Episode One by Murr-Quan (archived)

A tale of Origins (A short story about Slasher) By K. M. Hollar This story is copyrighted 1999-2002 by K. M. Hollar. Reproduction of any part of this story in any medium is prohibited. This story may be freely distributed online as long as it remains unchanged. Sonic and related characters copyrighted by Sega. Slasher copyrighted by K. M. Hollar. __________________________________________________________________ It was late evening in Knothole. A big raid had been run that afternoon by Sonic and Knuckles. Robotropolis had suffered a major factory meltdown because of it, and the Freedom Fighters were celebrating. Slasher had planned the mission, and was as jubilant as the rest of them. But now, as night drew on and the bonfire sank into a bed of glowing coals, they were settling down, finding places to sit. It was the time stories were told. Serena found Sonic and sat down beside him. He was gazing dreamily into the fire, chin resting in his hands. She poked him. "Whatcha thinkin' about?" "Hmm?" He sat up and looked at her. "Oh, hi. I was just wondering what story we'll get tonight." "Who gets to tell one?" "Oh, anybody who wants to." The hedgehogs sat and watched as the group slowly settled themselves into a ring about the fire. Unexpectedly Knuckles stood up and said, "I vote we have Slasher tell us one tonight." He sat down, grinning, as everyone seconded the motion. Slasher, sitting broadside to the fire, lifted her head. "Aw, you don't want me to tell you one." She was obviously pleased at being asked. "I'm not much of a storyteller." "Oh come on," Sonic said, leaning forward. "You never tell us any stories. I know you must have SOMETHING up your sleeve!" "Yeah!" the others clamored. "C'mon Slash, tell us one!" The big raptor sat back on her haunches, head high. Her green eyes were thoughtful. She gazed around the circle of faces, picking out Sonic, then Tails. Suddenly she said, "How about the first time I met Sonic?" Sonic's eyes lit up. He remembered their first meeting well. "Yeah!" he cheered with the others. After a moment they quieted, watching Slasher. The raptor gazed intently into the glowing embers, as if they contained the tale she was about to tell. Slowly she dropped her wings to the ground, covering her body until she looked like a monstrous eagle in the half-light. She lifted her head and stared off into the darkness. It was for effect; although she had spoken not a word, she had the full attention of everyone present. "To tell of how I met Sonic," she began, "I'll have to tell something of myself." Her voice was quiet, but clear. Every pair of ears within range pricked up. "As you all know," she said, gazing at each in turn, "I am not native to Mobius. I was born on Earth. I was a normal creature, of course--no wings. However, I only spent one year of my life there. There were humans then -- not as numerous as now, but there were some. One of these had established an intergalactic trade route. He had been paid much to capture a young bipedal dinosaur and ship it to another planet. I was the one snared, kidnapped and taken from Earth--never to return." A pin drop would have sounded like a gunshot. The only sounds were the chirping of crickets and the occasional pop from the settling bonfire. Slasher had fallen into her role as a storyteller. She lifted her hands and gestured as she spoke, eyes fixed on the distant trees. "The one who had paid so much was our own Doctor Robotnik." A unanimous gasp went up. "Yes," Slasher said, "believe it or not. I was sold to him as a pup. I was afraid of him and my new surroundings, and refused to obey him. He came up with a way to control me. He called it a brain-box; I call it a form of robotizer. Once he had clamped the box on my head the computer within controlled my thoughts and actions--but only up to a point. My mind was strong enough to shield off some of it, so I wasn't a complete fool. "I was with Robotnik three years. I was his personal pet; I went everywhere with him. I explored the Mobitropolis castle from top to bottom. I knew his old hideout like the back of my hand. I learned never to fear a robot ... " ... and then everything changed. I had reached the age where, naturally, I wished to hunt. Robotnik began my training to hunt and kill ..." She looked at Sonic. " ... a certain blue hedgehog." He stared at her. "Yes, my only reason for being on Mobius was to destroy Sonic. But I had only just begun my training ... when I was kidnapped again. "This time it was an advanced alien race. They carried me back to their planet in their starship. I was to be a slave. I grew up on their planet--Cockytus, it was called. They built my wings and surgically inserted them into my shoulders. I had to work with them. It took me a long time to learn to use them; I am not a bird by nature. But my slavery was with a free mind; they had removed the brain-box. "I could talk of Cockytus for hours, but I must skip to when they allowed me to go home. At first I wanted to go back to Earth, but it had changed too much. The raptor clan had all but vanished; possibly even extinct. My thoughts turned to Mobius, where I had spent three years of my life. "Mobius was in the separate spacetime but then, but time travel was no big deal to the Cockytains. They teleported me safely through. "Although I had been away for many years, only another two years had passed here. I was now fully grown and possessed my wings. I had no desire to return to my old master. Looking back, I could see that many of the things he had done were evil, underhanded. So I became a silent observer, alone on this planet. "I will never forget the day I first set eyes on Sonic Hedgehog." She grinned at him. "I happened across his trail one afternoon, remembered it from my previous training, and tracked him down. I was curious to see the hedgehog who was the reason for my being on Mobius. I came upon him at the river's edge. "He and a fox with two tails were fishing from the bank. I crept close enough to watch and listen without being detected." "I didn't know that," Sonic broke in. "That was the first time you ever saw me?" The big raptor bobbed her head. "Yes, but I did not make myself known to you then. I learned your names--Sonic and Tails. I began to follow you. I don't know why--I was somehow drawn to you. Perhaps I was lonely. Maybe it was the hand of God--I don't know. I learned where you lived in Mobitropolis. I felt I knew you, and yet I had never met you face to face. I was timid. Afraid you would hate me for my former alliance with Robotnik. So I kept my distance. "Ah, but then Robotnik got wind of the seventh chaos emerald's location, and it was a flight to the finish. I hadn't been there for the race for the six chaos emeralds, but I was on hand for this one. This time Sonic took Tails along on his adventuring." "So, you WERE along for the whole thing," Tails commented from across the fire. "How come you waited so long to help us out?" Slasher shrugged. "Like I said, I was uncertain. I didn't want to be rejected. But as I watched you cross paths with Robotnik over and over, I began to wish I could help. As you neared the location of the emerald, Robotnik's attacks grew in violence. He was consumed by the power lust, and no puny hedgehog and fox were going to stop him." "Yeah," Sonic interrupted again. "She didn't even try to help us until we were in such deep trouble there was no way out." "Is this your story or mine?" Slasher asked. "Yours," he said meekly. "Anyway," she went on, staring into the fire, "they made a bad choice and played right into his hands; they entered his factory chain on the coast. Needless to say, I followed them in. I can't really describe it, except to say that it dwarfed Robotropolis and everything in it. Robots, hostile and otherwise, were everywhere. I was able to keep from being spotted, but Sonic and Tails were attacked several times." "Get to the good part!" Tails exclaimed, bouncing up and down impatiently. Slasher lifted a hand. "Don't be in such a hurry. I'm getting to it." She paused and gazed across at Sonic. "How did you two get caught? I don't seem to remember." "The robots jumped us," Sonic replied promptly. "The pre-SWAT- bots. They were really fast." "Yes. Anyhow, you two got nabbed and before I knew it, Robotnik had devised a pleasantly painful demise for you." Sonic and Tails shivered deliciously at the memory as Slasher described it. "They were chained hand and foot to a huge steel pole, which would be dipped in molten metal. They would be dead before they had been halfway submerged, but oh-so-painfully. "So there they were, lassoed to this metal post and hanging above a vat of bubbling grey lead. Neither could move more than a few inches. Robotnik came out on the walkway to gloat at them. I'll probably never forget what he said: 'Mobius is in my hands now, Sonic Hedgehog. As soon as you are dead, I'll depart and board the Death Egg. I'll take with me the seventh chaos emerald. You have failed.' Terrible last words, huh? I seem to recall Tails was crying." "I was not!" Tails shot back. He looked down. "Well, maybe a little." Slasher's lips lifted a little as she recalled the hostility of the moment. "That was the last time I ever looked upon Robotnik with friendliness. From that day to this I have loathed him. "I found a heavy steel cable coiled up on the walkway." Her hands curled as if she could still feel the weight. "I took it, climbed up into the machinery and wound it through the gears. Then I jumped down, grabbed a welder's torch and melted their chains off. As I did, the machinery came on, lowered the pole a few inches, hit the cable and stalled. "There was fear in Sonic's eyes as I helped Tails and him to safety. Nothing I could say would quell it. He would have run had I not been carrying Tails. Tails was so scared he couldn't make a sound-- which was good, I guess. I sneaked them out of the factory. As soon as we were out they took off running from me. It hurt my feelings, but I followed at a distance anyway. "They went straight to a big runway alongside the factories. A bunch of planes and aircraft were parked there. Without hesitating, they went straight to a red bi-plane, stole it and taxied it out into the open. But from there they had no idea how to get it into the air. I jumped up on the wing for a look. I had worked with Cockytain machines before; the bi-plane was very simple by comparison. This time Sonic built up the nerve to pay attention to what I was showing him." Sonic smiled ruefully. "They finally took off. Neither really knew what they were doing, so I flew alongside and gave 'em directions. I accompanied them as they followed Robotnik's Wing Fortress. We got a little acquainted as they looked for a place to land on it. Sonic managed to jump to a boarding platform, but the plane got shot down before Tails could land. I jumped into the pilot's seat and flew the damaged craft until we could land. He found some tools in the cargo compartment, along with a strange sort of jet. We talked as I made repairs and he examined the jet. By the time everything was fixed and the jet had been installed under the landing gear, we were friends. "I test-drove the plane to try out the jet; come to find out it was so powerful it would rip the plane apart on full throttle. I warned Tails, then we jumped in and headed off to catch Wing Fortress. "I think the rest is old news," Slasher concluded. "You all know we caught up with Wing Fortress, picked up Sonic and helped him catch a ride on Robotnik's cruiser. He hung on to it until it docked on the Death Egg, which is how he made it there." "And I crashed it," Sonic said, "which is kinda how we met you, Knux." Knuckles nodded. He had stared into the fire the whole time, and was listening so hard he could almost see the events in the coals. It took a while for him to come back to reality. The spell of it was upon them all. The group sat in silence a few more minutes, none wanting to break it. Crickets chirped incessantly. A katydid clicked. Slasher broke the quiet by tossing a log on the fire. "Who wants to tell the next story?" Knux lifted his head and gazed at her. "You've pretty much fit the bill, Slash. I vote we go to bed." The others thought this was a good idea and left one by one. At last only the winged velociraptor and the blue hedgehog were left. "Slash?" "Hmm?" "I'm glad." "Glad for what?" "That you're here." She smiled. "So am I, Sonic. So am I." The End

The Menacing Phantom (archived)

RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN, it's... SONIC WARS EPISODE ONE: THE MENACING PHANTOM By Murr-Quan Lord #2 (Insert cool opening narrative - in which it says that the evil Robotnik is blockading Knothole, ignoring all chronological continuity - and music later. For now, let's just get on with things!) *Please note: Jerome is cast as Obi-Wan because I thought it made sense seeing as how he and Sir Charles got along well in the book this spoof is partially based on. And, lest anyone get any false ideas, he is several years older than I. :-) Personally I'm worrying that he's featured a little too much... --- (A Learjet flies over the Great Forest, approaching the Egg Carrier. It would be very difficult for the contrast in sizes to be greater. A couple of avian Mobians sit in the cockpit...) Co-pilot: (looking out of the window) What a pleasant little vehicle. What do you suppose those huge face-logos on the side mean? Pilot: Who cares. (picks up the microphone) Breaker, breaker, this is X-Two-One "Flyboy", requesting clearance from tower... Speakers: Huh? Pilot: Oh, just let us land already! (Cue a nifty CGI sequence of the Learjet landing on the carrier's runway. Well, actually we just mixed footage from Sonic Adventure and Flight Simulator 2000, but the effect's still pretty cool don't you think? Two hooded figures - one comically shorter than the other - step out of the aircraft and are promptly greeted by a silvery, humanoid robot.) Robot: Hi, I'm C-3P0's evil twin! Come this way, please. (The two guys wearing the hoods exchange what are probably confused looks, and then follow the robot to a conference room deep within the Egg Carrier.) Robot: Make yourselves at home! I'm going to run off and look inconspicuous. (It does so, and shortly thereafter the figures remove their hoods to reveal Sir Charles and Jerome Stevenson - a fairly young, adult human. At this, some guy in the audience stands up and starts yelling.) Audience Bob: Hey! (points at Jerome) What's he doing here? Jerome: The other Jedi actor was home with a nasty cold, so they had one of us extras play him. Audience Bob: A human playing a Mobian!? (the other members of the audience shush him, and he sits back down.) Sir Charles: (trying to remember his lines) Um... always be mindful of your feelings, my young Padawan. Jerome: (looking very confused) What's a Padawan? Sir Charles: I don't know. It's in the script. Sounds like a river in North America, or something. Jerome: I'm a river in North America? Sir Charles: Who cares? Just... uh... be mindful of your feelings. Or something like that. Jerome: Okay. I'm feeling kinda hungry right now, come to think of it. Sir Charles: You're not supposed to take it that literally! (Jerome shrugs, and starts playing with his handheld computer.) Jerome: (still looking at the screen) How long are we supposed to be on this ridiculous ship, anyway? Sir Charles: This Robotnik fellow is a complete idiot. The negotiations will be short. (Cut to the cockpit of the Egg Carrier. Robotnik is sitting in that massive steam-powered railchair of his, and C-3P0's twin is standing next to him. A transmission comes in on the holoprojector...) Hologram-of-a-hooded-figure-that-everyone-can-tell-is-actually-Shadow: It's about time that Knothole was leveled. Begin landing your troops. Robotnik: (standing up and yelling at the hologram) Who are YOU to tell ME what to do!? Shadow: I'm the mysterious evil bad guy who never lets anyone see his face. Robotnik: Oh, okay. (to C-3P0's twin) Deploy the SWATbots! Robot: (saluting) Ja wohl, mein Kommandant! (The robot goes over to a side panel and presses a few buttons.) Robotnik: (to Shadow) And, you might want to know... the King sent a coupla Jedis here for some reason. Shadow: *groan* Just what we need, another complication. Whatever you do, just make sure that they're delivered to me here in Mobotropolis. Alive. (The hologram fades out.) Robot: We gonna do that? Robotnik: Nah. Let's kill 'em! And nuke that airplane, too. (Another CGI sequence! The Egg Carrier tips a little ways like in that Sky Deck level, and the Learjet rolls right off the edge. Ouch! Back in the conference room, Jerome and Sir Charles are leaning awkwardly against the wall, seeing as how the floor is tilted at a 30-degree angle.) Sir Charles: I have a bad feeling about this... Jerome: It's called "nausea". Sir Charles: No, I mean... there's just something WRONG about this. Jerome: Wow. You figured this out through some kind of Jedi sixth-sense? Sir Charles: That, and seeing our airplane fall off of the runway. (points