The Evil Overlord Conference (archived)

The Evil Overlord Conference _________________________________________ by NetRaptor, Shax, Joe, Katana, Isla, MadFalcon, Darth Bowser, Pip the Bat, ChaosJedi, Lady Morgon, and Vector. _________________________________________ This round-robin is based on the Evil Overlord list (http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html) . All the villains from our fanfics, in addition to every other villain we could think of, are copyrighted by their respective authors and companies. _________________________________________ Another dimension. It doesn't look like another dimension. It looks like a room with a long table in the middle, and chairs surrounding it. The lights are bright, the room empty. But not for long. This is the scene of the annual Evil Overlord conference. Suddenly the lights dimmed, and the doors burst open. In walked a spiky lizard-looking dude with a shell and long fangs. He walked with a swagger, and looked around the room before seating himself at the table. He set a sheet of paper on the table and began to read it intently. The lights brightened. Suddenly the lights dimmed again, and the doors burst open. Bowser looked up to see a robot velociraptor stalk in, red eyes glowing. He, too, carried a sheet of paper in one claw. He looked around. "We're early. Is Robotnik here yet?" "No," Bowser replied. "It says here that he's in danger of losing his EO license." "He is," hissed Mecha bot 5. "He has broken nearly all the rules. Number two, for instance." "Everybody knows about his air ducts," said Bowser. "Well," said Mecha bot 5, taking his seat, "we will confront him about it. But the other delegates must arrive first." NetRaptor The room darkened even more as Chaos8 entered the room. His black armor plating drank in light as he walked to his place at the table. The others eyed him suspiciously as he sat near the end of the table. 8 was just a kid in all practicality; why was he invited to the conference? Beneath his helmet 8 smirked. He knew that his ability to survive the Interweb with no memory loss made him a prime candidate for a position on the council... "So, we're here to discuss Robotnik's license, eh? This oughta be fun..." "What do you care? You're just an EO in training." "In training, yes. But one with an interesting ability..." "Yeah? And what would that be?" "None of your business," 8 snarled. They all turned as the doors opened again... CJ A yellow and orange cat/lizard walked silently in to the room, carrying a clipboard. "Greetings." said Nef, taking a seat. She looked around at the others, and noted something down on her clipboard. As an EO in training, it was imperative to observe the behavior of the council. Nef hoped to get her license this year. After all, she'd just disposed of her good twin... Chaos8, Bowser, and Mecha Bot 5 each gave her a suspicious look. Nef gave them a bright and cheery smile in return, intending to strike fear in to their black hearts. Isla A figure appeared in the doorway, as lighting sparked behind him. The silhouette shimmered from a grotesque bird-like shape into something more human. Then, Dhamian strode into the room as if he belonged here. His eyes flared as he saw his rival Bowser. "YOU!" He yelled. The robot velociraptor smiled, and remarked, "This is no time for fights. We must sit down and discuss the matters at hand. Dhamian sat down and calmed down a bit, but his temper rose as Bowser smirked at him. He was about to rise, but three children ran up to him and forced him down into his seat. One was the 5 year old Daniel, the second was the 10 year old Ruth, and the third was the 15 year old Stephen. "No," Daniel said. Dhamian relaxed a bit and remarked, "Did you get the manual yet? Or do you still have that primitive list?" Chaos8 glared at him, and replied, "What manual?" Dhamian smiled deprecatingly, and said, "Oh, this new one that came out. Instead of the two hundred or so rules, it has a thousand of them. I stole it from... oh, what was his name... Draknai. The idiot. He had the manual, but he didn't even follow a single rule. I mean, we were able to get in by hiding in a haystack, crawling through ventilation ducts, and he even left his superweapon unguarded. Apparently, an oracle had told him that no hero would defeat him. Ha! As if I was a hero!" Nef grinned at that remark, and Dhamian unconsciously shrank away from the wall. Works every time, she thought. Dhamian continued, "Well, I can order copies of this book for you. But at a price of course. How much would you be willing to pay?" Nef thought for a moment, and then asked, "Well, give us a sample first." Dhamian thought for a moment, then replied, "Rule # 350 - I shall have two fortresses. One will appear run down and abandoned on the outside, but is actually well made on the inside. The other fortress is an enormous trap intended to capture any foolish heroes trying to conquer it." Bowser laughed. "That manual? I got it a hundred years ago. It was old then, it's practically obsolete now. I gave it to one of my underlings." Dhamian glared at him. "It's not obsolete. See? It's marked... Year 