAAAAY!!! thay died! what a grat fic!! Sir Charles: Hey! I'm not dead yet! Jerome: Be quiet! *bangs Sir Charles' head against an oar* Sir Charles: Ow. *falls unconscious* [File: Save] [File: Print] *** Shadow reclined comfortably in the plush easy chair, though he had to avert his eyes from the bright stage lights. Several feet away, some Overlander media personality - he couldn't remember her name - was interviewing him about the movie. "So... can you describe the premise for us, in a nutshell?" Shadow put a hand to his chin, as if going deep in thought. In reality, the whole thing had been scripted well in advance. He smiled brilliantly, that same smile that never failed to win people over. At least, when he wasn't gutting them at the time. That sort of thing tended to dampen their spirits a little. "Well, y'know that movie... can't remember the name... it came out a couple years back? Something about a bizarre alternate universe, where this guy took over Mobotropolis and was turning everyone into robots." He chuckled at the concept before continuing. "Anyway. What we've done is gone back to the past of this story, trying to see what the characters were like before the movie. What they were doing. That sort of thing. And we've added a whole bunch of new plot holes- I mean, elements." "And this time, you didn't have an actor run wild and try to kill everyone, right?" She smiled, and he and the audience laughed. "Of course not! We had to hire an all-new cast, anyway." "Such as?" "Well, I acted in it. Obviously, my scenes were the best." The audience laughed at this as well; he couldn't imagine why. The discussion continued for a few minutes more, and then he went backstage for the commercial break. A beaver approached him, carrying an envelope and wearing a postman's hat, because he absolutely refused to wear the rest of the costume. "Mister..." He checked the address. "Shadow?" The cat nodded. After working on The Menacing Phantom, it did not occur to him to question why someone was delivering a letter to him when he was not at his house. "Here you go." He handed him the letter, and then departed. Shadow read the message out loud, just in case the audience was there to hear him: "Dear Shadow, and I use the word 'dear' very loosely, Just heard about your little project. Also heard that it's based on my movie. Very distressed by the whole matter, seeing as how no one consulted me about it first. Let me make this simple for you; half of the receipts had better be sent my way, or we'll be discussing your copyright violation in court (or worse). Sincerely, Slasher." Shadow blinked. "Oh, dear." TO BE CONTINUED (pray that it isn't)