out the window) (The Egg Carrier then tilts to a more level position.) Jerome: (holding his hand up) Wait a minute... a bunch of poison gas is about to be vented into this room. (On cue, billowing white vapor pours out of the air ducts.) Sir Charles: We've got to get out of here! Jerome: Well, you'd better watch out 'cause there's going to be a whole mess of battle droids out in the hallway. Sir Charles: (looking at him in astonishment) How do you know all this? Jerome: I saw the movie. (Sir Charles shrugs, and then tries to get the door open. It's locked, so he uses a really high-tech Jedi gadget called a "Credit Card" to get it open. Sure enough, there are a half-dozen SWATbots in the hallway.) SWATbot: (in their trademark scratchy metallic voice) Surrender, hedgehog! (Sir Charles draws a lightsaber and proceeds to dissect the special effects, I mean robots, with a Star Wars soundtrack playing all the way. Jerome, meanwhile, stands back at the door and metaphorically fiddles with his computer. Someone in the audience stands up again...) Audience Bob: Hey! Jerome: (not looking up) Hmm? Sir Charles' lightsaber: ZZZWHRRR Audience Bob: Aren't you supposed to help? Robots: (sounds of metal getting torn apart by coherent photons) Jerome: (shakes head) Uh-uh. Audience Bob: Then what ARE you going to do? Sir Charles' lightsaber: WHRRRRHMM Jerome: Stand back here and play Asteroids on my Palm Pilot. Audience Bob: What!? SWATbot: Somebody call for reinforcements! Jerome: (to the guy in the audience) I don't have the foggiest idea how to use a lightsaber! Audience Bob: But you're a self-insert! You're supposed to have all sorts of special abilities! (Reinforcements are summoned, and more robots pour in, only to be promptly shredded.) Sir Charles' lightsaber: FWOOOSH Jerome: Not me. I think my greatest ability is supposed to be an Associate's degree in Computer Science. Robots: (sound of metal smashing against the wall) Audience Bob: But can't you do /something/? Jerome: Oh, alright. (raises hands in the air) I SUMMON THE AMAZING POWERS OF SELF-INSERT-NESS!!! (All pause and stare at him.) Jerome: Darn, didn't work. (Jerome goes back to playing Asteroids, Sir Charles and the robots resume combat and everyone else in the audience makes Bob sit back down. Pretty soon the robots are in ten thousand individual pieces.) Jerome: Now what? Sir Charles: (sounding remarkably like his nephew) We find the control center, and nail that Eggman! Jerome: Isn't that through the Sky Deck? Sir Charles: Wrong game. ---- [We now return to Sonic Wars, already in progress. When we last saw them, Jerome and Sir Charles were making their way to the bridge...] (The two march around the ship for a few minutes. Thanks to Sir Charles' Jedi powers and a bunch of conveniently placed public-access information terminals that hover in midair for no apparent reason, they quickly locate the door to the bridge - in a hallway, unlike its Sonic Adventure counterpart. Unfortunately...) Sir Charles: It's locked! Jerome: Use the credit card again. Sir Charles: (examining the lock) Hmm... this one's gonna be a toughie. Here, take the lightsaber and cover me while I get this door open. Jerome: But I don't- (catches the fortunately deactivated lightsaber as it is tossed to him) Never mind... (A couple of minutes pass. Sir Charles goes through two credit cards and a library card, and was about to use Jerome's holofoil "USS Enterprise" before being provided with his driver's license instead.) Jerome: I don't like that picture anyway. My hair's a mess. (Meanwhile, on the bridge...) Robotnik: That Jedi's really getting annoying. Deploy the bicycle droid. Robot: Okie dokie! (presses a couple of buttons) (The droid is deployed, and quickly moves from its hangar to the Jedi's location. Unfortunately...) Bicycle droid: Whoops! (The robot crashes into the wall, sending mechanical debris flying everywhere. Both of the bicycle's tires roll off in the direction of Jerome and Sir Charles.) Jerome: (looking at the tires) I knew they'd write destroyer droids into this skit somewhere! (He throws the lightsaber down and runs away, seconds before the tires harmlessly bounce off of the wall next to the resident Jedi.) Sir Charles: JEROME!! Get back here! (The frustrated hedgehog grabs the lightsaber and runs off after his human companion. Unfortunately, Sir Charles does not have his nephew's supersonic speed, and humans can run much faster than the average Mobian. Fortunately, techies are not exactly known for their endurance, and he catches up to Jerome somewhere in the vicinity of the Egg Carrier's runway.) Sir Charles: What in the world do you think you're doing!? Jerome: (trying to catch his breath) Sorry... (pant pant) but I think (pant) that we have a bigger problem (pant) at this point. Sir Charles: Huh? Jerome: (points to a bunch of troop transports taking off of the runway) Sir Charles: Oh dear... (Meanwhile, on the bridge, Robotnik is speaking with a hologram of the fourteen-year-old ruler of Knothole, Princess Sally. Why she isn't referred to as Princess Acorn, that being her last name, we may never know.) Sally: (in Queen Amidala's incomprehensibly weird accent) Robotnik. What do you think you're doing with all those landing craft up there? Robotnik: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I just had all these cool robots laying around and decided to take them over here for a visit! (evil smile) Sally: Do I look like a moron? Robotnik: Oh, I'm so sorry, your transmission is breaking up. Please repeat. (aside, to the robot) Turn on the com jammer! Robot: Okie dokie! (We now cut to the interior of Sally's hut - just a wee bit less impressive than the Italian palace where those scenes in Episode One were filmed. Several other Mobians are gathered around Nicole's holoprojector.) Sally: (still in the weird accent) Nicole, this is getting us nowhere. Call Senator Shadow and see what he has to say about this. Nicole: (in her usual monotone - thank goodness) I'm sorry, Sally. I can't do that. Sally: And why not?? Nicole: All communications are being jammed. Rotor: Oh no. Communications are out? This can only mean one thing... (Everyone waits for an explanation.) Rotor: WE'RE IN A SPOOF OF EPISODE ONE!! Antoine: (in his really bad French accent) Oh non! Not zat! (Antoine hides under the bed, everyone else tries to pry him out, and the scene changes back to the Egg Carrier's runway, where Jerome and Sir Charles are hiding behind a couple of crates.) Sir Charles: (peeking out) This is just great. There's got to be at least a thousand SWATbots in those transports. We have to get down to Knothole and warn 'em! Jerome: Ooh! Ooh! I know! Let's sneak into one of those transports and hope that nobody notices us! Sir Charles: (giving him an incredulous look) Brilliant idea, Holmes. Jerome: (folds his arms) Well, that's how they did it on the movie. Besides... you got any better ideas? Sir Charles: Okay, then... (They walk out onto the runway, and miraculously make it into one of the landing craft. However, just after it takes off, one of the SWATbots questions them.) SWATbot: Hold it! What are you doing here? Jerome: Uh... (waves his hand in the air) This isn't the hedgehog you're looking for. SWATbot: Huh? Sir Charles: (activates his lightsaber) Jerome: Never mind... (And so, for the next twenty minutes or so Sir Charles occupies himself in wrecking every 'bot on the landing craft while Jerome plays Asteroids.) Soundtrack: ("Heroic" track from the Sonic the Hedgehog Saturday morning cartoon show) Audience Bob: Hey! Aren't they supposed to be playing Star Wars music? The Rest of the Audience: (shushes Bob) (Eventually the landing craft lands, which is pretty amazing when you consider that Sir Charles already diced the pilot droid up. The Jedi and the neurotic human step out and look around at the really tall trees.) Sir Charles: Wow. Jerome: So this is the Great Forest. Sir Charles: Cool place. Jerome: It's only a special effect. Sir Charles: (kicks Jerome) Jerome: (checking his Palm Pilot's travel guide) Let's see... The Great Forest. Population nine billion: All fuzzy little animals. Sir Charles: Scary thought. (Jerome gives Sir Charles a very odd look, and continues.) Jerome: Oh, wait a minute... it says that this place is also inhabited by a bunch of weird lizard-people called "Gungans". Sir Charles: Gungans? You mean like... (Sure enough, everybody's favorite accident-prone lizard steps out from behind a tree.) Gungan: Hello! Mesa am Jar Jar Binks! Sir Charles: Back away slowly, Jerome... no sudden moves... Jerome: (does so) Sir Charles: (doing so as well) And whatever you do, don't show any fear. Jar Jar: Ex-squeeze me? What are you peoples doing here? Jerome: (putting his hands in the air) I SURRENDER!! Sir Charles: (groans and shakes his head) Jar Jar: Yousa really strange people. (points behind them) And what is da mackineeks doin' here? Jerome: Huh? Sir Charles: Duck and cover!! (The camera pans over to show a couple of CGI hover units approaching them. Fortunately they decide to shoot at Sir Charles first, who deflects the plasma bolts back at them with his lightsaber. They explode, in a scene that took several MINUTES for our Silicon Graphics workstations to render.) Jar Jar: Woah! Yousa guys got bombad special effects! Sir Charles: (rolls eyes) Where do you live? Jerome: (to Sir Charles) What on Mobius has possessed you to ask such a question?? Sir Charles: Surely the Gungans aren't all as inept as he is. We can't just let them get robotized. Jar Jar: Um... mesa banished. Can't return to Gunga City. They'll do TERRIBLE things to me if mesa returning! Sir Charles: Oh, will they now. You hear that? Jar Jar: (lifts one ear-flap) Nope. Sir Charles: (muttering) Stupid silent hovercraft... (motions frantically to Jerome's computer outside of Jar Jar's field of vision) Now do you hear it? Jerome: (presses a few buttons on his Palm Pilot, which starts making machine-gun sound effects) Jar Jar: Yup. Sir Charles: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way. Leonard Nimoy (Special guest star!): One thousand twenty-three point four, to be precise. Jerome: When they find us, they will... uh... well, I don't know, but I'm sure that it'll be really unpleasant. Sir Charles: Do you want them to find your city? Jar Jar: Hmm... (places one hand to his chin as he goes as far deep in thought as he is capable) Sir Charles: (quickly) No! No, you do not. (Getting a sudden idea, the hedgehog waves his hand in the air.) Sir Charles: What you do want is to convey us to your city. With maximum expedience. Jar Jar: Huh? Jerome: Try smaller words. (to Jar Jar) Take us to your city. Right now! Jar Jar: Okie dae! (The Gungan leads them to a lake.) Sir Charles: THAT'S your city? Jar Jar: (shakes head) Nope. Gunga City bein' under de water. Watch this! (He does his hyperactive screaming frenzy dive into the lake.) Jerome: (staring at the water) I can't swim. Can you? Sir Charles: Nope. Jerome: Now what? Sir Charles: I suppose we move on to Knothole. Jerome: (to self) YES! We ditched the Gungan! *ahem* But where's Knothole? (Sir Charles points across the lake, where a series of huts are visible on the opposite shore.) Jerome: Well, isn't that just convenient? (smiles) (They start walking towards Knothole, arriving maybe ten or twenty minutes later. Cut to the village itself. The 1023.4 SWATbots have effectively run their opposition over, and a few of them are now escorting Sally, Antoine, and several vulpine members of the Royal Guard to... um...) SWATbot Commander: Take them to Camp Four to await robotization. (Right. Camp Four. Anyhow, the princess is none too happy about this turn of events.) Sally: You'll never get away with this. SWATbot: (Nothing. SWATbots are lousy conversationalists.) Antoine: *whimper* (The 'bots drag them to the outskirts of the village, underneath several overhanging tree branches. Jerome and Sir Charles crouch on top of one of these branches...) Sir Charles: (whispering) Okay, here's the plan. When they walk by we drop down from our hiding place and whack them senseless. Jerome: The SWATbots or the Mobians? (Sir Charles gives him a disgusted look, and then watches the 'bots approach.) Sir Charles: Okay, get ready... three... two... Jerome: Wait a second. I need to blow my nose. Sir Charles: JEROME!! (The SWATbots all look up.) Jerome: Darn it. (Sir Charles quickly leaps down and activates his lightsaber. Electronic debris flies everywhere as 'bots are ripped apart. Jerome calmly climbs down the tree to join him, and the princess asks them a question.) Sally: Who are you weirdoes? Jerome: We're actors. Sir Charles: (waving in Jerome's direction to shush him) We're Jedi, sent by the King to investigate Robotnik's activities. Jerome: And we did. Can we go back to Mobotropolis now? Sally: An excellent idea. The Senate must hear of this! Sir Charles: But we're supposed to be a monarchy. Sally: (grabbing Sir Charles and shaking him by the collar) This is no time to argue about politics! My loyal citizens are being turned into mindless robots! Sir Charles: Okay, already! (pushes her away and looks around) But how do we get back to Mobotropolis? Robotnik smashed our Learjet. Sally: I have an... alternate means of transportation. (Cue a convenient scene change, skipping several minutes of really boring footage in which they sneak across Knothole. They end up in a hangar at the top of a cliff, inside which hangar is a large aircraft of highly unique configuration.) Jerome: (dumbfounded) It's a chrome hang glider. Sir Charles: (to Sally) You have got to be kidding. Sally: Of course not! The royal hang glider has been in the family for centuries! Sir Charles: But that's crazy! Where are we going to put everybody? Especially Jerome! Jerome: Not to mention our visitor. (Everyone looks in the direction of a huge tear in the space-time continuum, out of which comes Jar Jar Binks.) Jar Jar: Mesa back! Antoine: Oh non, eet iz zat Gungan again! *hides behind the other guardsmen* Sir Charles: (sputtering) What... how... (points at the anomaly) What is that thing? Sally: I think it's called a plot hole. Sir Charles: This is just great. Now where do we put everybody? Jerome: Well, I'll just take this plot hole to Space-Time Six. All points are tangent there, so I'll come out later wherever you guys end up. Sally: And how, pray tell, do you expect to be able to come back again? Jerome: I'll just stay by the entrance and wait for you to contact me. Here, you can dial my pager on this cellphone. Sir Charles: (bewildered look) Jerome: Just dial 1-888-555-2345 and then press '1' to leave a numerical message. Sir Charles: (hopelessly lost, that-is-the-most-ridiculous-thing-I- have-ever-heard look) Jerome: Remember... press the 'star' key once if you're in trouble, three times if you're in a lot of trouble, and five times if you're in so much trouble that I'd have to be out of my mind to come anywhere near. Audience Bob: You're ALL out of your minds, or you wouldn't be in this STUPID MOVIE!! Sally: (shushes Bob) Sir Charles: But what about him? (indicates Jar Jar) Do we have to bring him along? Sally: Yes. Better that than letting him get robotized. Sir Charles: Why's that? Sally: His quasi-pseudo-Jamaican accent is bad enough as it is. Do you really want to hear it with mechanical overtones? Sir Charles: *shudders* But how do we take him with us? Jerome: Hey! Gungan! You know those massive ear-flaps of yours? Jar Jar: Uh-huh. Jerome: (stepping into the anomaly) Spin 'em around in the air. You should be able to fly just like Snoopy. (He does. In complete defiance of several important laws of physics, it works. But then, what do you expect from a suggestion made in such close proximity to a plot hole? At any rate, he and the hang glider take off, the latter piloted by one of the guardsmen and somewhat burdened by having a bunch of Mobians strapped to it. Unfortunately, that is hardly the limit of their difficulties.) Pilot: Incoming enemy fighters! Antoine: *passes out* (Yet another cool CGI sequence, in which footage of the hang glider is superimposed on top of a video of the Sky Chase minigame from Sonic Adventure. Quite a bit of firepower is being thrown around - none of it emanating from the glider - and several thousand armor-piercing rounds puncture a chrome wing.) Pilot: We're losing altitude... get the astromech droid out there! Sir Charles: The WHAT!? (On cue, R2-D2 pops out of a little hatch in the wing.) Sir Charles: *passes out* R2-D2: (mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: What's wrong with him? (Artoo rolls across the wing, upside down, towards the damage. As he gets nearer the end of the wing, the hang glider becomes unbalanced.) Hang glider: (tilts until it's vertically oriented, and drops like a rock) Pilot: Now we're REALLY losing altitude! Sally: (frantic) Artoo, we need more power... R2-D2: (mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: I'm giving it all I've got! (Fortunately the droid works really, really quickly, and the wing is soon repaired. Artoo rolls back into the hatch, and the glider stabilizes.) Sally: That takes care of that problem, but we're still being shot at! Pilot: (to Sally) You know that red button I told you not to push? Sally: (bewildered look) No. Pilot: Well, FIND IT and PUSH IT ANYWAY!! (She does. A cool CGI sequence ensues in which the glider sprouts rocket engines.) Soundtrack: (Appropriate music from the Men in Black movie) Pilot: Woohoo! (The pilot hits the afterburners, and the glider speeds off into the distance.) Jar Jar: Wait for meeeee... -- [Act 2] (What's this? The cameras are currently focused on a bluescreen platform off to the side, and nobody's acting! Instead, the director - who looks remarkably like Jerome - is speaking with a Mobian falcon.) Director: Remember, Tachyon... when you're playing Darth Maul you can't talk. Ever. Tachyon: Are you sure? Director: Positive. Tachyon: But Darth Maul had at least /one/ line in Episode One... Director: Oh, alright. You can say "at last we shall have our revenge". But only once. Tachyon: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks. Director: And you always have to look menacing. Tachyon: Okay. I have plenty of experience with that. (Filming quickly starts back up. Shadow gets in front of the bluescreen, and thanks to the miracles of special effects he then appears as a hologram on Robotnik's desktop.) Robotnik: That idiot hedgehog ran off, and we can't find him! Shadow: (still wearing that hood) Don't worry. He'll be found. Robotnik: How? It's impossible! Shadow: Not for a Sith. Robotnik: (looking very confused) What's a Sith? Shadow: Who cares? Now, as I was saying... (Tachyon steps forward and becomes visible on the hologram. He looks about as menacing as one can get without wearing Dennis Rod-I mean, Darth Maul's face paint.) Tachyon: Grr. Shadow: This is my apprentice, Darth Tachyon. He will find your hedgehog. Tachyon . o O (I will?) Shadow: Or I will personally make him into a feather pillow. Tachyon: *gulps* Shadow: Thank you, and have a nice day. (The hologram disappears.) Robotnik: (turns to face the robot) This is ridiculous. Do they really expect us to take them seriously? I mean, come on... there are only two of 'em! (Cut to Mobotropolis, where two not-so-mysterious figures converse on a rooftop somewhere.) Shadow: What are you waiting for?? Tachyon: (crosses his wings, pointing left and right simultaneously) Shadow: Where? Tachyon: *nods* Shadow: The script says they're supposed to be in the Great Desert. Now get going! Tachyon: (raises his wings in the air and puts on a helpless facial expression) Shadow: How? Tachyon: *nods* Shadow: You're a bird, right? You can fly, right? What's the problem here?? (Tachyon runs off-stage and comes back with a globe. He points to various places on it; first Mobotropolis, then the Great Desert.) Shadow: So? Tachyon: (carves the phrase "4,000 miles" into the globe's surface) Shadow: Yeah. So? Tachyon: *sighs and takes off* (Cut to the Great Desert. As befits a desert it is /really hot/, and sand is everywhere except for what looks like a city in the distance. Everyone - minus Jerome, who is still in Space-Time Six - is standing around the chrome hang glider, where Artoo and the pilot are just finishing tinkering with it.) Pilot: It's no good. We can't get this thing back in the air without more fuel for the rocket engines. Sir Charles: It's a hang /glider/! Can't you just run it off a cliff and /glide/? Pilot: (gesturing at their surroundings) You see a cliff anywhere? Sir Charles: Hmm. Good point. Looks like there's a city, though. Sally: Excellent! (hands him a fuel can) Go get us some liquid oxygen for the engines. Sir Charles: (gives her an incredulous look) Sally: Unleaded, if you please. Sir Charles: *rolls eyes* Anyone else want to come with me? Pilot: Artoo, you'd better go with him and make sure he doesn't end up buying diesel or something. R2-D2: (mechanical noises) Subtitle: Sure thing! Sally: I'll go too. Sir Charles: Why? It could be dangerous there! Sally: I'm a princess. I don't need a reason. Jar Jar: Mesa comin'! Sir Charles: Noooo. Uh-uh. No way. Antoine: (to Sir Charles) Non! You must bring ze Gungan - you cannot just leaving him with moi! Sir Charles: Why not? You're both annoying side characters. You both have atrocious accents. You should get along just fine! Antoine: *glares at him* Sir Charles: Oh, alright... Jar Jar: Woohoo! (Several minutes of walking later they get to the city. Fortunately, it's a lot closer than it looked. They enter the first gas station they find; a young hedgehog is seated behind the counter.) Sonic: May I help you? Sir Charles: (peering closely at him) Do I know you? Sonic: Nope. Sir Charles: Uh... *holds up fuel can* We need some rocket fuel. Artoo: (mechanical beeping noise) Subtitle: And not diesel! Sonic: Hold on, you'll have to speak with the manager about that. (yells something unintelligible off to the back room) Subtitle: Watto, we got company! Watto: (floats into the room and says something in a fictional language) Subtitle: Oh, joy. What do the outlanders want? (They converse briefly in their language, and Sir Charles turns to Sally.) Sir Charles: Do you understand them at all? Sally: Perfectly. Sir Charles: (astonished look) How so? Sally: I'm reading the subtitles. (Watto finally finishes speaking with Sonic.) Watto: Maybe you find what you need out in the junkyard, huh? Sir Charles: Just great, another ridiculous accent... (They go out back to the junkyard, and within ten seconds Artoo rolls over to what looks like a crashed Space Shuttle and starts beeping wildly.) Subtitle: Paydirt! We got us some LOX here! Sir Charles: (reading the subtitle) How much for this... whatever it is? Watto: Five billion truguts. Sir Charles: WHAT!? Artoo: (mechanical beeping noise) Subtitle: That's only ten thousand Mobiads. Watto: Oh yeah? Well, we don't accept Mobiads here! And good luck finding a currency exchange, heh heh heh. Sir Charles: *waves his hand in the air* Yes, you do accept Mobiads. Watto: (in a trancelike voice) Yes, I do. Artoo: (mechanical beeping noise) Subtitle: Last I checked, we're flat broke. Sir Charles: *waves hand again* Never mind. Watto: (still in a trance) Okay. (Meanwhile, back in the gas station...) Sonic: (to Sally) Are you a tourist? Sally: Huh? Sonic: You must be. I haven't seen you around before. Sally: Oh, really? And how do you know I don't just live on the other side of town? Sonic: *incredulous look* This isn't exactly the biggest city, lady! Pretty much the only people who live here are... (A little robot walks by, and shortly thereafter the camera pans over to one of the convenience store's aisles where two dozen such droids have tied Jar Jar up and are currently partying. Yes, the two factors are related.) Sonic: ...pit droids. Sally: (points at a pit droid) An entire city populated by those things?? Sonic: No! Someone turned on all the pit droids! (He runs over to that aisle.) Sonic: Just great. How do I fold these things back up? The Entire Audience: HIT THE NOSE!! Sonic: Oh, okay. (Watto, Artoo and Sir Charles re-enter.) Sir Charles: Your Highness, we have a bit of a problem. Sally: How so? Sir Charles: We're broke. Sally: *rolls eyes* Wonderful. How can we get enough cash to buy rocket fuel? (Just then, a conveniently-timed TV broadcast comes on - yes, there's a TV above the counter - that will no doubt answer all of their questions! It seems to be the set of a talk show of some sort; after a quick change of costume a suitcoated Jerome is playing the host and sitting in a plush, leather chair.) Audience Bob: Hey! He's supposed to be in Space-Time Six! Jerome: This is a really, really low budget film, okay!? (coughs and tries to get back in character) We're here on Good Morning, Mobius with a Professor Walnut, self-proclaimed expert on... (squints at the teleprompter) I can't read that, it's in Japanese. (The camera pans over to an anime character wearing a lab coat and seated in a chair opposite Jerome's. Thousands of dollars in special effects, gone right down the tube.) Walnut: They're called Pokémon. (Several members of the audience scream and pass out.) Jerome: O-kay... let's just pretend that I've been hibernating for the last few years. Please explain to me exactly what these things are good for. Walnut: *chuckles* Surely you've heard of Pokémon racing. Audience Bob: POKEMON racing!!?? (Screams are heard again. Several more members of the audience pass out.) Walnut: That's right. I hear that there's going to be a pretty huge race tonight, in fact. Huge cash prizes. (Sally and Sir Charles briefly exchange triumphant glances.) Jerome: So... uh... (looks at the teleprompter again) Who's expected to win? Walnut: Oh, they're all pretty good teams. But Team Rocket always wins. Especially when compared with Team Bicycle and Team Waterski. Jerome: (still reading the teleprompter) Speaking of which, I'd like to introduce our other guests from Team Rocket. (A couple of extras walk on-stage, accompanied by...) Jerome: Is that an actual Pokémon? Extra: No, it's a special effect. Extra #2: *elbows the other extra* Please don't ask us any questions, we aren't supposed to have speaking parts. Voice from off-stage: Well, it's too late for that now, isn't it!? Jerome: *groans* So, um... (to the Pokémon) What's your name? Pokémon: (takes a deep breath) SEBULBASAUR!!! (All pause after what may well be the corniest gag in the whole skit.) Jerome: I don't suppose you can say anything else...? Pokémon: *ahem* Se. Bul. Ba. Saur. Jerome: *rolls eyes* It figures. (Back in the gas station...) Sir Charles: This is great! Now we just need a Pokémon! R2-D2: (mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: Actually, I've been checking their website, and Mobians are elgible to participate too. Sir Charles: *sarcastically* Oh, sure. And just where are we going to find a world-class athlete out here in the middle of nowhere? (Sonic grins madly, and then does a few laps around the aisles in less time than it took you to read this sentence.) Sir Charles: *long, astonished pause* Sonic: *smiles triumphantly* Sir Charles: ...perfect! Watto: Yeah? Well, you'll never beat Sebulbasaur. He always wins! Sonic: Hey! I can do mach one, easy! R2-D2: (mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: Sebulbasaur uses a rocket engine. He's been clocked at 1220 mph. Sir Charles: We have a rocket engine, too! Sally: But we don't have any fuel. Sir Charles: (to Watto) Okay, I'll make you a deal. You give us enough fuel for him to race (indicates Sonic), and if he wins we get another full tank. Watto: And... what's in it for me? Sir Charles: If we lose, you can have the astromech droid. R2-D2: (/loud/ mechanical beeping noises) Subtitle: HEY! Watto: Deal! (They shake hands. Sir Charles wipes his glove off on the counter immediately afterwards. Ick.) Sir Charles: Okay, everyone... let's get back to the hang glider and get everything set up. (to Watto) And you need to meet us at the Pokémon race track tomorrow, with the fuel. Sally: *ahem* Aren't you forgetting something? Sir Charles: What? Jar Jar: (still tied up) Mmmph! Sir Charles: Okay, I'll untie him already! (muttering to self) Boy, I hope the pilot can get that rocket engine to fit that kid. (Later, back at the hang glider...) Pilot: Are you CRAZY!!?? There's no possible way to do that! Sally: If we don't win, you lose Artoo. Pilot: Where's my tool kit? (Meanwhile, off to the side, Sir Charles pokes Sonic with a needle.) Sonic: Hey! What'd you do that for? Sir Charles: I want to do a blood test so I can find out how you run so fast. Sonic: Oh, okay. Just as long as you weren't giving me a shot or anything. (Sir Charles gets out the cellphone and dials Jerome's pager. Another plot hole opens, and he peeks out.) Jerome: I was just about to beat my old high score. What's wrong? Sir Charles: *yet another incredulous look* What are you talking about?? Jerome: Oh, this place is great! I've got a wide-screen TV with surround-sound speakers, and a multimedia PC, and- Sir Charles: Wait a minute... I thought Space-Time Six was a completely nonphysical dimension. Audience Bob: PLOT HOLE!! Jerome: Exactly! Sir Charles: *groans* Well, if you've got all that other equipment in there would you mind whipping up a scanner for Sonic's blood sample? Jerome: *thinking* This is a G-rated fic. Are you sure you're allowed to mention blood? Sir Charles: Just do it, already!! (hands him the sample) Jerome: Oh, alright... (He goes back into the plot hole and emerges a comically short time later.) Jerome: Wow! The meta-chlorine readings are off the scale! Sir Charles: *scratches head* What's that supposed to mean? Jerome: Well, meta-chlorine is lighter than tennis shoes. So, having a lot of it in his bloodstream means that he can jump higher and run faster than the average Mobian. Sir Charles: (long pause... stares at Jerome) You have GOT to hire some better science consultants. Jerome: Need I remind you, again, of our low budget? (Several hours pass. The pilot actually gets a working prototype finished; it looks like a crossbar with an engine on either side. Sonic grabs hold of it and prepares to test the device.) Sonic: Juice time! Jar Jar: Ooh, mesa taste! (And before you can say "ouch" the neurotic Gungan gets his tongue quite thoroughly caught in the machine.) Jar Jar: *gags* Everybody else: AARGH!! (Another trip to the city and several sticks of butter later-) Jar Jar: Mmm! (-the Gungan's tongue is finally pried from the engine. Everyone sets up camp near the hang glider; except for Sonic, who lives in a cardboard box behind the local supermarket.) Sonic: I can't afford an apartment 'cause I spend all my money on Pokémon cards. Audience: *groan* (The next morning they meet at the track, their rocket engine fueled by the local Toydarian. The place looks a lot like the podrace arena from Star Wars, except that the sportscasters are very different. One is an orangish fox, the other is an arctic fox, and they both have two tails. Each.) Tails: Good MORNING, racing fans, and welcome to the 214th weekly Pokémon race!! Flurry [Warning: Shameless plug for yet another one of the author's stories]: Sponsored by our glorious host and tyrannical overlord, Jabba the Slug! (A huge, faceless slug squirms out onto a platform.) Audience Bob: Eww. Tails: The racers are getting ready to rock! Look, there's Team Bicycle. (A bunch of Mewtwos on racing bikes pedal out onto the track.) Flurry: And Team Balloon! (A dozen Jiggilypuffs get ready to cut the cords on their hot air balloons.) Jiggilypuff: (singing into a microphone) Jigg-i-ly-puff... All the other Jiggilypuffs: Zzzzz... Tails: And let's not forget Team Snowboard. (A bunch of Pikachus board in on the sand, and proceed to provide their unique insight on the race.) Pikachu: Pika! Pika-pi! Chu! The Audience (in the movie): YAY! The Audience (in the theater): NOOOOO!! Flurry: Uh oh, it looks like Team Snowboard's sno-cone machine has iced up the track! Tails: Fortunately, our maintenance crew is now taking care of the problem. (A Chansey (aren't they so cute? :-) and a couple dozen pit droids start sprinkling salt on the ice.) Chansey: Chansey! Audience Bob: *rolls eyes* As if we couldn't tell. Flurry: And, now, it's the reigning champion AND sole member of Team Rocket, Sebulbasaur! Sebulbasaur: SEBULBASAUR!! The Audience (in the movie): *wild applause* The Audience (in the theater): *uncontrollable regurgitation* (Finally, Sonic shows up, carrying his weird rocket contraption.) Tails: Oh, look! It's the little Mobian boy, Sonic Hedgehog! Flurry: Let's just hope he can finish the race. *smiles* The Audience (in the movie): *laughter* Tails: And now, the glorious Jabba the Slug will give the signal to start the race... Jabba: (Nothing. Slugs can't talk.) Tails: Oh, forget it. *grabs a microphone and yells into it* GO, GO, GO!! The Racers: *start racing* Jiggilypuff: *looks around* Jiggily? The other Jiggilypuffs: Zzzzz... (As the racers speed over the small patch of ice caused by Team Snowboard's sno-cone maker, the salt is thrown everywhere. Naturally, most of it ends up on Jabba the Slug.) Jabba: *shrivels* The Audience (in the theater): EWWW!! The Audience (in the movie): *starts singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead"* (Meanwhile, in the stands...) Sir Charles: *watching the race on Jerome's Palm Pilot* Will you look at that, Sonic's already ahead! (Meanwhile, on the track...) Sonic: *holding onto the engine for dear life* AAAAHHH!!! Tails: (still in the sportscasters' box, in case you can't tell :-) I don't believe it! The Mobian's in front! Flurry: But Sebulbasaur's gradually pulling ahead. Another extra: (in Team Rocket's booth) Sebulbasaur! Flame attack! (And with that, the Pokémon pulls over and whips out a cellphone with an integrated web browser.) Tails: What IS he doing? Flurry: Feel the suspense! The extra: That REALLY isn't what I meant by flaming... (Back in the stands...) Palm Pilot: You got mail! Sir Charles: *reads the mail* This is ridiculous. He can't spell for anything! Sally: *reading over his shoulder* And that even when he just repeats his name over and over again. (Back in the