3638. It's 3640 right now." Chaos8 grinned. "Maybe for you..." MF The door once again bursts open and two silhouettes enter, one large and black with a large cape, the other in a hooded cloak. "We finally get to meet with other evil ones such as us." The metallic voice with familiar breathing noise said low and cold. "Yes Lord Vader, let us find a seat." Said an old, yet still evil and dark voice. MDB A blue-green gecko, with a permanent sour look and a sword burst into the room. His outfit was like Echo the Gecko's, only darker. He snarled, and sat down. "He doesn't look like an evil overlord to me..." Bowser said lowly to Mechabot 5. MB8 sniggered, roboticly, of course. In one bound, the blue-green gecko has his sword to Bowser's neck. "I am not an evil overlord, correct, but I am a sidekick to one of the worst EO's ever. I am Sikello Denap, evil brother of Echo, to clear the confusion." He re-sheathed his sword, and another EO came into the room. A golden echidna walks into the room. She cheerfully said, "Hi! Is this the romantic sap conference?" They all glared at her... "Sorry, wrong room..." She walked out, and a dark-red female echidna with orange tips to her incredibly long dreadlocks, entered. Her halter-top and B.S.ish mini skirt got the attention of every male in the room. "Greetings, I am Evil Overlord and Villaness Saurina Isagol" All of the other Evil Overlords broke into laughter. "You? You're a pathetic one, you're in a COMEDY!" Darth Vader was the next to speak, "Perhaps she can prove herself..." Joe The door (which has been made to withstand any amount of blasting open) blasts open again... The Overlords looked up as three figures stepped into the dim light. Two were massively built, carrying heavy weapons, and the third, walking boldly in the lead, was small in comparison.. scrawny.. unclothed.. blue.. "DESTROY HIM!!!!" the robot velociraptor screamed at the top of his lungs in unbelievable fury. "IT'S HIM!! DESTROY HIM!! IT'S SONIC!!" The Overlords jumped to their feet, unsheathing any weapons they might have brought with them.. knives, guns, claws, all aiming defensively at the newcomer. In response, the massive bodyguards pulled their own weapons out and aimed right back. The Sonic figure himself pulled out a small pistol, but had retreated to a little behind the guards. "STOP!! STOP!!" Bowser screamed above the commotion. "STOP YOU FOOLS!! ALL OF YOU!!" The Overlords fell silent, but none dropped their weapons. "He is an invited guest." Bowser explained. "You must be mad!" Somebody screamed. "It's him!!" Somebody else. "Not who you think." Bowser replied. "Drop your weapons. All of you." "Hospitable." the Sonic figure rasped. He turned his head and motioned for the two guards to wait outside. They strafed backward until they were out of sight, and the figure closed the door. "Cinos." he said. "Cinos the Hedgehog. Sorry I'm late, I just flew in from the Anti-verse and boy are my arms tired." He smirked at his own joke. The Overlords had let their weapons fall, but were still on the defensive. "I don't trust blue hedgehogs." the robotic raptor announced. "Not at all." Cinos jumped onto the table in front of the raptor, knocking over an empty wine glass. It hit the floor and cracked. "WELL I'M A LONG WAY FROM TRUSTING MECHANICAL DINOSAURS!!" he yelled in reply. "But it looks like we're STUCK with each other.. for now." He stepped down, and pulled himself a seat. "I derobotized the whole of the Anti-verse, and now I rule it all with an iron fist. Couldn't have done it without the List, though. Why, if I followed that List any closer I would have WRITTEN it." He grinned proudly and leaned back, crossing his legs on the table. Once everybody had taken a seat again, only Vader remained standing. "We must be careful." he said. Breath. "Some of us have the most sophisticated weapons in the universe." Breath. "If one shot had gone off during that incident.." Breath. "The chain reaction might have killed us all." "He's right." Bowser announced. "It looks like we might have to put a little more.. trust.. in each other and think about putting all our weapons down in the corner." Everybody stared at him blankly. Some gripped their weapons protectively. "It's for the best." Bowser continued. "Yes... this conference will not continue until it is done." The Overlords began chattering amongst themselves. "Who died and made Nintendo-features over there leader?" Somebody rasped... Shax A bright light suddenly illuminated the room. All the Evil Overlords, who preferred darkness to light, shuddered. "Who is doing this?" Yelled Sikello. Bowser and Chaos8 glanced warily around the room. All wore looks of surprise and distraught. Except for one. DSDhamian narrowed his eyes and glanced at the door in recognition. "Who's in charge of security here!" He shouted at the rest of the overlords. Shocked, the others muttered to each other. Then, the Raptor spoke. "Ummm... I think Bill Gates was supposed to take care of that." Dhamian gaped, then slapped his forehead. "Are you running on windows? ARE YOU RUNNING ON WINDOWS?" Saurina shrank, then whispered, "I... saw... dead... computers..." Dhamian