sportscasters' box...) Tails: Sebulbasaur is back in the race and slowly gaining on the Mobian as they complete the first of two laps. Sonic: *still screaming* Flurry: But what's this? The Mobian's rockets just cut out near the stands! Sonic: *lets go and tumbles around on the dirt until he finally stops* The Audience (in the movie): BOOOO!!! Sebulbasaur: *sticks his tongue out as he rockets by* Sir Charles: Darn it, I should have known Watto would try to trick us... Sally: *gets an idea* Sonic! Catch! (She throws a ring-shaped object in Sonic's direction.) Sonic: *catches and examines it* All riiight! Sir Charles: Was that a power ring? Sally: Even better. Tails: (staring out of the sportscasters' box, using binoculars) I don't believe it, somebody just tossed the Mobian a GLAZED DONUT! Sonic: *eats it and gets back in the race* Flurry: Simple carbohydrates versus rocket fuel! What a contest! Tails: Not really. (The newly sugar-high hedgehog easily passes right by Sebulbasaur and takes first place in only two seconds.) Leonard Nimoy: Two-point-four-one-seven, to be precise. Both audiences: YAAAY!! Sonic: *bows* Jiggilypuffs: Zzzzz... -- Act Three (After their Pokemon racing experience, the pilot is finishing up the glider's refueling outside the city.) Pilot: Okay, we're all set now. Sir Charles: Great, now we can proceed to Mobotropolis! Sonic: Suit yourselves. I'm staying here. (Just then, an ominous black cloud becomes visible on the sand around the far-off city. And it's getting larger.) Sonic: What in the world is that? Sir Charles: Let me find out. (whips out his high-tech collapsable Jedi electrobinoculars and takes a look) Sally: *tapping her foot impatiently* Well? Sir Charles: *gasps* Sonic: What? Sir Charles: See for yourself. (He hands Sonic the binoculars, and the younger hedgehog quickly avails himself of the opportunity to peer at the black cloud.) Sally: What a long sentence. (He sees that it is primarily composed of five-to-ten year old children.) Sonic: So? (They look mad.) Sonic: So? (They're waving Pokeballs in the air and chanting "He beat Sebulbasaur! He beat Sebulbasaur!") Sonic: *gulps* On second thought, I think I'll come with you guys. Sir Charles: No kidding. Everyone except Jar Jar: *grabs onto the hang glider* Sally: Floor it! (The pilot hits the little red button again and they are quickly catapulted into the sky, Jar Jar following and yelling "wait for meee..." A Mobian falcon lands just in time to see them depart.) Tachyon: Wonderful. I just missed 'em. Voice from off-stage: *coughs* Tachyon: Oh, right... (clamps one hand over his beak) Tachyon . o O (My wings are about ready to fall off. From now on I'm taking the bus instead.) (Just then, he notices the ominous black cloud.) One Thousand Angry Pokemon Fans: *chanting* KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! Tachyon: *screams and frantically takes off again* (Several hours of hang gliding are skipped in a single, convenient scene change. Cut to Mobotropolis... or what's left of it. The glider has landed, and everyone is looking around at the ruins.) Sir Charles: What happened here? Sally: Looks like a disaster area. Everyone: *glares at Jar Jar* Jar Jar: (in a voice that sounds like someone is pinching his nose) Did I do thaaat? Shadow: *conveniently stepping out from behind a backdrop* No, you didn't. Sally: Senator Shadow! Now we can finally get to the bottom of things. Sir Charles: Hey, wait a minute... in Sonic the Hedgehog: Episode One, wasn't he- Shadow: *clamps one hand over Sir Charles' mouth* Better not spoil it for her. I don't think she's read it yet. *knowing grin* Sir Charles: *after Shadow uncovers his mouth* Uh... right. Shadow: *to Sally* Anyway, it's not the inept Gungan's fault. Actually, the one to thank is our director. Sally: Godzilla... is our director?? Shadow: No! Silly. I'm talking about that Stevenson fellow. Sir Charles: Jerome... is Godzilla?? Shadow: *rolls eyes* No. But he wrote an article that explained how NOT to write a Sonic fanfic, and the scriptwriters actually took it seriously. Now they're trying to demonstrate their Talent and Insight by writing a really depressing ending where everyone dies. (Antoine spontaneously drops dead.) Sir Charles: Well, at least they started with him. Shadow: *patiently* You do not understand. This is a BAD thing. What we need to do is throw Jerome out and pick a director who's strong enough to stand up to the scriptwriters. And, since Sally here is a princess, I do believe she may have enough influence to have him kicked out... *coughs conspicuously* Sally. *sticks her nose in the air* Never. You peasants do not concern me. (Nicole spontaneously blows up.) Sally: *blinks* They... killed... my... computer!! *raises her arm in the air and starts yelling* That's it! I call for a vote of no confidence in Director Stevenson! Audience Bob: Hey! You can't do that! Shadow's obviously trying to- Shadow: (to Bob) I find your lack of faith disturbing. *another evil grin* Audience Bob: I'll just be quiet now, thank you... (A few minutes later, the votes have been counted, and...) Shadow: What do you know? Thanks to my copious bribes, *ahem* I mean, good luck, I actually got elected as our new director. Al Gore: I demand a recount! The United States of America: *exiles him to Neptune* The Audience: *applauds wildly* Sonic: O-kay... Shadow: Anyway. My friends and I *flexes his claws nonchalantly* have already had a word with the scriptwriters, and this place should be rebuilt as soon as we get the special-effects money. Sir Charles: That is to say, never. Shadow: Well, we did get enough money to finish the set for our next scene... Sir Charles: What next scene? (Just then, a Muppet (tm) wanders on stage.) Grover: (in a cross between his and Yoda's accents) A hedgehog there is, who has much meta-chlorine, is there not. Mm-hm. Test him we must, yesss. Sir Charles: Oh... right. (Cut to the Jedi Council chamber. Present are Sonic, Grover, and Samuel L. Jackson in a reprisal of his role as Mace Windu. The latter is holding a Palm Pilot up, with the screen facing away from Sonic.) Mace: Okay, Sonic... *stares into the screen* What am I looking at? Sonic: A Palm Pilot. Mace: (to Grover) Ooh, he's a smart one. Grover: *nods* (to Sonic) And now, for my test it is time, yesss. Sonic: Would that be the test of withstanding horrible accents? Do your worst. I've already dealt with a Gungan who thinks he's Jamaican and a fox who thinks he's French. Mace: *glares at Sonic* Grover: *shakes head* Sonic: Okay, whatever... Grover: *stands up and stares into Sonic's eyes* Can you find your belly button? Sonic: *starts pacing* Wow. That's a toughie. Mace: Tsk, tsk. Sonic: Do I HAVE a belly button? Audience Bob: *rolls eyes* Sonic: Slasher doesn't, 'cause she hatched from an egg... Mace: I think we're about finished here, thank you for stopping by. Sonic: Don't echidnas lay eggs? So Knux must not have one either... Mace: *picks Sonic up and throws him out* Announcer: This session of the Jedi Council was brought to you by the letter C and the number three! Sponsored in part by the National Foundation for Juvenile Brainwashing, and by Viewers like You. (Back out in the hallway...) Sir Charles: What happened? Sonic: They kicked me out! Sally: Picked him up and threw him out, actually. Sir Charles: Let me go in and have a word with 'em... (Back in the council chamber...) Announcer: In today's episode of Sesame Street, Elmo visits the dentist's office and screams in agony for a full half-hour! Audience Bob: Sesame Street, uncensored. Sir Charles: *looking around* What on Mobius is going on here?? *points at Grover* And what's HE doing here? Voice from off-stage: We need extra money, so we're letting PBS film on our sets. And the scriptwriters killed our Yoda prop, so Grover's substituting. Just play along. Grover: For hundreds of years Jedi have I trained, yesss... Sir Charles: *sputtering* That's... that's ridiculous! Surely you aren't letting a Sesame Street Muppet (tm) play- (A disco ball comes down from the ceiling, accompanied by really huge, Back to the Future-scale speakers.) The Village People: *singing* Y**O**D**A!! Sir Charles: But... that's ridiculous! You're telling me this Sesame Street Muppet (tm) is supposed to be- The Village People: Y**O**D**A!! Grover: Have my own theme song, I do. Indescribably cool I am, yesss. Lead Singer: YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down, I said... Sir Charles: *shouting over the speakers* Nothing from Sesame Street is cool, indescribably or otherwise! Lead Singer: YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown, I said... Grover: *shouting as well* Judge me by my show, do you? And well you should not! Lead Singer: YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, cause I... The Village People: MEAN**YOU**NO**HARM**I**SAY Sir Charles: *shouting at the top of his puny Mobian lungs and still barely audible* Well, I do anyway! Yoda's a great warrior, not a preschooler!! The Village People: WARS**DO**NOT**MAKE**ONE**GREAT Sir Charles: *yalling at the singers* Whose side are you on, anyway!? The Village People: Y**O**D**A!! Sir Charles: *groans* Shoulda seen that coming a mile away... Lead Singer: *still singing* He's nine hundred years old! He's so strong in the Force! Take your Jedi di-plo-ma course! Grover: Git down, yesss. *tries to breakdance* Lead Singer: *still singing* I know you're here to see... Sir Charles: AARGH!! (Sir Charles finally snaps. He draws his lightsaber, makes short work of the disco ball and speakers, and chases the Village People offstage.) The Village People: (faintly, while running away) Y... o... d... a! Grover: *stops breakdancing; sounds annoyed* What are you wanting, hmm? Spoil my favorite song you already have, yesss. Sir Charles: (exasperated) You threw Sonic out because he couldn't find his belly button?? Grover: Mm-hm. Sir Charles: Well... uh... he tried as hard as he could! Grover: *shakes head* Do, or do not. There is no try. Removed from the movie he must be. Sir Charles: What!? Why's that? Grover's puppeteer: *peeks out from behind a curtain* Because he's too darned STUPID! Sir Charles: (wide-eyed stare) Grover's puppeteer: *chuckles and ducks back behind the curtain* Sir Charles: Well... uh... isn't there some way he can stay on? This movie's named after him, for crying out loud! Besides, he seems kind of familiar... Grover: Take him on as your Padawan learner, you must. Teach him the ways of the Matrix *ahem*, the Force, you must, yesss. Sir Charles: I'm supposed to teach him about rivers in North America? Audience Bob: *closes eyes and smacks his own forehead in exasperation* Grover: No! Fancy way of saying "apprentice", it is. Sir Charles: But Jerome's already my apprentice, and Jedi are only supposed to have one at a time. Grover: *shakes head* An extra he is. Only playing your apprentice he is, yesss. Back home with a cold the real actor is. Apprentice-less you are. Audience Bob: *scratching head* Wasn't Jerome supposed to be the director, too? The Rest of the Audience: PLOT HOLE! Jerome: *peeking out of another anomaly* Exactly! (Shadow then walks on-stage, carrying a clipboard. As anyone who's read enough Dilbert knows, if you carry a clipboard and look impatient you can go anywhere. Of course, it also helps that...) Shadow: *looking very self-important* Actually, I'm the director now. So get back in there! *shoves Jerome into the plot hole* Jerome: Hey! (Jerome disappears into the plot hole, and it closes behind him.) Shadow: *consulting his clipboard* We're behind schedule! You... *points at Sir Charles* Get over to soundstage five, on the double! They're going to start filming Sesame Street here any second- Cameraman: *frantically points at a sign marked "On the air"* Sir Charles: *runs for cover* Shadow: *looking very awkward* Uhh... hi! I'm, ah, here with my good friend Grover, who was just about to explain quantum nuclear thermodynamics in ten easy steps! *looks for an escape route* So, bye bye! *Shadow quickly runs off and disappears into the other shadows - something which he has a lot of experience with.* --End of Act Three-- Intermission (Everyone from the audience is out in the lobby right now, and so they miss some very... strange... footage. It looks like it was recorded on a black-and-white camcorder, in a darkened room. Tachyon is peering into the lens.) Tachyon: *whispering furtively* I've got to get out of here. Shadow's become the director, and... he's gone crazy! (He looks around fearfully.) Tachyon: *still whispering* He's trying to have all the bluescreens replaced with blackscreens. He refuses to sell anything but black licorice in the snack bar. And he claims to be even more Talented and Insightful than our neurotic scriptwriters! (There's some sort of noise off in the distance. He looks up for a moment, and then continues.) Tachyon: I'm so scared... I'm so scared!! (The room lights up, and Tachyon squints.) Shadow: Tachyon? Why do you have the lights off in here? Tachyon: Oh no, it's you! AAHHHHH!!! *passes out* Shadow: *groans* Of all the assistants I could have hired... *turns the light back off and leaves* (The audience begins to file back in, but before they arrive we hear a couple of disembodied voices from that strange, far-off land called "Reality"...) First Voice: Okay, Mister-Murr-Quan-Lord-Number-Two, here's the situation. You're on a cross-country move from the American midwest to the near vicinity of the east coast. The moving van's trailer broke down or something, and you and several other members of your family are stranded at a rest stop in Missouri while your Dad tries to get it back online. It's probably about eighty degrees fahrenheit outside, and you prefer sixty degrees with an overcast sky. You're sitting in a packed van, side door open, with a black-and-white, monochrome, 486 laptop plugged into the van's DC outlet. What are you going to do now? Second Voice: I'm going to go to Disneyland! First Voice: Try again. Second Voice: Antarctica? First Voice: Keep dreaming. Second Voice: Okay, I'll just keep writing this Sonic fanfic then. First Voice: Darn straight. Act Four (Video footage of a pristine, forested landscape, viewed from high above the ground. The infamous chrome hang glider flies past, and we hear a voice-over...) Sally: Shadow has been no help at all. Ever since he became our new director, all he's wanted to do is appear on talk shows and promote his movie. Therefore, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. (The hang glider's altitude decreases as it approaches a clearing.) Sally: I'm going to try to form an alliance with the Gungans to drive Robotnik's forces out of Knothole- (The glider smacks into a tree.) Sally: ...just as soon as my bones knit. (Fortunately, they are all instantly healed thanks to the miracles of special effects. Jerome has been conveniently summoned out of Space-Time Six, and everyone is around Nicole's holoprojector, planning.) Audience Bob: Didn't Nicole blow up? Jerome: I just got her out of another plot hole. Sally: *waving in Jerome's direction to shush him* Quit interrupting! Sonic: When do I get to be Sir Charles' Padawan river, I mean learner? Sally: Later! Now be quiet! Grover didn't say when Sir Charles had to teach you, now did he? Sonic: *incoherent and inaudible grumbling* (The princess returns her attention to the hologram - a map of the vicinity of Knothole - and starts pointing at various places on it.) Sally: Okay, now. The quarterback runs off to the left side of the field; Sir Charles will take the ball and pass it to him while Sonic runs distraction and Jar Jar runs away. Any questions? Sonic: *raises hand* I have a question. Sally: Yes? Sonic: What in the WORLD did that have to do with anything!? Sally: Oops, wrong file. *presses a couple of buttons* Alright, here it is. First, we all try to contact the Gungans. Then, the Gungan army will provide a distraction while the rest of us sneak into Knothole, take it back over, and fry the Egg Carrier in time for dinner. Sonic: *raises hand* I have another question. Sally: Yes? Sonic: How do you expect us to do all that? Sally: *waves her hand in the air dismissively* One thing at a time! Let's contact the Gungans. Sir Charles: How do you expect us to do THAT? Their city's underwater. Sally: Oh, don't worry. I'm sure that if we just sit here next to Jerome's plot holes for long enough, they'll inevitably find us. (On cue, a bunch of Gungans pop out of nowhere, led by their really fat leader, Boss Nass. Did you know that Nass means "wet" in German? I'm not quite sure if it's pronounced the same, but-) Sally: Hi! Can you guys beat up the SWATbots for us? (You interrupted!) Sally: Well, ex-cuse me! *ahem* (to the Gungans) Pleeease? Boss Nass: NO! (Everyone is quite taken aback by this. The two hedgehogs' spines are blown farther back than before. Jerome drops the stylus to his Palm Pilot, and starts crawling around on the grass to look for it.) Sally: Erm... why not? Boss Nass: Yousa gotta Jah Jah wif you. Hesa terrrible creeminal. Maken everyting goin' boom. Sir Charles: *aside, to Jerome* Wonderful, another lousy accent. Jerome: Who cares? Start helping me look. *continues searching for the Palm's stylus* Sally: (to Boss Nass) Huh? Boss Nass: Everyting he gettin' near goin' boom. Hesa gonna be... pooneeshed. Sally: What? Boss Nass: Hhmph! Yousa outlanders, tinkin' yousa better den us... but wesa better. Wesa gotta grand vocabularie. Sally: Whatever. I'm just going to deny your request out of hand, because I have absolutely no idea what you're saying. Boss Nass: DIE!! Sally: That, I understood. *to the human and Mobians* Run for it!!! (They do so, and are able to make it out into a clearing a mile or two away - the Gungans are forced to go more slowly, since it takes half their army just to carry Boss Nass around. A very complicated procedure.) Sally: Okay, here's the new plan. Sonic, Sir Charles, Artoo, Jerome, and the pilot will come with me to retake Knothole. Rotor will stay behind with the guardsmen to distract the Gungans and keep them from mowing us down. Audience Bob: Rotor? He hasn't been in the movie since that scene back in your hut! Sally: Yes, he has. He's just been remarkably quiet. Now let's get moving! Rotor: Um... how am I supposed to hold the entire Gungan army off with a handful of royal guardsmen? Sally: Just build a new machine or something. Rotor: Where am I going to get the parts or tools? Sally: Drag 'em out of a plot hole. Jerome: *checking his Palm Pilot* Oh no! Plot holes have been used as actual plot devices in this fic way too frequently! Our entire universe is destabilizing! Audience: *screams* Sir Charles: Well, what do we do about it? (The universe merges with a parallel dimension in a self-guided attempt to restore continuity.) All: *sigh in relief* (The actors run off to implement Sally's plans, and a couple of Mobians from the new, parallel dimension run into the theater and quickly shut and lock the door behind themselves...) Alternate Universe Knuckles: *sighs in relief* That was close. Alternate Universe Tails: *gasping for breath* You shouldn't (pant) have done that. AU Knuckles: Well, what was I supposed to do? It was either him or us! AU Tails: Yeah, but locking Sonic in there with those salesmen? AND Amy? If he survives, he'll be traumatized for life. AU Knuckles: *looks around* Uh... Tails? AU Tails: Yes? AU Knuckles: I don't think we're in geosynchronous orbit above Kansas, anymore. AU Tails: What makes you say that? AU Knuckles: *points at the audience* AU Tails: Hey! What are THEY doing on the Satellite of Sega? The Audience: *shushes them loudly* Audience Bob: We're watching a Sonic fanfic. Now keep it down! (Tails and Knuckles exchange horrified looks, and then start banging on the door.) Tails and Knuckles: LET US OUT! PLEASE! (The usher makes them sit down - poor guys. Meanwhile, Sally and company sneak into Knothole, under a rapidly darkening, late evening sky. Half of the crew is behind one hut, half is behind another, and a half-dozen SWATbots are guarding their objective: the transporter platorm that leads up to the Egg Carrier.) Sally: *uses a flashlight to signal people behind a hut opposite the one she's hiding behind* Sally: *waits... taps her foot...* Sally: *whispering to the people behind her* Okay, I gave 'em the signal. Why aren't they responding? (Unfortunately, it seems that Jerome was among those that were being signaled.) Jerome: *shines the flashlight in their direction* Sally: The coast is clear, then. Let's go! (And so, Sonic, Sally, Artoo and the Pilot run out and are immediately shot at by the SWATbots.) Sonic: Hey! You said the coast was clear! Sally: Yes, I thought- (She stops, and notices that not only is Jerome's flashlight still on, but he's using it to make shadow puppets on the wall of a nearby hut.) Jerome: *whispering to Sir Charles* See, this one's a bunny, and... Sir Charles: JEROME! Turn that stupid thing off and let's get going! (The SWATbots all turn to look in their direction.) Sir Charles: Oh, wonderful. (They run off, and the SWATbots leave the transporter completely unguarded, thereby violating one of the primary rules of the Evil Overlord list - which Robotnik never read.) Sally: Cool! Let's go. (They run onto the teleporter, while Sir Charles is seen performing lightsaber choreography in the background. Cut to-) AU Knuckles: The chase! AU Tails: The beach! Audience Bob: The planet Coruscant! (I see you two are back to your usual antics.) AU Knuckles: *nodding proudly* AU Tails: And we're teaching Bob, too. Audience Bob: Always two there are, a master... and an apprentice. AU Knuckles: So what does that make me? AU Tails: I always thought you were Guardian of the Floating Island. AU Knuckles: Oh, okay. (As I was trying to say. We now cut back to the huge, open field near Knothole.) AU Tails: I thought Knothole was in the Great Forest! (It is. This is a clearing, okay? Anyway. Up on a hill, we have Rotor, Antoine, and a few assorted-) AU Knuckles: Baloney sandwiches! (-royal guardsmen, and assembling in the field below are- Audience Bob: A horde of marching elephants! AU Tails: A flock of rabid pretzels! AU Knuckles: *gives Tails a very strange look* AU Tails: You gotta eat 'em quick, before they turn dangerous. AU Knuckles: I don't think that's what they mean by the expiration date. (-the Gungans, who are busily setting up those huge shield-generator dinosaur thingies of theirs.) Audience Bob: How eloquent. Antoine: Oh non! We are to being attack-ed by a beeg, giganteek army of special effects! Rotor: Don't worry. I've already come up with something to beat down on them with. A Random Guardsman: Really? What? Voice from off-stage: Hey! He's not supposed to have a speaking part! Rotor: *ignores the voice* My newest creation! *points at a figure with a tarp draped over it* AU Tails: Oh, how convenient. And where did this all come from? AU Knuckles: Plot hole! Audience Bob: Exactly! AU Knuckles: (to Bob) You're weird, you know that? Audience Bob: No, I'm just getting used to this crazy fic. AU Tails: Clear evidence of insanity if ever I saw it. Rotor: *staring at Tails and Knuckles* Ahem? AU Tails: *whispering to Bob* You didn't tell me this was a live performance. Audience Bob: Who cares? Certainly hasn't stopped me. The Rest of the Audience: WE KNOW!! Rotor: Anyway. Behold my newest creation... (He pulls off the tarp, to reveal-) AU Knuckles: A giant, man-eating jellyfish... AU Tails: ...plastered on dry land like a blob of discolored tapioca pudding! Audience Bob: Eww. Rotor: Dragon-Bob Z! Tails, Knuckles, and Bob: WHAT?? Audience Bob: How dare they name an anime character after me! AU Tails: Yeah! Anime's disgusting! And it's unrealistic, too. Nobody really looks like that! AU Knuckles: *gives Tails another very strange look* (Sure enough, it's a stereotypical anime character, wearing a karate-type costume, a stern facial expression and an extremely flammable hairdo.) AU Knuckles: The kind that you can batter down doors with. AU Tails: What's a down door? Audience Bob: I'm not impressed. *starts shouting at the screen* Hey! Get off-stage, you stupid- Dragon-Bob Z: SCREAMING FRENZY BEATDOWN ATTACK!!!! (This part hardly needs to be described. Anyone who's watched anime knows exactly what the next half-minute of footage is like. In stereo, theater sound, no less. Speaking of which, it looks like most of the rows in the theater have been tipped over or wrenched from their places altogether.) Tails, Knuckles, and Bob: *start waving little white flags from behind the last row of seats* The Same Random Guardsman: Wow. This is gonna rock. The Gungans are so dead! Rotor: *nods proudly* Guardsman: Wait a minute... where'd Dragon-Bob Z go? Voice from off-stage: We don't have the money to keep playing that special effect. Sorry, you're just going to have to do without. Captain Tarpals (a Gungan): Charge! Rotor: Run! (Cut to the Egg Carrier. Sir Charles and Jerome have finally made it on board, and everyone's in its huge, main room... you know, the one with the monorail, viewscreen, and all the little cleaning robots?) Sally: *checking Nicole's holoprojector* Okay... I think we need to go through this door. *points at a nearby door* (Then, the door opens, to reveal none other than Tachyon. Wearing a hood, and looking as menacing as he possibly can.) Tachyon: Grr. Soundtrack: Duel of the Fates (The music they play when Darth Maul shows up? With all the choir "ahh"s in the background?) Sally: Uhh... we'll just take the scenic route, thank you. Sonic: No way. Lemme at him! I never got to beat him up in the last book! Sally: *drags Sonic with her* Sonic: Hey! (They leave.) Tachyon: *throws off his hood and gives Jerome and Sir Charles a stare that could pierce tank armor* Jerome: *doesn't notice 'cause he's playing Asteroids again* Sir Charles: *stares right back and activates his lightsaber* Tachyon: *widens eyes* Wait a minute... nobody told me we were supposed to use lightsabers! Sir Charles: Tough. Tachyon: But I don't know how to use a lightsaber! Jerome: Same here. *raises hand* Tachyon: I'm sorry, I just can't deal with this. (to off-stage) Stunt double! Sir Charles: (to Jerome) This ought to be good. *snicker* (A couple of seconds later, the Cocytan gene trader from Alien Crossfire marches on stage. For those of you who have never read it, he looks a lot like an alien griffin with feathery, brownish fur, reverse-jointed legs and three sets of tiny wings. And he's nine feet tall.) Tachyon: *runs off-stage to watch* Sir Charles: *staring at the Cocytan* Oh, darn it. Cocytan: *yawns* Sir Charles: (to off-stage) Hey! *points at the Cocytan* He can't be Tachyon's stunt double, he doesn't look anything like him! Voice from off-stage: Have you EVER seen anyone who looks anything like Tachyon? Sir Charles: Good point. Cocytan: *powers up a double-bladed lightsaber... in each hand* Sir Charles: *stares* (Sir Charles raises his lightsaber and assumes a fighting stance, while the Cocytan swings his four lightsaber blades around for a second or two before swinging at Sir Charles. He blocks, but is _still_ knocked into the far wall.) Jerome: YEAH!! Rock on! Cocytan: *turns to stare at Jerome* (It seems that the human is playing Asteroids, and is so completely engrossed in his game that he is oblivious to his surroundings.) Cocytan . o O (This oughta wake him up.) (He twirls his lightsabers around for another second or two, and then slams one of their blades right through Jerome's Palm Pilot.) Jerome: *stares, dumbfounded, at the crumbling pieces of plastic and electronics in his hands* Cocytan . o O (Heh heh heh.) Jerome: You... killed... my... Palm Pilot! Cocytan: *nods amusedly* Jerome: That's it! *raises his hands in the air* I summon the amazing powers of self-insert-ness! (Lightning strikes the Cocytan and knocks him into the path of the monorail, which promptly runs him over.) Cocytan: Ow. *falls unconscious* Jerome: Cool. (Jerome then goes over to the fallen form of Sir Charles, kneels, and takes the hedgehog's head in his arms.) Jerome: Nooooo! *sniffle* He was too young to die! Well, not really, but... Sir Charles: Hey! I'm not dead yet! Jerome: Be quiet! *bangs Sir Charles' head against the floor* Sir Charles: Ow. *falls unconscious* Tachyon: *watching from a safe distance and clapping sarcastically* Jerome: And just what do you have to say for yourself? Tachyon: Uh... at last we shall have our revenge? *smiles sheepishly* Jerome: *rolls eyes* Tachyon: This whole movie is absolutely sick, you know that? Who's writing it, anyway!? I bet you've given the author a heart attack by now, Jerome, you and your stupid plot holes. Jerome: *stands up and faces Tachyon* No, I did not kill the author... Tachyon, I am your author!! Tachyon: NOOOOOO!! It's not possible!! Jerome: Join me, and we can rule Mobius as author and bird! Tachyon: *blinks* Huh? Jerome: Never mind. I think I'm supposed to chop one of your wings off now. Tachyon: *runs away frantically* --- End of Act Four --- Act Five (Everyone is standing on the bridge of the Egg Carrier. Except Robotnik, who's sitting down.) Robotnik: *looking around at the heroes* Where'd you people come from?? Sir Charles: We took a left at soundstage seven. *draws his lightsaber* Now surrender, or else! Robotnik: Or else what? Huh? Sir Charles: Um... good point. Jerome, am I allowed to kill someone with a lightsaber in a G-rated story? Jerome: Well, I just got another Palm Pilot out of a plot hole, lemme check. *starts playing Asteroids instead* (Jar Jar tries to lean over Jerome's shoulder to watch, but TRIPS OVER HIS OWN SHADOW and lands on the control panel, toggling a thousand buttons and switches - not the least of which is the one marked "ejection seat".) Robotnik: *flies out of the cockpit at 1,250 mph* Aaaaahhh!! Sir Charles: Well, that's certainly convenient. Sonic: Hey! I'm supposed to beat him down! Sally: Well, forget it. *walks over to the controls* Computer? Set a course... (The camera zooms in to her eyes, which gleam with the reflection of the pristine view outside the window. And the cameraman, who waves cheerfully.) William Shatner (special guest star!): ...out there. Sally: Hey! I was supposed to say that! Jerome: Mm-hm. *nods absently whilst playing Asteroids* (And so, the Egg Carrier flies off into the sunset. Everybody is happy, except for the remaining denizens of Knothole and Mobotropolis, both of which cities were smashed into a thousand pieces.) Sally: Do we care? (Evidently not. Oh, well. This brings us to) THE END [File: Save] [File: Print] Tapping his claws against the floor after a good ten seconds of waiting, Tachyon grabbed the papers out of the laser printer as soon as they were printed. Quickly leafing through the papers to make sure that they were in order, he ran off down the hallway, arriving after another ten seconds at Shadow's office. The door was open, and he walked in without preamble. "Sir? I..." He stopped. The cat was on the phone again. Shadow's voice was as cheerful as always. "Okay, then... yes, we should have filming done by the middle of the month. Better start up the merchandising this next Wednesday." There was a pause, and he nodded absently to whomever was on the other end of the connection. "Yes. Oh, and can we get a novelization done too? Really? Great! Try to get me a spot on Good Morning, Mobius to promote it. Oh, and don't forget book-signing appearances. Yup. Thanks! Bye." He swiveled his black leather chair around to face his aide. "Looks like you have some more writing to do, Tachyon!" He smiled. "Um... yes." Tachyon set the small stack of paper on Shadow's desk. "Here's the last act, just like you wanted." The scriptwriters had gotten on the cat's nerves several days ago, and so Jerome and Tachyon had taken over for them. Shadow rifled through the pages for a moment or two, and frowned. "This is absolutely sick. Just look at this mess!" Several consonants spilled out of a large plot hole. "Sorry, sir. Jerome made me put those in." "Well, you shouldn't listen to him. Jerome's just your co-writer. I'm the director. Remember? And what's this? You wrote a happy ending! Tsk, tsk." Crystalline claws shredded the papers in a comically short length of time. "You're just going to have to re-write." Tachyon swallowed his pride. It didn't taste very good. "Okay... do you have any specific suggestions?" Shadow noticed that the author hadn't said anything about his hanging up the phone, and remedied the situation before speaking. "Kill everyone off. Except me, of course." He grinned evilly, because he'd used up all of his pleasant grins. He continued speaking, dramatically gesturing around the room as producers are wont to do when describing something dramatic. "I want tragedy! I want sorrow! I want..." "Talent and Insight?" "Exactly!" "Okay..." Tachyon rolled his eyes at Shadow while the cat's back was turned. "Now get to work, already!" And so, the falcon picked his eyes back up and walked out. Act Five (Okay, everyone, there are going to be a few changes.) Jerome: Mm-hm. *nods absently while still playing Asteroids* Sir Charles: Changes? Like what? (Well, first off, I'm turning the Egg Carrier into a boat. And it's on the water instead of over the Great Forest.) Jerome: That's nice. Sally: Whatever. Just let me say my lines, okay? *ahem* Computer? Set a course... oh, I don't care, just take us somewhere else. (The camera zooms in on the computer, which looks remarkably like...) HAL 9000: I'm sorry, Sally. I can't do that. Sally: WHAT?? HAL 9000: I cannot compromise the success of the merchandising. Jar Jar: *sticks his - very long - tongue out at the computer* HAL 9000: Jar Jar, your lack of co-operation distresses me. Could you please take a flying leap over the railing so that we can discuss this further? Jar Jar: Okie dae! (The Gungan actually does so, and promptly drowns in the frigid water.) The Audience: *applauds wildly* AU Tails: Wow! AU Knuckles: What a beautiful story... *sniffles; wipes a tear away* Audience Bob: Hey... why'd they turn the Egg Carrier into a boat? Sonic: *leaning over the railing* Maybe it has something to do with that. (He points at an immense iceberg in front of