yelled, "YOU IDIOTS! THAT WINDOWS PROGRAM CRASHED ALL THE SECURITY COMPUTERS!" A mothership appeared in the air, 200 km above the fortress... Bill Gates grinned. "Works every time. Crashed 20 computers. That's another dollar for us. Hmmm... what do we have here? Ooh, watch closely. This'll be fun..." Chaos8 paused, then said, "So this "good" light is caused by the crashing of the computers? Dhamian banged his forehead on the desk. "No! It's my brother, AI Dhamian! He's the only one that has this ability!" The Mechabot asked, "To crash computers?" Dhamian glared at him. "No, to cause this light. And he is getting nearer. I can feel him......." The door flew open, and a digital image entered. It emanated bright light, whitening the whole room. Sikello rushed forward and sliced the image. But there was no effect. AI smiled warmly, and remarked, "I am a holographic image. You cannot hurt me. But I can hurt you." The light intensified, almost blinding the overlords, then dimmed. Nef grinned broadly at AI, who smiled back. "So, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" Nef's grin broadened, but did not say a word. Suddenly, a hum filled the castle. AI didn't notice. "So, Dark Side Dhamian, it seems that this will be our destined fight." Nef smiled, and said, "Not yet. Bye bye!" The hum intensified, and AI began to flicker. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT MAGNETS! YOU.... YOU.... CHEATER!!!! YOU CAn't do this to meeeeeeeeeeeee....." The image sparked out of existence, and the room was suddenly plunged into darkness. The overlords wandered around for a minute, trying to find their bearings. But eventually their pupils adjusted to the light, and they sat down to rest. Chaos8 grinned evilly at Nef. "You are GOOD!" Nef grinned back warmly, and he shrank away. "Of course I am. What did you expect?" MF Seconds later, the door opened yet again. Unlike the room's current occupants, there was very little to distinguish the newcomer from any other pesky human, but his dark sunglasses and diabolic goatee left little doubt that he was evil. The only question was... "Who's THIS?" Chaos8 asked nobody in particular. When no answer from the others was forthcoming, the man spoke. "My name is not beink important. All you are needink to know is that I have fixed your computer problem." "So fast?" wondered the raptor. "It was not beink very difficult. I reformatted your drives and installed Linux," explained the man. "You should be havink no more problems." Mecha bot 5 broke his silence. "What about Bill Gates? That traitor could even make ME crash." "Ah, but he is also runnink Windows. His ship is beink particularly susceptible to a few nasty viruses, da?" The emperor cackled. "Impressive," intoned Darth Vader. breath "You would make a powerful ally..." breath The man shook his head. "Am havink higher ambitions, I am afraid. Root, god, what is difference?" He then turned and walked from the room. Jason M A darkness enters the room, and everyone is struck with fear, except for Saurina. A black figure enters, and it sucks almost all of the light out of the room. "DADDY!" Saurina cried out loud, and she ran to give a hug to that dark figure. "Yes daughter... but remember what I told you about tempting mortal good guys with your clothing?" Sauron said... Saurina bowed her head, and said the following like she had heard it a billion times, "If it succeeds, me being half-maia, the children will be good and quarter-maia, and therefore be able to defeat me because they have my powers and are good." "Yes, and go put on some better clothes, I have some excellent dreary robes for you." The echidna stomped out of the room, and came back in wearing the robes. Sauron sat down, and pulled out a bunch of papers. "These are good, all the rules on being a good evil overlord in one file." Saurina started to sketch something, she walked over to the overhead, and put it on. "This is the PERFECT evil fortress, the air ducts are too small to go through, there's no self-destruct buttons that can be accidentally activated. There's no alcoves. All power systems are redundant, as well as all vital systems. Control panels are redundant, and security is as tight as a drum." "Then what about that small inaccessible spot that could be used to go straight to your redundant superweapons?", the emperor said, "That defeated me once..." "that is a trick, it really is a trap for any good guys, they walk in and...BANG! FWOOSH! They're dead!" Sauron laughed "that's my girl!" Joe A tall human woman in a violet toga wrapped around her, with long black curls touching the floor....her midnight blue eyes burn like stars, and her skin as white as moonlight.... " 'Tis me the first conference I have been to, yea....but 'tis not a sin banqueting with one's own..." *gracefully takes her seat* Katana Once again the doors are opened, and in comes ... "Hiya everyone!" said the robot bat, cheerfully. "Howja all doing?" "What's SHE doing here?" muttered Bowser, his eyes narrowing to slits. "Apart from the fact that she isn't even an evil overlord, she's a complete and utter twit." "Yeah, but I'm the second in command