them. The camera does a quick pan of the iceberg, showing roughly a million penguins playing in the snow on top of it. One of them is playing with a ship's steering wheel, which is embedded in the ice for no readily apparent reason.) Penguins: (avian noises) Subtitle: Hard to port! Hard to starboard! Hard to port! Hard to starboard! The Penguin who's playing with the steering wheel: (avian noises) Subtitle: Make up your minds, already! (She spins the wheel wildly, and all the other Penguins pivot their heads around and around while watching it.) Several Penguins: *pass out from dizziness* (And, oddly enough, the iceberg is now headed for the Egg Carrier with surprising rapidity.) Sally: Uh-oh. Sir Charles: I think I know what this just turned into a spoof of. Jerome: (standing at the very front of the Egg Carrier) I'm the king of the world!! (The iceberg grates against the boat, and the turbulence causes Jerome to drop his new Palm Pilot.) Jerome: *looking over the side of the ship* Darn it! AU Tails: *giggling wildly* Oh, this is gonna be good. AU Knuckles: *nods* Pass me the pretzels, will you, Bob? Audience Bob: Uh... *looks inside a bag of pretzels* Are they supposed to be staring back? AU Knuckles: Here, let me see. (He sticks his face in the bag - like a complete idiot - and promptly recoils with a dozen rabid pretzels attached to his face.) Rabid Pretzels: *snarl* *bite* *snarl* AU Knuckles: *running around and batting at the air* Aaaahhh! Get 'em off of me! (The Egg Carrier starts to tip, its stern sinking into the water, even though it got hit in the front.) Sally: Somebody do something! HAL 9000: Doctor Chandra taught me to sing a song. Would you like to hear it? Everyone: NO! HAL 9000: *singing* Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do... Sir Charles: Quick! Someone look up the Titanic in the encyclopedia! We've got to figure out what to do! Sonic: *browsing through one of Robotnik's encyclopedias; selects a passage at random* The band continued to play on the Titanic, right up until the very end... oops, I just gave the author an idea, didn't I? (Back-to-the-Future-esque speakers come out of the walls on both sides of the bridge.) Rotor: *grabs a microphone* Welcome to the Battle of the Bands! In one corner... Celine Dion! And in the other... the Village People! The Imaginary Crowd: *wild applause* HAL 9000: *still singing* I'm half-crazy, over the love of you... Sir Charles: Only half? (Meanwhile, back in the theater...) AU Knuckles: AAAAHHHHH!!! I'm being attacked by Rabid Pretzels! AU Tails: Don't worry, I've got a flame thrower! *torches Knuckles* AU Knuckles: AAAAHHHHH!!! I'm on fire! Audience Bob: Don't worry, there's a fire extinguisher in this little box on the wall! (He breaks the glass over the fire extinguisher, grabs it, and douses Knuckles quite thoroughly with CO2 foam. Simultaneously, the sprinklers and fire alarm both come on.) Fire Alarm: *really loud wailing noise* The Audience: *covers their ears and gets really wet* AU Tails: How do we turn those things off? (They are turned off by someone in the projection booth...) Audience Bob: Great! (...who just happens to be the evil General Sodium, a pretzel who is the supreme dictator of the Pretzel's Democratic Socialist Republik, and seems to have been dyed using camouflage food coloring.) General Sodium: *weird squeaky noises* Subtitle: Chaaarge! (A hundred thousand Pretzel Stormtroopers... well... storm the theatre.) AU Knuckles: *holding a flame thrower* Hold the line! Nothing gets through! Audience Bob: Where are you guys getting these flame throwers? AU Tails: Plot hole! AU Knuckles: Exactly! *tosses Bob a flame thrower* (Meanwhile, back on the Egg Carrier, the floor of which is tilted at a thirty-degree angle again...) Celine Dion: *singing* Neeeeear... faaaar... where-ever you are- The Village People's Lead Singer: *singing* -I saw your ship come down, I said... Grover: *breakdances* Sally: I have a bad feeling about this. Sir Charles: It's called nausea. Sally: No kidding... *runs outside with her hands over her mouth* Celine Dion: I belieeeeve, that- Lead Singer: -It's all muddy and brown, I said... Sonic: *runs by, screaming* The Sky Deck is falling! The Sky Deck is falling! Antoine: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! Sir Charles: And you're going FIRST! *pushes him over the railing* HAL 9000: It won't be a stylish marriage... (Back in the theatre, the air is thick with smoke and the smell of roasted pretzels. Tails and Knuckles are trying to fend off the rabid wheat products, while Bob watches the movie.) Audience Bob: *watches Sir Charles push Antoine off and applauds wildly* AU Knuckles: Bob! Grab a flamethrower and help us! Audience Bob: Aww, come on! You just missed a really good part! Rabid Pretzels: *shrivel and make noises like dying aliens* AU Tails: There's too many of 'em! AU Knuckles: Stay on target... (Back on the Egg Carrier, which is tilted at a forty-degree angle...) Leonard Nimoy: Forty-two point five-nine-seven degrees, to be precise. Lead Singer: Put your weapon away, 'cause I- Celine Dion: -belieeeeeve, that the heart will, go- Sonic: *looking over the railing* -overboard! Man overboard! Sir Charles: Don't you mean "Mobian overboard"? Sonic: No! Jerome just jumped over the side! Sir Charles: I knew he'd go off the deep end someday. Sonic: *rolls eyes* (They both look over the side, to see Jerome in a rubber raft shared by a dozen Penguins.) Sir Charles: So? (And one Palm Pilot.) Sir Charles: Ah... Jerome: Gimme back my Palm Pilot! Penguins: (avian noise that sounds like "Hee hee hee!") Subtitle: Hee hee hee! HAL 9000: *still singing* I can't afford a carriage... (In the theatre...) AU Tails: I can't shake 'em! AU Knuckles: *more insistent* Stay on target... Audience Bob: *grabs a pretzel and eats it absently while watching the movie* Pretzel: *scream* (On the Egg Carrier...) Sally: *looking out at the iceberg* What ARE those Penguins doing? Jerome: *shouting up at the people on the boat* I've seen this skit before! They're using their morphers! Sally: What!? Announcer: GO! GO! PENGUIN RANGERS! (In the theatre...) Half of the Audience: *wild applause* AU Tails: Hey! Why are they cheering for the Penguins when they didn't clap for my scene? (He then notices that at least half of the audience is composed of Penguins.) AU Tails: Ah... *continues wielding his flame thrower* Audience Bob: *in his best Darth Vader voice* I sense... a Penguin... (On the Egg Carrier, which is now tilted at a sixty-degree angle, and is beginning to spin around because somebody let the water out of the huge bathtub that this is all being filmed in...) Celine Dion: Weeee'll staaaay, for-eeeeever this way... Sir Charles: Not me! (In a slow-motion scene, he leaps off of the Titanic- I mean, the Egg Carrier, right as it sinks and explodes all at the same time.) Sir Charles: *lands in the Penguin life raft which, miraculously enough, is not pulled down with the Egg Carrier* Penguin: *waves and makes an avian noise that sounds like "Hello!"* Subtitle: Hello! Another Penguin: Ork ork ork ork ork? *holds out a can of tuna* Subtitle: Would you like some fish? The Penguin Rangers: (high-pitched avian noises that sound vaguely like "Hii-ya!") (Everyone in the theater pauses for a moment.) AU Tails: To remember those who went down with the Titanic? AU Knuckles: No, because we just realized how incredibly STUPID we were to watch this movie. Penguin: *nods vigorously* (They then get back to roasting pretzels.) THE END Someone in the Audience: YAAAAAY!!! thay died! what a grat fic!! Sir Charles: Hey! I'm not dead yet! Jerome: Be quiet! *bangs Sir Charles' head against an oar* Sir Charles: Ow. *falls unconscious* [File: Save] [File: Print] *** Shadow reclined comfortably in the plush easy chair, though he had to avert his eyes from the bright stage lights. Several feet away, some Overlander media personality - he couldn't remember her name - was interviewing him about the movie. "So... can you describe the premise for us, in a nutshell?" Shadow put a hand to his chin, as if going deep in thought. In reality, the whole thing had been scripted well in advance. He smiled brilliantly, that same smile that never failed to win people over. At least, when he wasn't gutting them at the time. That sort of thing tended to dampen their spirits a little. "Well, y'know that movie... can't remember the name... it came out a couple years back? Something about a bizarre alternate universe, where this guy took over Mobotropolis and was turning everyone into robots." He chuckled at the concept before continuing. "Anyway. What we've done is gone back to the past of this story, trying to see what the characters were like before the movie. What they were doing. That sort of thing. And we've added a whole bunch of new plot holes- I mean, elements." "And this time, you didn't have an actor run wild and try to kill everyone, right?" She smiled, and he and the audience laughed. "Of course not! We had to hire an all-new cast, anyway." "Such as?" "Well, I acted in it. Obviously, my scenes were the best." The audience laughed at this as well; he couldn't imagine why. The discussion continued for a few minutes more, and then he went backstage for the commercial break. A beaver approached him, carrying an envelope and wearing a postman's hat, because he absolutely refused to wear the rest of the costume. "Mister..." He checked the address. "Shadow?" The cat nodded. After working on The Menacing Phantom, it did not occur to him to question why someone was delivering a letter to him when he was not at his house. "Here you go." He handed him the letter, and then departed. Shadow read the message out loud, just in case the audience was there to hear him: "Dear Shadow, and I use the word 'dear' very loosely, Just heard about your little project. Also heard that it's based on my movie. Very distressed by the whole matter, seeing as how no one consulted me about it first. Let me make this simple for you; half of the receipts had better be sent my way, or we'll be discussing your copyright violation in court (or worse). Sincerely, Slasher." Shadow blinked. "Oh, dear." TO BE CONTINUED (pray that it isn't)

The Evil Overlord Conference (archived)

The Evil Overlord Conference _________________________________________ by NetRaptor, Shax, Joe, Katana, Isla, MadFalcon, Darth Bowser, Pip the Bat, ChaosJedi, Lady Morgon, and Vector. _________________________________________ This round-robin is based on the Evil Overlord list (http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html) . All the villains from our fanfics, in addition to every other villain we could think of, are copyrighted by their respective authors and companies. _________________________________________ Another dimension. It doesn't look like another dimension. It looks like a room with a long table in the middle, and chairs surrounding it. The lights are bright, the room empty. But not for long. This is the scene of the annual Evil Overlord conference. Suddenly the lights dimmed, and the doors burst open. In walked a spiky lizard-looking dude with a shell and long fangs. He walked with a swagger, and looked around the room before seating himself at the table. He set a sheet of paper on the table and began to read it intently. The lights brightened. Suddenly the lights dimmed again, and the doors burst open. Bowser looked up to see a robot velociraptor stalk in, red eyes glowing. He, too, carried a sheet of paper in one claw. He looked around. "We're early. Is Robotnik here yet?" "No," Bowser replied. "It says here that he's in danger of losing his EO license." "He is," hissed Mecha bot 5. "He has broken nearly all the rules. Number two, for instance." "Everybody knows about his air ducts," said Bowser. "Well," said Mecha bot 5, taking his seat, "we will confront him about it. But the other delegates must arrive first." NetRaptor The room darkened even more as Chaos8 entered the room. His black armor plating drank in light as he walked to his place at the table. The others eyed him suspiciously as he sat near the end of the table. 8 was just a kid in all practicality; why was he invited to the conference? Beneath his helmet 8 smirked. He knew that his ability to survive the Interweb with no memory loss made him a prime candidate for a position on the council... "So, we're here to discuss Robotnik's license, eh? This oughta be fun..." "What do you care? You're just an EO in training." "In training, yes. But one with an interesting ability..." "Yeah? And what would that be?" "None of your business," 8 snarled. They all turned as the doors opened again... CJ A yellow and orange cat/lizard walked silently in to the room, carrying a clipboard. "Greetings." said Nef, taking a seat. She looked around at the others, and noted something down on her clipboard. As an EO in training, it was imperative to observe the behavior of the council. Nef hoped to get her license this year. After all, she'd just disposed of her good twin... Chaos8, Bowser, and Mecha Bot 5 each gave her a suspicious look. Nef gave them a bright and cheery smile in return, intending to strike fear in to their black hearts. Isla A figure appeared in the doorway, as lighting sparked behind him. The silhouette shimmered from a grotesque bird-like shape into something more human. Then, Dhamian strode into the room as if he belonged here. His eyes flared as he saw his rival Bowser. "YOU!" He yelled. The robot velociraptor smiled, and remarked, "This is no time for fights. We must sit down and discuss the matters at hand. Dhamian sat down and calmed down a bit, but his temper rose as Bowser smirked at him. He was about to rise, but three children ran up to him and forced him down into his seat. One was the 5 year old Daniel, the second was the 10 year old Ruth, and the third was the 15 year old Stephen. "No," Daniel said. Dhamian relaxed a bit and remarked, "Did you get the manual yet? Or do you still have that primitive list?" Chaos8 glared at him, and replied, "What manual?" Dhamian smiled deprecatingly, and said, "Oh, this new one that came out. Instead of the two hundred or so rules, it has a thousand of them. I stole it from... oh, what was his name... Draknai. The idiot. He had the manual, but he didn't even follow a single rule. I mean, we were able to get in by hiding in a haystack, crawling through ventilation ducts, and he even left his superweapon unguarded. Apparently, an oracle had told him that no hero would defeat him. Ha! As if I was a hero!" Nef grinned at that remark, and Dhamian unconsciously shrank away from the wall. Works every time, she thought. Dhamian continued, "Well, I can order copies of this book for you. But at a price of course. How much would you be willing to pay?" Nef thought for a moment, and then asked, "Well, give us a sample first." Dhamian thought for a moment, then replied, "Rule # 350 - I shall have two fortresses. One will appear run down and abandoned on the outside, but is actually well made on the inside. The other fortress is an enormous trap intended to capture any foolish heroes trying to conquer it." Bowser laughed. "That manual? I got it a hundred years ago. It was old then, it's practically obsolete now. I gave it to one of my underlings." Dhamian glared at him. "It's not obsolete. See? It's marked... Year 3638. It's 3640 right now." Chaos8 grinned. "Maybe for you..." MF The door once again bursts open and two silhouettes enter, one large and black with a large cape, the other in a hooded cloak. "We finally get to meet with other evil ones such as us." The metallic voice with familiar breathing noise said low and cold. "Yes Lord Vader, let us find a seat." Said an old, yet still evil and dark voice. MDB A blue-green gecko, with a permanent sour look and a sword burst into the room. His outfit was like Echo the Gecko's, only darker. He snarled, and sat down. "He doesn't look like an evil overlord to me..." Bowser said lowly to Mechabot 5. MB8 sniggered, roboticly, of course. In one bound, the blue-green gecko has his sword to Bowser's neck. "I am not an evil overlord, correct, but I am a sidekick to one of the worst EO's ever. I am Sikello Denap, evil brother of Echo, to clear the confusion." He re-sheathed his sword, and another EO came into the room. A golden echidna walks into the room. She cheerfully said, "Hi! Is this the romantic sap conference?" They all glared at her... "Sorry, wrong room..." She walked out, and a dark-red female echidna with orange tips to her incredibly long dreadlocks, entered. Her halter-top and B.S.ish mini skirt got the attention of every male in the room. "Greetings, I am Evil Overlord and Villaness Saurina Isagol" All of the other Evil Overlords broke into laughter. "You? You're a pathetic one, you're in a COMEDY!" Darth Vader was the next to speak, "Perhaps she can prove herself..." Joe The door (which has been made to withstand any amount of blasting open) blasts open again... The Overlords looked up as three figures stepped into the dim light. Two were massively built, carrying heavy weapons, and the third, walking boldly in the lead, was small in comparison.. scrawny.. unclothed.. blue.. "DESTROY HIM!!!!" the robot velociraptor screamed at the top of his lungs in unbelievable fury. "IT'S HIM!! DESTROY HIM!! IT'S SONIC!!" The Overlords jumped to their feet, unsheathing any weapons they might have brought with them.. knives, guns, claws, all aiming defensively at the newcomer. In response, the massive bodyguards pulled their own weapons out and aimed right back. The Sonic figure himself pulled out a small pistol, but had retreated to a little behind the guards. "STOP!! STOP!!" Bowser screamed above the commotion. "STOP YOU FOOLS!! ALL OF YOU!!" The Overlords fell silent, but none dropped their weapons. "He is an invited guest." Bowser explained. "You must be mad!" Somebody screamed. "It's him!!" Somebody else. "Not who you think." Bowser replied. "Drop your weapons. All of you." "Hospitable." the Sonic figure rasped. He turned his head and motioned for the two guards to wait outside. They strafed backward until they were out of sight, and the figure closed the door. "Cinos." he said. "Cinos the Hedgehog. Sorry I'm late, I just flew in from the Anti-verse and boy are my arms tired." He smirked at his own joke. The Overlords had let their weapons fall, but were still on the defensive. "I don't trust blue hedgehogs." the robotic raptor announced. "Not at all." Cinos jumped onto the table in front of the raptor, knocking over an empty wine glass. It hit the floor and cracked. "WELL I'M A LONG WAY FROM TRUSTING MECHANICAL DINOSAURS!!" he yelled in reply. "But it looks like we're STUCK with each other.. for now." He stepped down, and pulled himself a seat. "I derobotized the whole of the Anti-verse, and now I rule it all with an iron fist. Couldn't have done it without the List, though. Why, if I followed that List any closer I would have WRITTEN it." He grinned proudly and leaned back, crossing his legs on the table. Once everybody had taken a seat again, only Vader remained standing. "We must be careful." he said. Breath. "Some of us have the most sophisticated weapons in the universe." Breath. "If one shot had gone off during that incident.." Breath. "The chain reaction might have killed us all." "He's right." Bowser announced. "It looks like we might have to put a little more.. trust.. in each other and think about putting all our weapons down in the corner." Everybody stared at him blankly. Some gripped their weapons protectively. "It's for the best." Bowser continued. "Yes... this conference will not continue until it is done." The Overlords began chattering amongst themselves. "Who died and made Nintendo-features over there leader?" Somebody rasped... Shax A bright light suddenly illuminated the room. All the Evil Overlords, who preferred darkness to light, shuddered. "Who is doing this?" Yelled Sikello. Bowser and Chaos8 glanced warily around the room. All wore looks of surprise and distraught. Except for one. DSDhamian narrowed his eyes and glanced at the door in recognition. "Who's in charge of security here!" He shouted at the rest of the overlords. Shocked, the others muttered to each other. Then, the Raptor spoke. "Ummm... I think Bill Gates was supposed to take care of that." Dhamian gaped, then slapped his forehead. "Are you running on windows? ARE YOU RUNNING ON WINDOWS?" Saurina shrank, then whispered, "I... saw... dead... computers..." Dhamian yelled, "YOU IDIOTS! THAT WINDOWS PROGRAM CRASHED ALL THE SECURITY COMPUTERS!" A mothership appeared in the air, 200 km above the fortress... Bill Gates grinned. "Works every time. Crashed 20 computers. That's another dollar for us. Hmmm... what do we have here? Ooh, watch closely. This'll be fun..." Chaos8 paused, then said, "So this "good" light is caused by the crashing of the computers? Dhamian banged his forehead on the desk. "No! It's my brother, AI Dhamian! He's the only one that has this ability!" The Mechabot asked, "To crash computers?" Dhamian glared at him. "No, to cause this light. And he is getting nearer. I can feel him......." The door flew open, and a digital image entered. It emanated bright light, whitening the whole room. Sikello rushed forward and sliced the image. But there was no effect. AI smiled warmly, and remarked, "I am a holographic image. You cannot hurt me. But I can hurt you." The light intensified, almost blinding the overlords, then dimmed. Nef grinned broadly at AI, who smiled back. "So, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" Nef's grin broadened, but did not say a word. Suddenly, a hum filled the castle. AI didn't notice. "So, Dark Side Dhamian, it seems that this will be our destined fight." Nef smiled, and said, "Not yet. Bye bye!" The hum intensified, and AI began to flicker. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT MAGNETS! YOU.... YOU.... CHEATER!!!! YOU CAn't do this to meeeeeeeeeeeee....." The image sparked out of existence, and the room was suddenly plunged into darkness. The overlords wandered around for a minute, trying to find their bearings. But eventually their pupils adjusted to the light, and they sat down to rest. Chaos8 grinned evilly at Nef. "You are GOOD!" Nef grinned back warmly, and he shrank away. "Of course I am. What did you expect?" MF Seconds later, the door opened yet again. Unlike the room's current occupants, there was very little to distinguish the newcomer from any other pesky human, but his dark sunglasses and diabolic goatee left little doubt that he was evil. The only question was... "Who's THIS?" Chaos8 asked nobody in particular. When no answer from the others was forthcoming, the man spoke. "My name is not beink important. All you are needink to know is that I have fixed your computer problem." "So fast?" wondered the raptor. "It was not beink very difficult. I reformatted your drives and installed Linux," explained the man. "You should be havink no more problems." Mecha bot 5 broke his silence. "What about Bill Gates? That traitor could even make ME crash." "Ah, but he is also runnink Windows. His ship is beink particularly susceptible to a few nasty viruses, da?" The emperor cackled. "Impressive," intoned Darth Vader. breath "You would make a powerful ally..." breath The man shook his head. "Am havink higher ambitions, I am afraid. Root, god, what is difference?" He then turned and walked from the room. Jason M A darkness enters the room, and everyone is struck with fear, except for Saurina. A black figure enters, and it sucks almost all of the light out of the room. "DADDY!" Saurina cried out loud, and she ran to give a hug to that dark figure. "Yes daughter... but remember what I told you about tempting mortal good guys with your clothing?" Sauron said... Saurina bowed her head, and said the following like she had heard it a billion times, "If it succeeds, me being half-maia, the children will be good and quarter-maia, and therefore be able to defeat me because they have my powers and are good." "Yes, and go put on some better clothes, I have some excellent dreary robes for you." The echidna stomped out of the room, and came back in wearing the robes. Sauron sat down, and pulled out a bunch of papers. "These are good, all the rules on being a good evil overlord in one file." Saurina started to sketch something, she walked over to the overhead, and put it on. "This is the PERFECT evil fortress, the air ducts are too small to go through, there's no self-destruct buttons that can be accidentally activated. There's no alcoves. All power systems are redundant, as well as all vital systems. Control panels are redundant, and security is as tight as a drum." "Then what about that small inaccessible spot that could be used to go straight to your redundant superweapons?", the emperor said, "That defeated me once..." "that is a trick, it really is a trap for any good guys, they walk in and...BANG! FWOOSH! They're dead!" Sauron laughed "that's my girl!" Joe A tall human woman in a violet toga wrapped around her, with long black curls touching the floor....her midnight blue eyes burn like stars, and her skin as white as moonlight.... " 'Tis me the first conference I have been to, yea....but 'tis not a sin banqueting with one's own..." *gracefully takes her seat* Katana Once again the doors are opened, and in comes ... "Hiya everyone!" said the robot bat, cheerfully. "Howja all doing?" "What's SHE doing here?" muttered Bowser, his eyes narrowing to slits. "Apart from the fact that she isn't even an evil overlord, she's a complete and utter twit." "Yeah, but I'm the second in command and announcer of one," explained Pip. "So I've got to come otherwise he couldn't be announced." "Not the quiet show-off," muttered Cinos, under his breath, but already the doors were flying off their hinges and a dark figure was silhouetted against the frame. "His High Lord Logicator!" Pip announced. The other evil overlords muttered to each other. They were all contemptuous, [in a not so obvious way, since they didn't want to get on Logicator's bad ... WORSE side.] of Logicator for the fact that instead of a using a five-year-old advisor, he used a ten-year-old one. Still, since he kept avidly to all of the other rules, they let him off that minor slip. "May your Legions of Terror slay in original uniforms, and your unlimited power be no bigger than your head," intoned Logicator, in the standardized greeting for Evil Overlords on formal occasions. The other Overlords noted with satisfaction that Logicator was also dressed in the most brightly colored clothes that you could get to fit a robot dragon, and had changed his normally dull gray color to a neon striped purple and yellow, to add to the effect. He glanced at the nearest chair which moved itself out and sat rather awkwardly in it. Pip yanked a chair out, sat down and looked around at the Overlords, who were still looking rather suspiciously at her. "Any chance of a drink?" she asked, and was immediately facing several [low powered for emergency use] guns. "Are you considering going out of the room and ... LEAVING THE DRINK HERE?" asked Mecha bot 5 in a deadly voice. "Uh, no," said Pip, looking a little worried. "Well, that's *heavy breathing* alright then," said Darth Vader, and the overlords settled back down. Pip Mecha bot 5 stood up and cleared his throat. Nef smiled at him, throwing him a little off. He cleared his throat again and looked around the room. "The reason we are gathered here today," he said as every eye fixed on him, "is to discuss Dr. Ivo Robotnik and his intentionally breaking of the Overlord laws." Murmuring, shifty looks. Cinos raised his hand. Mecha bot 5 nodded, and Cinos said, "If we do that, there will be no weaker kingdom for me to conquer." A snicker rippled around the room. "It is not a matter of conquering," said Logicator softly from his chair. "Robotnik is an Evil Overlord, and by repeatedly breaking the law he is giving the rest of us a bad name." "Yeah," said Bowser. "It'll make our jobs that much harder, because the general public will cease to fear us." "I believe we need to talk to him ourselves," said Mecha bot 5. At that moment the door blasted open, and in walked Dr. Robotnik. The room rumbled with disapproval--he was wearing a movement-hampering cape. "Ah," said Cinos, standing up. "Welcome to the party at last, Doctor." NR may I....see these rules? 'tis hard to persecute when one does not know what for.... Lady Morgon Cinos collapsed from his chair in rough fits of laughter. The overlords stared down at him blankly.. silently.. "Hey fellers! Lady Moron don't know the rules!" Cinos insisted. "Ain't that just the darndest thing, huh? HA HA HAH!" The hedgehog jumped onto the table and waded across to Lady Morgon, knocking various pieces of currently unused cutlery onto the floor. Several times cracking and shattering sounds could be heard. Some of the Overlords grunted in disapproval. Cinos pressed his face almost right up against Morgon's, and she could smell his sour, rotting breath. "Perhaps we should persecute you too, eh hon? Hit you with the book, so to speak.. hit you real hard.." He was grabbed forcibly by the spines on his back. Mecha Bot 5 lifted him like he was nothing, despite his painful squirming, and threw him backwards onto the cold floor. He screamed an expletive. The terrifying robot turned and stared directly at Lady Morgon, red eyes flaring. "We try to be nice to each other here." he droned. "Just for one day. While we sort out business here, then we can backstab each other as much as we like. Anybody don't like that, they can taste my metal. The rules are at http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html. Perhaps you should look them up." The robot turned. Cinos had pulled himself back onto his chair, furious. But he said nothing more. "Now let's get down to business before any more.. unpleasantness.." the robot suggested. Nobody argued. "What's this about?" Robotnik asked, striding across to the long table. He almost tripped on his cape, but composed himself quickly enough, and pulled himself a seat on the very end. "All of my 'advisors' advised me not to come here today.." the doctor continued "But since when have I ever listened to their advice?" There was silence in the room. A lot of eyebrows crept downward. "Am I evil or what?" A cricket chirped. Shax The doors opened once again, and all the heads in the room turned; no one was expecting another Overlord to show up. It wasn't another Overlord. It was ChaosJedi. Ten dozen weapons were suddenly trained on the hero. "What are you doing here?" Chaos8 demanded. "The Heroes' Convention decided that you guys needed a neutral mediator to oversee this meeting." "A mediator?" Mecha bot 5 sneered. "Yeah, a mediator. If you all kill each other, we heroes won't have anyone to fight. All I have to do is break up any fights and lock up all the heavy weaponry." As CJ spoke, the munitions stacked in the corner disappeared and a locked steel door appeared where the weaponry had been. "Now if you folks will excuse me, I'll just head up to the ceiling and stay out of your way. No fights break out, you don't see me until the end of the conference." "And what will you be doing up there?" "Listening to my CD collection, reading a magazine, and keeping an eye on you guys." Silence in reply. "I already know the whole list, if that's what you guys are worried about." "And just how did YOU get a copy of 'the list', hmm?" "None of your business. I'm just happy that most of you folks are getting more intelligent about this. It'll be more of a challenge that way." With that, the teen walked up the wall and settled himself on the ceiling, put on a pair of headphones, and opened a magazine. The Overlords all stared at each other for a good two minutes. "Okay," Cinos ventured, "where were we?" CJ Dhamian glared at CJ, then jumped up and yelled, "You cannot be here! GET OUT!" The others stared at him warily, as if he had gone crazy. CJ kept on listening to his CD player and reading his magazine. Dhamian began to morph, changing into a black shadow. The others eyed it warily. Saurina approached it carefully and tried to touch the ethereal substance. Two glowing red eyes appeared in the dark mist, and she backed off. Then, the cloud solidified into a monstrous black falcon, with metal plates placed here and there. There was a deep red gash on his right wing, revealing bionic implants. The falcon flew into the air, approached the silent hero, and shrieked piercingly into his ear. CJ slowly took off his earphones, and said coolly, "Yes?" Dhamian glared at him and responded, "Rule 351 - Never trust a hero, for he either lies, or will always tell the truth. If he lies, then you cannot trust him. If he tells the truth to you, he will also tell the truth to others, and thus he is a spy and cannot be trusted." CJ thought for a moment and said, "Rule 351? That doesn't exist. Last time I checked, there were only 231 rules or so on the list. You just made that up, didn't you?" Saurina laughed and said, "You only have the list? Then, you probably don't have the manual-" Dhamian suddenly yelled, "Quiet!!! QUIET!!!", cutting her off. But it was too late. "Manual, huh? Well, thanks for telling me. I shall get a copy immediately - after this conference, of course." Dhamian glared at him. "You will leave NOW!" CJ grinned at him, and simply responded, "First of all, you cannot make me. Second of all, I have the council behind me, so if you attack me, your fortress will be destroyed in ten minutes. Third of all..." He looked at the fuming falcon. "Do you really want me to leave?" "OF COURSE! GET OUT!" "If you really want me to. I'm sure AI Dhamian would be a better moderator than I. He'll keep you out of trouble, if nothing else." Dhamian stiffened at this remark, and cooled down a bit. "If a moderator is really necessary, then you are certainly welcome to stay here. But the question I'm asking myself is... Why do we need a moderator to spy on us? I can promise you that we won't get into any fights. At least not ones that will kill one of us." Then, the doors opened, slowly this time. A dark mist filled the room, and in came a tall, dark figure. MF As the mist cleared, all could see the flaming beard and barrel chest of the last delegate to be invited. He wasn't an Overlord in the strictest sense, but he was Evil enough that they overlooked the lack of status. "Ah, LeChuck," the Emperor wheezed, "so glad of you to join us." "I had a bit of trouble gettin' here. Me ship was bein' followed by that Threepwood scum." The ghost pirate looked up and saw ChaosJedi on the ceiling. "ARRGH! What in the name of piracy is HE doin' here?" Chaos8 replied sarcastically, "He's our _Mediator, and we can't do anything about it." CJ looked up (well, it was up for him) and saw the pirate. "Well, nice to see you, LeChuck. Ya know, I'm kinda thirsty for a ROOT BEER right now..." LeChuck took the hint and sat at his place at the table. "So what's on the agenda, mates? CJ The doors opened, and a small creampuffish purple creature with a funky hat and boots hobbled into the room. "Ah, Marx, you have arrived." Saurina said, laughing maniacally. "He doesn't look like much too me.." Sauron said. "Dad... I went to Evil Overlord Academy with this guy! He's the most demented of them all! He majored in metamorphosis. He didn't go on to be an EO, though, he went on to be a endboss in a SNES game, but heck." "Yes," The little purple creampuff said, and in a flash of light he was a giant purple creampuff with wings and vampire's teeth. "See?" Saurina said proudly, "I helped him study for that! I told him all about how you used to shapeshift." Nobody in the room could see Sauron's face, but they could tell he was smiling proudly, "A... ma-- er... thing after my own heart!" "I told him about the time you turned into a snake. 