and announcer of one," explained Pip. "So I've got to come otherwise he couldn't be announced." "Not the quiet show-off," muttered Cinos, under his breath, but already the doors were flying off their hinges and a dark figure was silhouetted against the frame. "His High Lord Logicator!" Pip announced. The other evil overlords muttered to each other. They were all contemptuous, [in a not so obvious way, since they didn't want to get on Logicator's bad ... WORSE side.] of Logicator for the fact that instead of a using a five-year-old advisor, he used a ten-year-old one. Still, since he kept avidly to all of the other rules, they let him off that minor slip. "May your Legions of Terror slay in original uniforms, and your unlimited power be no bigger than your head," intoned Logicator, in the standardized greeting for Evil Overlords on formal occasions. The other Overlords noted with satisfaction that Logicator was also dressed in the most brightly colored clothes that you could get to fit a robot dragon, and had changed his normally dull gray color to a neon striped purple and yellow, to add to the effect. He glanced at the nearest chair which moved itself out and sat rather awkwardly in it. Pip yanked a chair out, sat down and looked around at the Overlords, who were still looking rather suspiciously at her. "Any chance of a drink?" she asked, and was immediately facing several [low powered for emergency use] guns. "Are you considering going out of the room and ... LEAVING THE DRINK HERE?" asked Mecha bot 5 in a deadly voice. "Uh, no," said Pip, looking a little worried. "Well, that's *heavy breathing* alright then," said Darth Vader, and the overlords settled back down. Pip Mecha bot 5 stood up and cleared his throat. Nef smiled at him, throwing him a little off. He cleared his throat again and looked around the room. "The reason we are gathered here today," he said as every eye fixed on him, "is to discuss Dr. Ivo Robotnik and his intentionally breaking of the Overlord laws." Murmuring, shifty looks. Cinos raised his hand. Mecha bot 5 nodded, and Cinos said, "If we do that, there will be no weaker kingdom for me to conquer." A snicker rippled around the room. "It is not a matter of conquering," said Logicator softly from his chair. "Robotnik is an Evil Overlord, and by repeatedly breaking the law he is giving the rest of us a bad name." "Yeah," said Bowser. "It'll make our jobs that much harder, because the general public will cease to fear us." "I believe we need to talk to him ourselves," said Mecha bot 5. At that moment the door blasted open, and in walked Dr. Robotnik. The room rumbled with disapproval--he was wearing a movement-hampering cape. "Ah," said Cinos, standing up. "Welcome to the party at last, Doctor." NR may I....see these rules? 'tis hard to persecute when one does not know what for.... Lady Morgon Cinos collapsed from his chair in rough fits of laughter. The overlords stared down at him blankly.. silently.. "Hey fellers! Lady Moron don't know the rules!" Cinos insisted. "Ain't that just the darndest thing, huh? HA HA HAH!" The hedgehog jumped onto the table and waded across to Lady Morgon, knocking various pieces of currently unused cutlery onto the floor. Several times cracking and shattering sounds could be heard. Some of the Overlords grunted in disapproval. Cinos pressed his face almost right up against Morgon's, and she could smell his sour, rotting breath. "Perhaps we should persecute you too, eh hon? Hit you with the book, so to speak.. hit you real hard.." He was grabbed forcibly by the spines on his back. Mecha Bot 5 lifted him like he was nothing, despite his painful squirming, and threw him backwards onto the cold floor. He screamed an expletive. The terrifying robot turned and stared directly at Lady Morgon, red eyes flaring. "We try to be nice to each other here." he droned. "Just for one day. While we sort out business here, then we can backstab each other as much as we like. Anybody don't like that, they can taste my metal. The rules are at http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html. Perhaps you should look them up." The robot turned. Cinos had pulled himself back onto his chair, furious. But he said nothing more. "Now let's get down to business before any more.. unpleasantness.." the robot suggested. Nobody argued. "What's this about?" Robotnik asked, striding across to the long table. He almost tripped on his cape, but composed himself quickly enough, and pulled himself a seat on the very end. "All of my 'advisors' advised me not to come here today.." the doctor continued "But since when have I ever listened to their advice?" There was silence in the room. A lot of eyebrows crept downward. "Am I evil or what?" A cricket chirped. Shax The doors opened once again, and all the heads in the room turned; no one was expecting another Overlord to show up. It wasn't another Overlord. It was ChaosJedi. Ten dozen weapons were suddenly trained on the hero. "What are you doing here?" Chaos8 demanded. "The Heroes' Convention decided that you guys needed a neutral mediator to oversee this meeting." "A mediator?" Mecha bot 5 sneered. "Yeah, a