'member, Rule Number 34!" "I was..." Sauron put his fingertips together nervously, "..just a lackey at the time! I was still studying!" "Annnnnd... you hinged too much of your power into the One Ring. Rule #61 could be expanded to fit that... and you should’ve obeyed rule number 49 when you lost it." "Saurina... I don't want you talking about this!" "you should've flooded The Shire with your whole army before Bilbo even THOUGHT about giving the Ring to Frodo..." Sikello grinned, Saurina was better than her dad, but he had to venture a question, "Saurina, but why are you inept in the CCC?" The echidna was now PO'ed, "I have to scrape together some cash so I could actually make a living!" "Oh" "...aaaand, besides, it takes some money to go to the EOA! And perfect shapeshifting." Many gasps filled the room... Saurina Issagol could shapeshift? That was a unpredictable power to use. "And I've been building an evil fortress all this time! MUWHAHAHAHAHA!" Sauron put up his hand, and all the light in the room went out. "Do not indulge in maniacal laughter, it only distracts." Joe --meanwhile, these two are having a conversation-- Lady Morgon frowns slightly in thought at the reading of the rules. "why must there be rules...? any good EO breaks rules....I wonder who wrote these.." she mutters quietly to herself. A mocking voice said : "what happened to the ancient tongue?" Lady Morgon glares beside her and sees a young handsome male echidna wearing some metallic armor. She sniffs, "The author couldn't be bothered. Who are you?" She demands. The youth smirked, "Qetiah, the one and only ruler of the Dark Legion. its only common sense that I should be here." "Ah." Lady Morgon nodded, then added, "I thought Kragok." "My father is dead." Qetiah snorted. Lady Morgon simply mouthed the word 'oh'. Qetiah gave her a glare too, "And who may you be? I've never heard of a 'Lady Morgon'." Lady Morgon smiled graciously, almost vainly, "I am the mobian queen of darkness...." she smirked," a personification and ruler of evil. its good that there are so many evil overlords, the heroes of this world are getting far too high..." Qetiah raised his eyebrow, "Too true. Try re-establishing a base with those mis-guided echidna idiots trying to slay you 'in the name of truth'. pah...hypocrites..." he snorted. Lady Morgon blinked, "I do hope you regard these rules when making your new base..." "Darn right there...and I don't want these guys on my case for my own stupidity." Lady Morgon just nodded. "Speaking of these rules..." Qetiah skimmed through the manual, "these should be the rules of common sense, not just the EO rules...if Robotnik really is this stupid, then I don't know why he stays in business.....guess his opposition must be equally stupid." Lady Morgon smirked, "The Freedom Fighters. Both fools truly." "Gah, them!? The Guardian works with them...I see why Robotnik's still around..." Lady Morgon peered at the rules, "many of this does not apply to me...I have no bases or any real foes as such...." "You probably will." "True..." Qetiah sighed angrily at seeing even MORE EO's walk in, "Geez..." he called aloud, "Hey, how many more are going to come!? Could we get this show on the road!? I'm sure you guys have better things to do, I know I do!" Lady Morgon nodded, "Once again, I agree..." Lady Morgon The new EO took another step and tripped over his metallic pant legs. The other EOs looked disapprovingly and inquiringly at this new person. Finally, Chaos8 spoke. "Who are you?" The figure stood up, and another EO came in. This one was dressed in exactly in the same way as the first. He looked like the first. In reality, he WAS the first one - 1/8th his size. "Come on, Minime! The conference is starting!" Dhamian was still glaring into the eyes of CJ, but when he heard the name 'Minime', he broke off the gaze and descended to greet the new EOs. "Dr. Evil. It is a pleasure to meet you. Would you happen by any chance to have another of your 'Laser's? I would greatly appreciate it if you gave me one." The other EOs murmured. What was Dr. Evil doing here? Sure, he was evil, and an overlord to boot, but he appeared in a comedy! And he broke many of the rules! He wasn't even invited! Dr. Robotnik laughed. "A laser? Is that what you want? I can give you lasers. I've got a ton of them." Dr. Evil looked at the fat eggman, and smiled. "Well, Dhamian, my friend, I don't have any 'lasers' today. Maybe a Death Star would interest you." Darth Vader stood up and activated his lightsaber. "Do you mean... breath to say that... breath you have my Death Star? breath " Dr. Evil looked at Darth Vader and replied, "Wait... The Death Star was a name of my invention. You stole it! You'll be hearing from my lawyers!" Darth Vader backed up at the word lawyers. They were greatly feared, even in his times. Suddenly, a blaring sound was heard. "This is the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." The EOs jumped at this voice, and then laughed, some with tears coming out of their eyes. "The Borg? Hahaha... They're here? Hahahahaha!!!" MF CJ looked up (like I said before, to him down IS up...) and observed the huge crowd that had gathered. Hmmm..., he thought to himself. This crowd's gonna get hungry. I'd better do something about that... "Hey, everybody!" he called down. As one the group went silent and glared up at the ceiling. "Relax, I just want to know what you guys want on your pizza." "Pizza? You must be joking. What makes you think we trust you to order pizza?" "I really doubt Pizza Hut has cyanide on their list of toppings. And besides, good villains are hard to come by. What toppings you guys want? I'm springing for three dozen extra-larges." CJ The villains looked at each other. Pizza. "Some of us do not eat in the usual terms," hissed Mecha bot 5. Darth Vader nodded in agreement, and so did Sauron. "The rest of us do, though," said Bowser. "Extra mushrooms!" "Forget the mushrooms," said Cinos, "let's get some chilidogs in here." The villains shuddered. "How dare you ask for the trademark meal of one of the heroes!" snarled Sauron. Cinos shrugged. "Big deal, so I was hungry. There's nothing in the Rules about what a villain has to eat." Everyone hurriedly paged through their manuals and had to admit that he was right. "Well?" asked CJ from above, a notepad in one hand. "I don't have all night." He was immediately flooded with weird pizza toppings from all sides. "Motor oil." "Anchovies." "Microchips." "Mushrooms." "Moths." "Chicken gizzards." "Premium unleaded fuel." "Sausage." "I draw the line at sausage," said Lady Morgan. "It's too greasy." A frazzled-looking CJ pulled out a cell phone and called Pizza Hut, who happened to have an inter-dimensional delivery service. In a few minutes there came a knock at the door. CJ walked across the ceiling, down the wall and opened the door. The villains bristled. The pizza delivery guy was a hedgehog. Mayhem ensued. Several villains leaped out of their chairs, fingers curled into claws. Still others rolled up sleeves to reveal wrist rockets and pocket lasers they had not relinquished to the Arms Treaty (see rule 27: Villains carry two or more weapons at all times). "Hey! Hey!" yelled CJ, jumping between the villains and the shocked delivery guy. "Cut it out! This isn't anybody you know! He's green!" "I know some green hedgehogs," growled Robotnik. Nevertheless, the villains returned to their seats, looking suspiciously over their shoulders. The delivery guy handed CJ the pizza boxes. "Nutzoid place, man," he said. CJ gave him a large tip, and the delivery guy got out of there. NR Yet another EO comes in... along with Barney, a bunch of Telletubbies, a stereo playing the macarena, etc. Bowser: Who invited you here? Evil Vec: I invited myself, as a true villain would! Despite their annoyance, the EOs couldn't fault this statement. They became even more annoyed when a Borg got too close to the stereo, and all the Borg in the room started dancing the macarena. Actually, all the Borg everywhere were dancing the macarena, becoming far more of a nuisance than in any previous Star Trek episode, but that didn't particularly bother the EOs. Evil Vec: BWAHAHA! I will rule with my various annoying cultural phenomena and rotten taste! Darth Vader: Hey! Evil Vec: I know, I know, it's against the rules, but I like it too much, and I keep alert during my evil laughter. Otherwise, I follow the EO rules amazingly well! In fact, I have arrived to inform you of numerous violations by one of your members, the previous owner of my battle station, the Chicken Egg. Robotnik: *looks behind EVec* That's the Death Egg! Evil Vec: I titled it the Chicken Egg after you sold it for Egg Carrier parts. Robotnik: It has my face on it! Evil Vec: Oh, I fixed that! Robotnik: *looks at the Chicken Egg again* You put wax lips, a fake moustache and goatee, and goofy goggles on my face? How dare you? Evil Vec: I am here to report that this station, before I bought it, was absolutely not up to EO code! The EOs peer at Robotnik. Evil Vec: The air ducts were wide enough to send a football team through, there was one humongous anti-gravity room with doors leading into it for no apparent reason, one big power supply, and an army of humongous mechs with obvious hit spots that noone could possibly hit - unless they were actually trying to! And instead of just building redundant systems and extra power generators, he made a deal with the guardian of a gem located in a hidden palace, then double-crossed him, and the guardian showed Sonic how to get onto the station! Vector The Evil Overlords muttered and gazed darkly at Robotnik. "Ooo, bad move," said Bowser. "Don't you know any better than to double-cross the rivals of heroes?" "Particularly when the double-crossed person has a hot temper and a load of powerful gems to back him up," said the robot raptor, and everyone nodded. Cinos jumped up on the table. "So what are we waiting for? We've seen the evidence! I find Dr. Robotnik GUILTY! GUILTY I SAY!" A well-aimed kick from ChaosJedi on the ceiling sent the blue hedgehog flying back into his seat, but now the other overlords were jumping up and shouting, "Revoke his license! He's made us a laughingstock!" "Not to mention mustaches went out of style twenty years ago," said LeChuck. "Mad scientists are out, demons are in!" Robotnik stood up, sweat running down his face. "Please don't revoke my license," he pled to the crowded room. "I'll clean up my act! I'll hire a five-year old advisor and revamp my air system! I'll put more guards around my superweapon! I'll make my prisons into a sanitary facility! I won't use ..." He choked on the words. "I won't use robots as soldiers." "It's rather too late for that," said Logicator dryly, and Pip the Bat nodded vigorously. The robot dragon snapped his claws, and a roll of paper flew out of Robotnik's pocket and into Logicator's hand. He spread it out on the table, and everyone leaned over to see. It was Robotnik's official EO license. "Stamp, please," said Logicator. Cinos, on the table as usual, walked up and stamped a foot on the paper. "There you go," he said. The mark from his foot spelled, "REVOKED". "You have a 'revoked' sign on the bottom of your shoe?" asked Dhamian. "Revoked is the shoe brand to wear in the Antiverse," said Cinos smugly. "Right up there with Nike." "Now we all ought to sign it," said Chaos8. "I went to law school. I know how these things go." Everyone shrank away from the young man. Not only an EO in training, but a lawyer in training, too! "Anybody got a pen?" Lady Morgan asked. CJ on the ceiling waved a hand without looking up from his magazine. His self-insert-hero powers generated a pen in the hand of everyone in the room, and they lined up to sign the license. Robotnik watched all this with a sullen expression. The signing took longer and longer, as each evil overlord tried to outdo the others with a fancy signature. Some wrote notes in the margins, as if they were signing a yearbook. Pip the Bat got carried away and left her phone number. Cinos wrote the symbols on the Runes of Awakening instead of his name. Mecha-bot 5 took a long time when it came to his turn, and Darth Vader, who was next in line, saw that the raptor had drawn the symbol of the Black Claw. When it came to Sauron, the overlord simply pointed a finger, and a tiny tongue of flame burned the image of the Eye onto the paper. At last it was finished. Logicator handed the license back to Robotnik, who looked at it with trembling hands. Then he threw it down. "No! I refuse to be bound by this stupid license! I was practicing Evil Overlordry long before I got my license, who needs it?" "You mean ... you didn't attend the Evil Overlord Academy?" whispered Metaknight. "No!" snapped Robotnik. "I got my degree from Marginally Evil University." Everyone sucked in their breath in horror. This was far worse than they thought. Mecha-bot 5 stood up, his red eyes glowing fiercely. "In that case," the raptor purred, "you won't be allowed to return to your out-of-date fortress. You will go to EO prison instead." For the last time the battered doors burst open, and in strode two figures. The Overlords drew back at the sight of them, and the same thought occurred to everyone--why had THESE two not been invited? One was a blue robot hedgehog, and the other was a red robot echidna. Between the two of them, they had broken rules and made up new ones--in fact, much of the EO manual had been based on their exploits. Metal Sonic and Robo Knux moved up to stand on either side of Robotnik. Their mechanical eyes glittered in glee. "I've waited so long for this," said Robo Knux. "Cameras, everyone. This is a monumental moment." The red robot snapped handcuffs on Robotnik. "Your prison is secure?" inquired Dhamian. Metal Sonic nodded. "Clean, sanitary, and no way out. Not even for him. Perhaps by the time he gets out, he will have lost enough weight so as not to disgrace us." Everyone nodded. Robotnik's weight had been an Evil Overlord joke for years. Metal Sonic sank his claws into Robotnik's pudgy arm and lifted him from the chair. "Come this way," said the blue robot. "Robo Knux, are you coming?" The red robot was studying the signatures on the revoked license. "Hey Pip!" he said. "Your phone number's on here!" "Oh, yeah," said Pip. "I got carried away, and then I remembered you can't erase pen. Just pretend you can't see it." Robo Knux gave Pip a fond look. "Of course not. Well, I'll be seeing you." He strode after Robotnik and Metal Sonic, carrying the revoked license. "And that's the end of this conference," purred Mecha-bot 5. "Goodbye, everyone. May your superweapons have no weaknesses and your lackeys be loyal to the end." The robot raptor slipped out the door. One by one the villains departed, some pausing to talk by the water cooler, others wresting open the metal locker and retrieving their precious weapons. Cinos's guards returned for him, and he was ushered out in style. Finally the room was empty except for Chaos8 and ChaosJedi. ChaosJedi looked down from his seat on the ceiling. "They're all gone?" "Yes," said Chaos8, "and boy do I have a headache." He blinked his eyes, and ChaosJedi vanished. Chaos8 smiled. His manifestation of the hero had been so real that everyone had been fooled. He opened his manual and noted on the back page, "Rule 1352: If you possess incredible mind powers, make sure nobody knows about them. They will come in handy." The End!