mediator. If you all kill each other, we heroes won't have anyone to fight. All I have to do is break up any fights and lock up all the heavy weaponry." As CJ spoke, the munitions stacked in the corner disappeared and a locked steel door appeared where the weaponry had been. "Now if you folks will excuse me, I'll just head up to the ceiling and stay out of your way. No fights break out, you don't see me until the end of the conference." "And what will you be doing up there?" "Listening to my CD collection, reading a magazine, and keeping an eye on you guys." Silence in reply. "I already know the whole list, if that's what you guys are worried about." "And just how did YOU get a copy of 'the list', hmm?" "None of your business. I'm just happy that most of you folks are getting more intelligent about this. It'll be more of a challenge that way." With that, the teen walked up the wall and settled himself on the ceiling, put on a pair of headphones, and opened a magazine. The Overlords all stared at each other for a good two minutes. "Okay," Cinos ventured, "where were we?" CJ Dhamian glared at CJ, then jumped up and yelled, "You cannot be here! GET OUT!" The others stared at him warily, as if he had gone crazy. CJ kept on listening to his CD player and reading his magazine. Dhamian began to morph, changing into a black shadow. The others eyed it warily. Saurina approached it carefully and tried to touch the ethereal substance. Two glowing red eyes appeared in the dark mist, and she backed off. Then, the cloud solidified into a monstrous black falcon, with metal plates placed here and there. There was a deep red gash on his right wing, revealing bionic implants. The falcon flew into the air, approached the silent hero, and shrieked piercingly into his ear. CJ slowly took off his earphones, and said coolly, "Yes?" Dhamian glared at him and responded, "Rule 351 - Never trust a hero, for he either lies, or will always tell the truth. If he lies, then you cannot trust him. If he tells the truth to you, he will also tell the truth to others, and thus he is a spy and cannot be trusted." CJ thought for a moment and said, "Rule 351? That doesn't exist. Last time I checked, there were only 231 rules or so on the list. You just made that up, didn't you?" Saurina laughed and said, "You only have the list? Then, you probably don't have the manual-" Dhamian suddenly yelled, "Quiet!!! QUIET!!!", cutting her off. But it was too late. "Manual, huh? Well, thanks for telling me. I shall get a copy immediately - after this conference, of course." Dhamian glared at him. "You will leave NOW!" CJ grinned at him, and simply responded, "First of all, you cannot make me. Second of all, I have the council behind me, so if you attack me, your fortress will be destroyed in ten minutes. Third of all..." He looked at the fuming falcon. "Do you really want me to leave?" "OF COURSE! GET OUT!" "If you really want me to. I'm sure AI Dhamian would be a better moderator than I. He'll keep you out of trouble, if nothing else." Dhamian stiffened at this remark, and cooled down a bit. "If a moderator is really necessary, then you are certainly welcome to stay here. But the question I'm asking myself is... Why do we need a moderator to spy on us? I can promise you that we won't get into any fights. At least not ones that will kill one of us." Then, the doors opened, slowly this time. A dark mist filled the room, and in came a tall, dark figure. MF As the mist cleared, all could see the flaming beard and barrel chest of the last delegate to be invited. He wasn't an Overlord in the strictest sense, but he was Evil enough that they overlooked the lack of status. "Ah, LeChuck," the Emperor wheezed, "so glad of you to join us." "I had a bit of trouble gettin' here. Me ship was bein' followed by that Threepwood scum." The ghost pirate looked up and saw ChaosJedi on the ceiling. "ARRGH! What in the name of piracy is HE doin' here?" Chaos8 replied sarcastically, "He's our _Mediator, and we can't do anything about it." CJ looked up (well, it was up for him) and saw the pirate. "Well, nice to see you, LeChuck. Ya know, I'm kinda thirsty for a ROOT BEER right now..." LeChuck took the hint and sat at his place at the table. "So what's on the agenda, mates? CJ The doors opened, and a small creampuffish purple creature with a funky hat and boots hobbled into the room. "Ah, Marx, you have arrived." Saurina said, laughing maniacally. "He doesn't look like much too me.." Sauron said. "Dad... I went to Evil Overlord Academy with this guy! He's the most demented of them all! He majored in metamorphosis. He didn't go on to be an EO, though, he went on to be a endboss in a SNES game, but heck." "Yes," The little purple creampuff said, and in a flash of light he was a giant purple creampuff with wings and vampire's teeth. "See?" Saurina said proudly, "I helped him study for that! I told him all about how you used to shapeshift." Nobody in the room could see Sauron's face, but they could tell he was smiling proudly, "A... ma-- er... thing after my own heart!" "I told him about the time you turned into a snake. 'member, Rule Number 34!" "I was..." Sauron put his fingertips together nervously, "..just a lackey at the time! I was still studying!" "Annnnnd... you hinged too much of your power into the One Ring. Rule #61 could be expanded to fit that... and you should’ve obeyed rule number 49 when you lost it." "Saurina... I don't want you talking about this!" "you should've flooded The Shire with your whole army before Bilbo even THOUGHT about giving the Ring to Frodo..." Sikello grinned, Saurina was better than her dad, but he had to venture a question, "Saurina, but why are you inept in the CCC?" The echidna was now PO'ed, "I have to scrape together some cash so I could actually make a living!" "Oh" "...aaaand, besides, it takes some money to go to the EOA! And perfect shapeshifting." Many gasps filled the room... Saurina Issagol could shapeshift? That was a unpredictable power to use. "And I've been building an evil fortress all this time! MUWHAHAHAHAHA!" Sauron put up his hand, and all the light in the room went out. "Do not indulge in maniacal laughter, it only distracts." Joe --meanwhile, these two are having a conversation-- Lady Morgon frowns slightly in thought at the reading of the rules. "why must there be rules...? any good EO breaks rules....I wonder who wrote these.." she mutters quietly to herself. A mocking voice said : "what happened to the ancient tongue?" Lady Morgon glares beside her and sees a young handsome male echidna wearing some metallic armor. She sniffs, "The author couldn't be bothered. Who are you?" She demands. The youth smirked, "Qetiah, the one and only ruler of the Dark Legion. its only common sense that I should be here." "Ah." Lady Morgon nodded, then added, "I thought Kragok." "My father is dead." Qetiah snorted. Lady Morgon simply mouthed the word 'oh'. Qetiah gave her a glare too, "And who may you be? I've never heard of a 'Lady Morgon'." Lady Morgon smiled graciously, almost vainly, "I am the mobian queen of darkness...." she smirked," a personification and ruler of evil. its good that there are so many evil overlords, the heroes of this world are getting far too high..." Qetiah raised his eyebrow, "Too true. Try re-establishing a base with those mis-guided echidna idiots trying to slay you 'in the name of truth'. pah...hypocrites..." he snorted. Lady Morgon blinked, "I do hope you regard these rules when making your new base..." "Darn right there...and I don't want these guys on my case for my own stupidity." Lady Morgon just nodded. "Speaking of these rules..." Qetiah skimmed through the manual, "these should be the rules of common sense, not just the EO rules...if Robotnik really is this stupid, then I don't know why he stays in business.....guess his opposition must be equally stupid." Lady Morgon smirked, "The Freedom Fighters. Both fools truly." "Gah, them!? The Guardian works with them...I see why Robotnik's still around..." Lady Morgon peered at the rules, "many of this does not apply to me...I have no bases or any real foes as such...." "You probably will." "True..." Qetiah sighed angrily at seeing even MORE EO's walk in, "Geez..." he called aloud, "Hey, how many more are going to come!? Could we get this show on the road!? I'm sure you guys have better things to do, I know I do!" Lady Morgon nodded, "Once again, I agree..." Lady Morgon The new EO took another step and tripped over his metallic pant legs. The other EOs looked disapprovingly and inquiringly at this new person. Finally, Chaos8 spoke. "Who are you?" The figure stood up, and another EO came in. This one was dressed in exactly in the same way as the first. He looked like the first. In reality, he WAS the first one - 1/8th his size. "Come on, Minime! The conference is starting!" Dhamian was still glaring into the eyes of CJ, but when he heard the name 'Minime', he broke off the gaze and descended to greet the new EOs. "Dr. Evil. It is a pleasure to meet you. Would you happen by any chance to have another of your 'Laser's? I would greatly appreciate it if you gave me one." The other EOs murmured. What was Dr. Evil doing here? Sure, he was evil, and an overlord to boot, but he appeared in a comedy! And he broke many of the rules! He wasn't even invited! Dr. Robotnik laughed. "A laser? Is that what you want? I can give you lasers. I've got a ton of them." Dr. Evil looked at the fat eggman, and smiled. "Well, Dhamian, my friend, I don't have any 'lasers' today. Maybe a Death Star would interest you." Darth Vader stood up and activated his lightsaber. "Do you mean... breath to say that... breath you have my Death Star? breath " Dr. Evil looked at Darth Vader and replied, "Wait... The Death Star was a name of my invention. You stole it! You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" Darth Vader backed up at the word lawyers. They were greatly feared, even in his times. Suddenly, a blaring sound was heard. "This is the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." The EOs jumped at this voice, and then laughed, some with tears coming out of their eyes. "The Borg? Hahaha... They're here? Hahahahaha!!!" MF CJ looked up (like I said before, to him down IS up...) and observed the huge crowd that had gathered. Hmmm..., he thought to himself. This crowd's gonna get hungry. I'd better do something about that... "Hey, everybody!" he called down. As one the group went silent and glared up at the ceiling. "Relax, I just want to know what you guys want on your pizza." "Pizza? You must be joking. What makes you think we trust you to order pizza?" "I really doubt Pizza Hut has cyanide on their list of toppings. And besides, good villains are hard to come by. What toppings you guys want? I'm springing for three dozen extra-larges." CJ The villains looked at each other. Pizza. "Some of us do not eat in the usual terms," hissed Mecha bot 5. Darth Vader nodded in agreement, and so did Sauron. "The rest of us do, though," said Bowser. "Extra mushrooms!" "Forget the mushrooms," said Cinos, "let's get some chilidogs in here." The villains shuddered. "How dare you ask for the trademark meal of one of the heroes!" snarled Sauron. Cinos shrugged. "Big deal, so I was hungry. There's nothing in the Rules about what a villain has to eat." Everyone hurriedly paged through their manuals and had to admit that he was right. "Well?" asked CJ from above, a notepad in one hand. "I don't have all night." He was immediately flooded with weird pizza toppings from all sides. "Motor oil." "Anchovies." "Microchips." "Mushrooms." "Moths." "Chicken gizzards." "Premium unleaded fuel." "Sausage." "I draw the line at sausage," said Lady Morgan. "It's too greasy." A frazzled-looking CJ pulled out a cell phone and called Pizza Hut, who happened to have an inter-dimensional delivery service. In a few minutes there came a knock at the door. CJ walked across the ceiling, down the wall and opened the door. The villains bristled. The pizza delivery guy was a hedgehog. Mayhem ensued. Several villains leaped out of their chairs, fingers curled into claws. Still others rolled up sleeves to reveal wrist rockets and pocket lasers they had not relinquished to the Arms Treaty (see rule 27: Villains carry two or more weapons at all times). "Hey! Hey!" yelled CJ, jumping between the villains and the shocked delivery guy. "Cut it out! This isn't anybody you know! He's green!" "I know some green hedgehogs," growled Robotnik. Nevertheless, the villains returned to their seats, looking suspiciously over their shoulders. The delivery guy handed CJ the pizza boxes. "Nutzoid place, man," he said. CJ gave him a large tip, and the delivery guy got out of there. NR Yet another EO comes in... along with Barney, a bunch of Telletubbies, a stereo playing the macarena, etc. Bowser: Who invited you here? Evil Vec: I invited myself, as a true villain would! Despite their annoyance, the EOs couldn't fault this statement. They became even more annoyed when a Borg got too close to the stereo, and all the Borg in the room started dancing the macarena. Actually, all the Borg everywhere were dancing the macarena, becoming far more of a nuisance than in any previous Star Trek episode, but that didn't particularly bother the EOs. Evil Vec: BWAHAHA! I will rule with my various annoying cultural phenomena and rotten taste! Darth Vader: Hey! Evil Vec: I know, I know, it's against the rules, but I like it too much, and I keep alert during my evil laughter. Otherwise, I follow the EO rules amazingly well! In fact, I have arrived to inform you of numerous violations by one of your members, the previous owner of my battle station, the Chicken Egg. Robotnik: *looks behind EVec* That's the Death Egg! Evil Vec: I titled it the Chicken Egg after you sold it for Egg Carrier parts. Robotnik: It has my face on it! Evil Vec: Oh, I fixed that! Robotnik: *looks at the Chicken Egg again* You put wax lips, a fake moustache and goatee, and goofy goggles on my face? How dare you? Evil Vec: I am here to report that this station, before I bought it, was absolutely not up to EO code! The EOs peer at Robotnik. Evil Vec: The air ducts were wide enough to send a football team through, there was one humongous anti-gravity room with doors leading into it for no apparent reason, one big power supply, and an army of humongous mechs with obvious hit spots that noone could possibly hit - unless they were actually trying to! And instead of just building redundant systems and extra power generators, he made a deal with the guardian of a gem located in a hidden palace, then double-crossed him, and the guardian showed Sonic how to get onto the station! Vector The Evil Overlords muttered and gazed darkly at Robotnik. "Ooo, bad move," said Bowser. "Don't you know any better than to double-cross the rivals of heroes?" "Particularly when the double-crossed person has a hot temper and a load of powerful gems to back him up," said the robot raptor, and everyone nodded. Cinos jumped up on the table. "So what are we waiting for? We've seen the evidence! I find Dr. Robotnik GUILTY! GUILTY I SAY!" A well-aimed kick from ChaosJedi on the ceiling sent the blue hedgehog flying back into his seat, but now the other overlords were jumping up and shouting, "Revoke his license! He's made us a laughingstock!" "Not to mention mustaches went out of style twenty years ago," said LeChuck. "Mad scientists are out, demons are in!" Robotnik stood up, sweat running down his face. "Please don't revoke my license," he pled to the crowded room. "I'll clean up my act! I'll hire a five-year old advisor and revamp my air system! I'll put more guards around my superweapon! I'll make my prisons into a sanitary facility! I won't use ..." He choked on the words. "I won't use robots as soldiers." "It's rather too late for that," said Logicator dryly, and Pip the Bat nodded vigorously. The robot dragon snapped his claws, and a roll of paper flew out of Robotnik's pocket and into Logicator's hand. He spread it out on the table, and everyone leaned over to see. It was Robotnik's official EO license. "Stamp, please," said Logicator. Cinos, on the table as usual, walked up and stamped a foot on the paper. "There you go," he said. The mark from his foot spelled, "REVOKED". "You have a 'revoked' sign on the bottom of your shoe?" asked Dhamian. "Revoked is the shoe brand to wear in the Antiverse," said Cinos smugly. "Right up there with Nike." "Now we all ought to sign it," said Chaos8. "I went to law school. I know how these things go." Everyone shrank away from the young man. Not only an EO in training, but a lawyer in training, too! "Anybody got a pen?" Lady Morgan asked. CJ on the ceiling waved a hand without looking up from his magazine. His self-insert-hero powers generated a pen in the hand of everyone in the room, and they lined up to sign the license. Robotnik watched all this with a sullen expression. The signing took longer and longer, as each evil overlord tried to outdo the others with a fancy signature. Some wrote notes in the margins, as if they were signing a yearbook. Pip the Bat got carried away and left her phone number. Cinos wrote the symbols on the Runes of Awakening instead of his name. Mecha-bot 5 took a long time when it came to his turn, and Darth Vader, who was next in line, saw that the raptor had drawn the symbol of the Black Claw. When it came to Sauron, the overlord simply pointed a finger, and a tiny tongue of flame burned the image of the Eye onto the paper. At last it was finished. Logicator handed the license back to Robotnik, who looked at it with trembling hands. Then he threw it down. "No! I refuse to be bound by this stupid license! I was practicing Evil Overlordry long before I got my license, who needs it?" "You mean ... you didn't attend the Evil Overlord Academy?" whispered Metaknight. "No!" snapped Robotnik. "I got my degree from Marginally Evil University." Everyone sucked in their breath in horror. This was far worse than they thought. Mecha-bot 5 stood up, his red eyes glowing fiercely. "In that case," the raptor purred, "you won't be allowed to return to your out-of-date fortress. You will go to EO prison instead." For the last time the battered doors burst open, and in strode two figures. The Overlords drew back at the sight of them, and the same thought occurred to everyone--why had THESE two not been invited? One was a blue robot hedgehog, and the other was a red robot echidna. Between the two of them, they had broken rules and made up new ones--in fact, much of the EO manual had been based on their exploits. Metal Sonic and Robo Knux moved up to stand on either side of Robotnik. Their mechanical eyes glittered in glee. "I've waited so long for this," said Robo Knux. "Cameras, everyone. This is a monumental moment." The red robot snapped handcuffs on Robotnik. "Your prison is secure?" inquired Dhamian. Metal Sonic nodded. "Clean, sanitary, and no way out. Not even for him. Perhaps by the time he gets out, he will have lost enough weight so as not to disgrace us." Everyone nodded. Robotnik's weight had been an Evil Overlord joke for years. Metal Sonic sank his claws into Robotnik's pudgy arm and lifted him from the chair. "Come this way," said the blue robot. "Robo Knux, are you coming?" The red robot was studying the signatures on the revoked license. "Hey Pip!" he said. "Your phone number's on here!" "Oh, yeah," said Pip. "I got carried away, and then I remembered you can't erase pen. Just pretend you can't see it." Robo Knux gave Pip a fond look. "Of course not. Well, I'll be seeing you." He strode after Robotnik and Metal Sonic, carrying the revoked license. "And that's the end of this conference," purred Mecha-bot 5. "Goodbye, everyone. May your superweapons have no weaknesses and your lackeys be loyal to the end." The robot raptor slipped out the door. One by one the villains departed, some pausing to talk by the water cooler, others wresting open the metal locker and retrieving their precious weapons. Cinos's guards returned for him, and he was ushered out in style. Finally the room was empty except for Chaos8 and ChaosJedi. ChaosJedi looked down from his seat on the ceiling. "They're all gone?" "Yes," said Chaos8, "and boy do I have a headache." He blinked his eyes, and ChaosJedi vanished. Chaos8 smiled. His manifestation of the hero had been so real that everyone had been fooled. He opened his manual and noted on the back page, "Rule 1352: If you possess incredible mind powers, make sure nobody knows about them. They will come in handy." The End!